Menopause Funnies: When You Can't Avoid It, Laugh At It

It is 3:20 in the morning and I am wide awake having one of those wonderful things called hot flashes. Before this wonderful portion of my life called menopause began, my thoughts of being hot in the evening were a little different, and being cool had a whole different meaning, too. But facing menopause has taught me a few things.

Sagging can be prevented. Just keep eating until the wrinkles fill out.

Since I've been getting older, my memory is not as good as it used to be. Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

It's scary when your body starts making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

You know you're getting older when most of the products in your shopping cart contain the words "fast relief."

I'm not having hot flashes. It's just my inner child playing with matches.

I have found the cure for hot flashes. Chocolate! Does it work? I don't know and as long as I have chocolate, I don't care.

The up side to all this is I found out I'm not alone. My friend called me this week and said she doesn't know what is wrong with her but she just feels bad. She said, "I ache all over and I just feel blah. One minute I'm burning up; the next freezing. I can't remember what I was about to say, or what I got up to do. Things on me hurt I didn't know I even had." I said welcome to menopause.

Robin McGraw said she has found the natural cure for menopause. She has a treasure trove of herbal remedies. I think Dr Phil's money would cure many of my problems. At least if I was out shopping, I'd have less time to worry about my face being on fire.

I've decided I can do dieting or menopause but not both. And since I have no choice about the menopause...

This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition; for the same reason, she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat!

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale teenagers were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

And my favorite old age story...True story...about my mom!

My mom and her friends, Mildred and Thelma were out shopping together one day, when Thelma decided to run back into the store for something. Mom and Mildred waited in the car.

Mom, looking up: Mildred! Your headliner in this car is coming down back here.

Mildred: What? Oh my God. It better not be.

Mom: It is! Look at this!

Mildred: Well that beats all. I'm taking this car right back to the dealer. I haven't had this car long. It shouldn't be doing that.

Mom: No, you're right. I'd take it back and give them a piece of my mind.

Mildred: Yeah! I sure will.

A few minutes pass and then....

Mom: Uh, Mildred...I just realized....this is not your car...this is Thelma's car.