Mental and Emotional Abuse in Relationships

When I say "abusive relationship", many of us think of battered women covering their bruises with make up and wearing dark sunglasses. However, many of us are in abusive relationships and we may not even realize it. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse alone are enough to leave great scars on anyone, especially if it's from the person who is suppose to love, care and be supportive of you.

I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship for over 4 years and I never realized it. That's because abusers are very manipulative. It may seem stupid to a person who has never been in an abusive relationship, but manipulation is a very powerful form of control. Manipulation and "brainwashing" can make a person believe things that are wrong, are "okay" or vice versa. It can also be very difficult for a potential mental/emotional abuse victim to see the warning signs of the grave situation they're entering. The abuser will often appear to be "the greatest guy (or girl)" in the world, so it can be very confusing when you start to see their "other side".

For the sake of ease in telling this story (the very abridged and edited version) I'll give my abuser the name Loser:

Early on in my relationship with Loser I started to notice a bit of jealousy. He would often get upset if I went to hang out with my friends. We talked about why he got so upset about it, he claimed that my friends were "dangerous" and he "didn't want me to get hurt", he "wanted to protect me". I couldn't really understand what it was about my friends that were so dangerous. They were all pretty normal people who liked to do normal things, socialize, have fun, and be a little wild at times, but certainly nothing illegal.

His jealousy quickly progressed; he would get so mad at me if I even spoke on the phone with my friends or family. He started saying that "they didn't like him and that I was choosing them over him." So, I slowly receded into a very dark place, where Loser was right and I was wrong. My friends were bad and Loser was good. My family was bad and Loser was good. I was brainwashed. There was one incident on a Halloween night, I had dressed up to go to a Halloween party with my friends. We were sitting out on the front porch of my friend's house, hanging out for a while before it was time to go. Loser races by the house in his truck, he's speeding down a 35 speed limit street as fast as he could go, ignoring stop signs. He did doughnuts in the front of my friend's house and finally shot a gun off out of the window of his truck. I should mention that Loser is an alcoholic and he was very drunk that evening. Needless to say Loser got arrested that night, but he didn't stay in jail for long. That seems like some extremely irrational behavior doesn't it? Right now, looking back on it I don't understand how anyone could behave in that manner. Back then however, I had Loser to tell me that it was "my fault" that he did that and if I would just stop putting myself in dangerous situations he wouldn't have to drink or do things like that.

When ever we would talk about the incident after that he would always say "I'd do it again to get you out of that situation" or "I went to jail to protect you". I never thought I was in a dangerous situation, but Loser was so much older than me, and smarter, he must have known something I didn't. Well I was wrong, Loser didn't know jack. Loser just wanted to control me and Loser couldn't do that if I was out with other "free thinking" individuals.

Loser would also tell me that his drinking was merely a reaction to my behavior. So, I changed my behavior. I didn't talk to or see my friends or family, because that upset Loser. I morphed from a happy, outgoing young woman into a weak, scared and depressed child. I would sometimes have secret lunches or diners with my old friends when I knew Loser wouldn't catch me. I remember one of those lunches very vividly, it was when I realized the person I had become, was not the person I wanted to be.

I met up with my friend, we'll call him Winner. Before you start making assumptions, Winner is not an affair I was having, Winner is a wonderful, flamboyant male who had served as my best friend years before Loser ever entered the picture. Winner and I met for diner at an Oliver Garden near our home town. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other (as I was not allowed to speak to him) and he had noticed some pretty drastic changes in me, things that I never noticed myself until Winner pointed them out to me. Winner said "you never look up anymore, you hardly speak to anyone- is that waiter scary? Why are you acting like a scared mouse?"

It was then that I realized that Loser's mental and emotional abuse on me had taken a real toll. Why was I scared to talk to the waiter? Because Loser made me feel like a weak and pathetic person, Loser made me scared of the world. In reality the only person I really needed to be scared of, was Loser himself.

Loser had turned me into exactly what he wanted me to be. I was a very good door mat for him. Although he often spoke to me and of me as "the best thing that had ever happened to him" he would quickly take that away with his spiteful words and actions.

I've told one story of when Loser had blamed me for his actions, but there were many more instances. Loser would cut himself, and I'm not talking about a paper cut either, these were deep open gashes in his arms. Loser would slice his arm open over and over again while I begged him to stop and he would scream "this is what you're doing to me!" That was my punishment for behaving badly. Loser would steal my car, driving drunk and I would have to hunt him down on a wild goose chase. Loser would break my things, yell at me and then make me believe that I deserved it. Loser would not come home all night with no word from him and then call me to pick him up. Loser would threaten to kill himself on a regular basis. I knew I should have called the cops back then, but how could I do that? I was the best thing that had ever happened to Loser, how could I betray him like that? No, Loser was my responsibility and I could help him.

I didn't think of any of those things as abuse back then. After all, Loser had never hurt me physically, he was hurting himself. I was wrong. I was very wrong! The ending details of my relationship with Loser I shall save for another day. If you're in a mentally/emotionally abusive relationship you should know that there is help out there for you. Don't think that just because he hasn't left any marks on your skin he deserves to be with you. Look on the front of your phonebook to find the number for an abuse hotline. Get counseling and get help. There is life after a Loser.