Men and Women: The Naked Truth

Men and women are not born equal, any child could tell you that. However, an opinionated adult would tell you that men and women are indeed born equal, but social conditioning causes them to play different roles and act and react in different manners.

While I do believe that society has long had a part in the forming of gender roles, I am also sure of the fact that there are many inborn behaviors and tendencies that will always be sitting right there in the gap between woman and man. No revisionist study could cause me to chance my mind on this matter. The proof is in the pudding, folks.

(Note to any ardent feminists out there: I apologize for placing the word 'men' before 'women' in the title and opening paragraph. I've been socially conditioned to do so).

Take, for example, attention to detail. Men have been known to have box vision: they see it now, they like it now, they'll get it now. Women, with infinite laser precision, will agonize for hours over the most insignificant of details. I see it now, but should I get it? What if I won't like it tomorrow? What if cousin Jen has already gotten the same thing? Will it spoil? Does it fit it in the budget? Do you want me to get it because you want something from me? Is that what this is about? Why are you looking at me in that way?

Women also think ahead when it comes to major matters such as THE KITCHEN. We know that if we don't wash the dishes immediately after we're done with them, they'll just sit there forever. We know that when you promise to do them after Family Guy, you forget 85% of the time. Nobody likes to wake up to a dirty kitchen, so women sigh in resignation and tackle the sink. We love you, men, but quit pretending you'll do things. Don't you realize that we know?

In THE KITCHEN, it's all about the details. A proper woman would never leave the garbage lid wide open, or open food on the counter- overnight! Pickle jars deplete of pickles would never be allowed to sit in the fridge until the next nuclear explosion. Egg cartons with no eggs have no reason to be taking up space in there. Women think ahead, and buy extra aluminum foil and salt, pasta and tomato sauce, because what if they will end up catching the flu, thus being unable to go shopping…in the grocery store conveniently located right across the street.

Women think ahead, and place a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom BEFORE the old roll is done with. Women have a space calculators and in their heads, and will not let you purchase that armchair until you get rid of those boxes full of junk collectibles retrieved from the trunk of your car after we MADE YOU DO IT on a Sunday afternoon.

What is it with men and collectibles? Some, such as old books and rare stamps, are indeed worthy of their name. Others, like five year old photograph developing solution that leaks all over the place, should be immediately quarantined and trashed. We don't even have a darkroom! We don't have a second bedroom yet! I don't care if the solution was a FREE gift from the Prince of York, we don't need it and I know you won't be using it any time soon.

We love you and need you, dear men, but you sometimes lack the ability to think ahead and see the big picture, so just trust us on these matters. Okay?

It is sinful to throw out food, there are starving children in Africa and many leftovers can be redeemed for later use, but some are just beyond repair or shelf life and should be discarded without a second thought. That is, unless your husband happens to be in THE KITCHEN while you're contemplating the great drop into the garbage bin. That old spoonful of rice? We'll use it for stew. Pickle juice? Good for hangovers. Ancient cheese? Cheese is spoiled and fermented in the first place, you doofus .
We ask them :'But will you eat it?' - Of course, they assure us. Tomorrow. Five weeks later, we tiptoe into the kitchen, grab a plastic bag, open the fridge and pull out mounds of green matter, furtively sending it down the garbage chute.