Mental Illness and the Round Room

Everyone has those places that at the moment they are there the air feels charged with a sense of magical wonder. Some places are found high in the mountains others deep in valleys. Some can only be found in our imagination, while others cause our imagination to run wild. Some are places we find through a journey filled with trials and turmoil and that's the kind of place I'm going to write about. It wasn't a majestic castle or awe inspiring scenery. It was a room in a place I found myself a long ways away from home. While I was still in my home state, it was a distant part of the state in a place I never heard of until I arrived there. As a teen, I struggled immensely, I was angry with everyone and everything my emotions were out of control to a degree where I was considered to be unstable suffering from depression and trying to come to terms with the early years of my childhood, but not doing very well. I was admitted to a local psychiatric unit they tried to help me, but I needed more help then they could offer me. Since they couldn't keep me on the unit long, I was transferred to a place that no longer exists. Well most of it is gone in its place is a Walmart and other stores from what I've learned recently. At the time I was sent to the other side of Pennsylvania the place I found myself was called Eastern State School and Hospital, it was a state hospital combined with a school setting for kids under the age of 18. I was admitted and placed on Unit 8 in the main building. What I found was that I was now surrounded by a group of other girls each with their own set of issues many were from Philadelphia and its surrounding area I think I may have been from the furthest away, but I don't know for sure. I was totally out of my element. I went from living in a rural town to being thrown into a setting with mostly inner city kids ... they had street smarts, where I was clueless and knew more about how to tell if it was raining based on what position the leaves on trees were in then I knew about many of the things the other girls on the unit talked about. I was in a lot of fights while I was there, but there was one place within the grounds of this seemingly horrible place that I felt like an equal to the other kids I was able to feel like I knew just as much about something as they did it was a common ground. This place was the recreation building, more specifically an area they called the round room. It was a large spacious room that was circular in shape ... it had a sort of layered look to it. Kind of like if you took a round cake and set a slightly smaller cake on top of it. From the outside it was a brick building and windows could be seen around the upper layer of the building (the smaller "cake" part of the building). The lower part of the building didn't have any windows and had a kind of cold feel to it as I got my first look at the building from the outside it really didn't seem overly exciting. We walked in through glass doors down a short hallway and through another set of doors as I walked through the second set of doors, I was awe struck with what I saw. It isn't that it had anything spectacular like woodwork or anything that really stood out architecturally. It was more the atmosphere of the round room. Just inside the doors I entered through there was an arcade style video game, on the opposite side of the room were alcove type areas each containing a pool table. I think there were three or four of these pool tables in the alcoves. In the middle of the room were 3 or 4 ping pong tables. The floor was some kind of rubberized surface I remember it was black and felt softer then the hallway I had just walked through, but still was a firm surface. I saw kids of all ages in this round room, there were some kids who seemed to endlessly run in circles around the room, while others, mostly older kids hung out around the pool tables. My favorite place was by the video game we would take turns calling winners and even though I wasn't the best at the game, I was gradually improving and getting harder to beat. There were other kids who sat in chairs along the wall others were huddled in small groups through out the room. The walls were mostly white with some blue trim, in the ceiling of the upper "cake" was a giant circle that to me looked like a giant dartboard with a bullseye sort of design in the middle. The air was charged with what to me felt almost magical. I felt safe, and no matter what direction I went, there was someone who would strike up a conversation with me and I really didn't feel like some backwards kid from tree country trying to fit in with city kids. It had a sort of feel like what recess had when I was in elementary school I knew I could do my own thing join in with others if I wanted to but unlike school recess everyone was equal. It was like I found a safe haven from all the fighting that went on back at the unit. Everyone knew that it was a privilege to be able to be there and none of us wanted to mess that up so I think everyone else that was in the round room probably worked as hard to be there as I did. It was the kind of place where my imagination ran wild because of the shape of the building and the giant dart board on the ceiling. I never shared my the ideas my imagination conjured up back then, because they were part of what the round room did for me in terms of creating a safe haven filled with more equality then what was on the unit. Some of the things my imagination conjured around the round room were things like the round room being part of a tower in a fort the windows were gun turrets where soldiers would ward off enemies yet welcome friends from. Other things included castle towers and I was a princess locked within it, being kept safe from the ogres beyond the safe walls of the tower. It was the kind of room where imaginations seemed to run wild ... at least it did for me. I was always sort of saddened when my unit was gathered up and told we had to go, because I knew that I was headed back to a place that was cold heartless and stifled my imagination. My anger and rage overflowed as I was tormented by the other girls on the unit, and the staff seemed in many cases to be cold and heartless. There was one staff member in particular who I hated because every time I asked a question about something she said that I didn't understand she would tell me I knew the answer and that I was wasting her time. I tried not to ask her anything in fact I avoided talking to her unless she initiated the conversation but she always seemed to have it in for me. I was in trouble with her more then with any other staff member. I remember one time she asked me what I thought of something and I responded with "no comment" she threatened to drop me a level if I didn't answer. I told her that I didn't know enough to be able to answer and preferred not to comment. I lost a level. I think the thing I remember most was the day of my discharge, I was going through the paperwork and all the things that had to happen for me to be able to be discharged and one of the staff members told me "I'll be awaiting your return" in response to me saying goodbye. This is a phase that has been in the back of my mind and driven me to do everything I can to not end up someplace like that again.

