Menopausal PMS

Nobody talks about it. That's right. Have you ever heard anyone talk about menopausal PMS? No? I didn't think so. You may have heard about the day that the normally quiet Mrs. Jones "just went crazy" and killed Mr. Jones with 1,068 axe blows to the head and upper body, then ran him through a meat grinder, made sausage and sold it at a local church fund raiser, but chances are you have never heard anyone mention menopausal PMS.

Nothing in life will ever prepare you for MPMS. Nope. You don't even realize you have it until you have divorced your husband of twenty-five years, verbally shredded every man on Match.com, invited in a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses and tied them up in your living room and refused to release them until they promised to knock only on the doors of men who have dumped you a minimum of twice a week for the next three years.

Fortunately, the serious MPMS seems to only show up quarterly. After a few years, your kids can even predict MPMS. My last bout was a couple of weeks ago.

Carrie said, "Mom, I think you are hormonal. It must be the quarterly crazy."

"I am not feeling hormonal," I said.

"Well, I think you are," said Carrie.

A day or two later, after I had devoured six brownies and the pain pills they had given me in the emergency room for a little emergency incident I had earlier that morning, I sent my boyfriend four text messages saying that he was neglecting me and that my ex-boyfriend had treated me much better, I still did not get that I was hormonal (and on pain pills). I mean...you never really get it until it is too late. My boyfriend did not respond fast enough so I dumped him...by text message, of course. Then, he responded that I should just go back to the ex-boyfriend because I am mean.

Well...after many bouts of tears, anger, self-pity, blogging, driving Carrie crazy, etc., I realized that I had indeed been menopausal PMS'ing and on pain pills.

...and one more boyfriend bites the dust.

I feel sure this is why men's "heart attack years" coincide with women's menopausal PMS years - hormonal wives are causing their husbands' heart attacks. I am sure this really has to be much more than just coincidence.

Yep...that's my story and I'm stickin' to it...