Mental Abuse Can Happen to Anyone

Many women from my generation are strong women. Most of those women make it known they would not stand for abuse of any kind from a spouse or partner. But, what if you didn't even realize you were being abused? It can happen to anyone. It happened to me.

I married a man I met the summer after I graduated from high school. We didn't have much in common, but I thought it was a case of opposites attracting. For the first few years, we got along great, I thought. There were times when he didn't like my friends, so I would choose to not be around them anymore. I thought I was just making compromises to strengthen our relationship. He liked to fish, hunt, and ride motorcycles. I liked to read and watch movies. We spent the first 10 years of our marriage doing our own thing. We rarely spent any time together.

Then, I decided I wanted to finish college. I had finished one year right out of high school. But, because he wanted me to, I quit and got a secretarial job. When I started back, the mental abuse began almost immediately. If I didn't come home directly after I got out of class, he was suspicious I had done something I didn't want him to know about. If I had to talk to a fellow student on the telephone, he had to know who it was and why I needed to talk to them.

Then, the final blow fell. I got a computer. The internet opened an entire new world of intellectual and social possibilities. According to my husband, the only thing I could possibly want to do was meet other men on the internet. He would become angry if I even tried to talk about my computer. It didn't matter that I was talking about a new game, it was the enemy.

My life changed drastically after that. He started driving me to and from work. This was to save gas, he told me. He told me I didn't need to have a cell phone. This was to save money, he told me. I was not allowed to use my computer unless he was home. This was to keep me save from the sexual predators, he told me. I believed everything he said.

It took me about a year to realize he was controlling my entire life. It was a form of mental abuse I had not even considered. If he didn't approve of something, it was gone. The only reason I was allowed to keep my computer was so that I could write papers for college. And, as I started realizing how much he was controlling me, I also started to realize that he had been controlling me the entire time. I just didn't realize it.

My friends were the wives or girl friends of his friends. I was allowed to see my family one day a week and only if he went with me. I was allowed to drive on days I had classes after work. And I was to come straight home. He hated my entire family because he felt they looked down on him. He had me convinced that I was a horrible person for even wanting to do anything of which he did not approve.

After over a year of this mental abuse, I finally realized the problem. He had low self-esteem. He thought I would want to leave with anyone who was more educated. He thought I would be looking for someone better. And, to keep this from happening, he tried to control every aspect of my life. And, I just couldn't take the abuse any longer.

For me, the final straw was the day he called my place of employment and threatened to kill me. I was going out with the one girl friend he had not run off. I had met her in a college class and we occasionally did things together. She and I had plans to go out to dinner that Friday night. He called me while I was working and told me if he heard that I even talked to another man, he would kill us both. It didn't matter to him that I might actually have male friends that I would see. He would kill us both, no questions asked. I finally realized that he would not accept me for who I was. He wanted me to be what he thought I should be. And, that person should be totally subservient to him. I could not do that.

I went home, packed a few things and left. I've been back to only to get the rest of my belongings. I have not spoken to him in almost 10 years. And, these have been the best 10 years of my life. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. We have so much in common that from the first day we met, we could finish each other's sentences. And, he loves me for who I am.

Abuse can come in many forms. Luckily, I got out before any physical abuse occurred in my marriage. But, the mental abuse was brutal. For 12 years, my husband had me convinced that he should run my life. And, he also convinced me it was good for me. I consider myself to possess above average intelligence. I'm not a genius, but I'm no dummy, either. And, I let this person steal 12 years of my life. Just because he convinced me he loved me and he knew what was best for me.

This type of abuse can happen to anyone. It creeps up on you. You don't even realize it is happening until it is too late. I was lucky, I managed to get away from the abuse. Many people do not. I'm glad to be living the life I am at this time. It was a difficult decision, but I'm glad I left and began living again.