I'm not writing about this magical round room and the horrible staff I encountered because I want to pay homage to a place now long gone. My intent is something else in nature. You see I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) these days I'm pretty stable, my switching is minimal and generally serves some purpose in day to day life ... it is very controlled in that I don't switch to inappropriate ages at times when an adult is needed and a child would be dangerous to myself and others. The thing is that having DID and me being what is referred to as the core personality, I was basically in hiding for many years and my memories are very fragmented there are things I have heard of through other personalities during times when I've been aware of their thoughts and feeling. Things like the round room were just words to me until one personality in particular integrated with me. For a personality to integrate, healing of past hurts and anguishes have to occur. As each personality heals it is comparable to a glass with ice cubes in it. The ice cubes represent each personality cold and hurting, but as the ice melts it becomes liquid water the healing is much like the melting of the ice cubes in that as the personalities heal, they become less fragmented and their awareness of each other grows and a sort of merging process begins to occur much like the ice turns to water, and you can't tell which part of the water belonged to which cube eventually the personalities merge and become seamless. In my case as personalities integrated or merged with me my past began to come alive On some level it is as though my past went from being a page of text and meaningless words. Once some of the personalities merged or integrated, it was like those words came to life and I developed a connection to them. Some things have been wonderful to discover a newly found connection to while other things I wouldn't wish my worst enemy to have to face. Regardless of the situation, I feel that for me this process of integration is important in order to allow me to be a whole person instead of a sack filled with fragments of meaningless words.

So why did I write about the round room that was for me a safe haven in the midst of a bad situation? It's simple I want others to realize that not only can folks with DID connect to their past, but for anyone who is struggling it is possible to find something in the midst of a bad situation that fills you with awe and wonder. Until about 3 months ago, the round room was just words and I didn't comprehend the reality of what it represented in my life. When one of my personalities integrated with me and I gained full access to their memories and feelings it was then that the words "the round room" began to come to life and I understood why it was something that kept crossing my mind. I understood the feeling of what it was like to walk into that room for the first time and how different the atmosphere was from the unit ... the words were no longer just words, but they were a true memory with a sense of connection and emotions to help me understand a piece of my past that had been a mystery to me.

As I write this, I find myself feeling both awe struck because of the completeness of the memories of the round room, but I'm also humbled knowing that there are many others out there who struggle with DID related issues and that not all of them function as well as I do. There are others who function very well and put me to shame in a sense, but my hope is that those who are struggling just to get through a day and battling the constant switching while trying to gain some sense of a "normal" life There is hope for these folks, and I know I couldn't have done it without my therapist, my family and a handful of close friends. I learned many things that helped with the integration process I still have a ways to go, but I know that there will always be a round room type place that will offer a safe haven for me somewhere around the corner in a place I'm not expecting it to me. It is my hope that others will find their "round room" in the midst of the turmoil and be able to heal from their past and begin to be whole again. It really is possible but takes a lot of hard work and perseverance. Hang in there, the best is yet to come!