Mending a Broken Heart

I haven't written in a while, and for that I apologize, but in my defense I've been trying to get over a broken heart. I was in a four year relationship that ended abruptly and badly. It was my first real relationship. He was my first true love and I thought he was the one, the person I would spend the rest of my life with, but it turns out that he was the man that would probably prevent me from entering into another relationship for the rest of my life.

Like every relationship we had our issues, but not in the beginning. In the beginning it was great. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were either always together or always trying to find a way to be together. He was younger then me, the first younger guy I've ever dated, he's also from a different race then me, another first, but none of that mattered. He was my sun and my moon.

We are both creative people. He's a musician, and if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a writer, but that was where our similarities ended, but it didn't matter, we were madly in love.

My family couldn't stand him at first. They thought he was a bum and they've always been a little overprotective, but although my family didn't care for him I stayed with him anyway and I was more then determined to make it work whether they liked him or not.

About a year or more into the relationship we started arguing and then the arguing became more frequent as more time passed, but even with the arguing I always saw us together. Have you ever been with someone that you couldn't picture your future without, well he was that someone to me and now here I sit, 2:33 a.m., trying to picture my future without him.

Over the course of time we hit a few bumps in the road just like any other couple. We started arguing over little things, stupid things and eventually I started tuning him out, not because I didn't love him, but because I was tired of the bickering. The more and more I tuned him out the more and more he would argue. I think he felt as if I was taking him for granted and I guess there is a small hint of truth to that, but I didn't do it on purpose. I had a lot on my plate and I didn't feel that he appreciated all that I did for him and our small family. So, he felt taken for granted and I felt unappreciated but we still loved each other and we we're determined to stick it out. We were determined to find our light at the end of the tunnel, at least I was.

So you're reading this and asking yourself, if we were so determined to stick it out and make it work then what happened? He started a new job, started working around other fellow musicians and he really loved what he did and I was happy for him.

While working there he met someone. She was one of the few women that worked there and he told me that he wasn't attracted to her or any other woman he worked with and I knew he loved me so I was never worried about any other woman, but I should have been because it turned out that he was lying.

About a month ago I found out that he was sleeping with her. When I found out I was crushed and he was upset. When I confronted him about her he lied and said it was only a one time thing. He said he didn't love her, he loved me and that she meant nothing and it turned out that all of that was a lie too. He said that it only happen because he was angry that I had emailed two guys on two different occasions a few months earlier, which was true, but I wasn't cheating on him. It never even crossed my mind, but to his defense, I can see how he would be upset by that, but so upset that months later, after we decide to stay together that you go out and sleep with someone else and lie to me for months?

Over the last few weeks I've wrecked my brain trying to piece together the truth. I've spent all day and night going over everything he's ever said to me, every I love you, anything and everything trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't, but at this point it doesn't really matter because the one thing I know that's true is that after four years of going through hell and back, after four years of loving and planning that in the end he didn't love me enough.

I guess in the end we didn't mean as much to him as we meant to me. So what do I do now? What do I do now that it's over? How do you move on after four years with someone? I honestly don't have a answer to any of those questions and I might not ever have an answer, but what I do know is that for now single is exactly what I want to be because there is no pain on earth like the pain you feel when you find out that the person you thought was your future is now your past.