Mentally Abusive Relationships: Why Do Women Stay with Bad Men?
You Deserve Better
When I put the magazine aside, I see my friends who are females. I see them, and suddenly feel very, very sad at how incredibly weak they are.
I've had many, many bad experiences with men, but I have never been physically abused. I can tell you at this moment that I have always tried to be a strong woman. True, I have let myself be walked upon, charmed, and lied to. But I promised myself a long time ago that I would never let a man hit me. Never. I also told myself that I would never measure my self worth in accordance to what a man says. But that is something that did happen. It is something that happens to my female friends, to female strangers. It's a very sad epidemic that's taking place...women who are feeling controlled and dominated, physically and mentally, by their male counterparts.
First, I think woman are always ready to forgive men. They are willing to pretend to themselves that they don't care about certain men behavior. I couldn't marry a man that had a pornography collection, or who frequents strip clubs with his friends. I couldn't marry a man that cheated on me in the past. I know all too well that if he has done it before, he is bound to do it again. But women are so ready to forgive. They believe in second chances. They gradually become immune to the negative behaviors of men, to the point where it is acceptable.
I have a wonderful friend that I have known for many years. She is in what I could call a bad relationship. Her boyfriend of two and half years causes her more heartache than she is willing to admit. He has had affairs. He arrives home purely drunk after a night with his "friends." He vomits when he's drunk at the apartment that he and my friend share, only to have my friend clean up after him. He doesn't' respect her wishes. In one instance, I was there when he rudely told her to "shut up" after she was questioning him regarding some lies he dished out earlier that day.
But why does she stay with him? Why? I asked her. She told me that it was because she was comfortable in the relationship, and felt that he loved her. She felt that she loved him. Being comfortable in a relationship only means that you have become immune to your partner's bad tendencies. You blame yourself for getting mad at him. You give the man reasoning that he does not deserve.
I actually asked my friend to 'test' her boyfriend. I asked her to propose to him. I went with her to Wal-Mart to gather materials needed for a romantic dinner, a piece of lingerie for their planned night together, and a wedding band. Granted, this wedding band wasn't worth much, but it was a sign of marriage. I prepared my friend for the proposal, and sent her on her way. The news I received later was extremely discouraging. She told me that after she proposed (she hid the ring in one of the meatballs in her spaghetti!), he told her that they were too young. She cried. She was angry and sad. But yet, she's steadfast by his side. I couldn't tell you why.
Then there is another friend of mine...a new friend I met through college. She is a wonderful, smart, funny girl. She is one of the best students in my class. She's married, and has an adorable little boy that resulted from that marriage. The catch? He's in El Paso. She's here in San Antonio. He's talked about divorce with her, though they have been married for four years. He's having affairs, lying to her, ignoring her phone calls. He doesn't make efforts to visit her. This friend told of how she drives to see him. It's a nine hour drive. She told of how when she felt like she was over him, he begged for another chance. And of course, she gave in. She, too, is becoming immune to his lies. What I found fascinating in a sick way is how she remains with him even though he clearly expressed his newfound interest in another female. How does this not bother my friend? At what time did her brain not register that this was a problem? She told me that she believed in second chances, and that her heart wanted to stay with her husband. But since when is the heart right? How many times have we, as females, beaten our heads against a wall after following our heart, and ignoring our guts and minds?
These women are mentally bound to these heartless men. And then there are those countless women who are beaten every day, belittled, bruised...how many woman are hiding behind layers of concealer to hide the bruises caused by their 'loved' one? Woman in these types of physically abusive relationships are terribly afraid of leaving their boyfriends, husbands, and lovers.
The key elements in physically abusive relationships are humiliation, intimidation, and actually bodily injury.
Why do women stay? Other than the immunity acquired that accepts men's bad behavior over time, women stay because the man apologizes and seems sincere. The woman usually believes this. If a woman came from a home where abuse was prevalent, she may come to accept it as normal, consciously or not. The more a woman was abused as a child, whether it is sexual, emotional, or physically, the more likely she is to stay with an abuser. I know that many women feel economically dependent on the man. They may feel as if they have no skills to offer the world, and that without their male counterpart, they will be lost in the streets. In that females' eye, she may be putting up with the abuse to achieve economic stability.
Fear is a huge factor. Most females believe that their partners are incredibly strong, and they see no way of protecting themselves from him. There is also a spiritual fear...some people are in religions where divorced is looked down upon. A woman may be afraid of what some people may say or think in regards to her divorce and her as a person.
A woman needs to be aware of the fact that she needs to do what is right for her and her children, not what is right in everyone else's eyes.
If you are a female in mentally abusive relationship, take a moment to look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Is the man you are living with really the man of your dreams? What do you truly hate about him? Are you trying to compensate your hatred of his habits by giving in to his occasional gift? Don't become a tool for the man. Be strong. Leave him if you have to. If your heart is telling you that you love him, and that he deserves a second chance, but your mind and gut are telling you to leave him, that you aren't happy, and you deserve better, listen to that. Your heart is subject to many whims, it never knows what it truly wants...but your mind knows exactly what needs to be done, what can be tolerated, and when it's time to leave that horrible man.
Published by Sue Ellen K.
Sue Ellen is a 25 year old woman with a passion for scrapbooking, reading and anything nautical. She has two children and is in a fulfilling relationship. View profile
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18 Comments
Post a CommentWomen who are abused are not weak. They are stronger then most men out there. They get up the floor after a beating get the kids back to bed and get up with two black eyes get the kids to school and go to work, and go home and make supper and continue on. The problem out there is society and other women that think it is funny to laugh at women that have been abused, or blame them not the person who hits. I mean if women did not they in turn would not end up with the abusr another women has run from.
I think that the whole society is to blame for women who are in abusive relationships. Starting from the cradle up. It is the way you are raised. Girls should be raised the same as boys. Not over protected all the time. But make them independent and stick up for themselves and know that they are important in their own right. I was raised that way. I wasn't raised to believe that I would grow up and get married and my Prince would come and whisk me off on a white horse and I would live happily ever after. In this society, you do just that! And also in the schools, certain girls are picked on and hit or laughed at if they don't look a certain way, talk a certain way, etc. etc. etc.
All women should be empowered and know that they are equal to any man. I certainly know that and I wouldn't tolerate any abuse. In fact I had my first boy/girl fight at the age of seven and beat the living daylights out of the kid. He had it coming to him and he got it. He was bigger than me as well.
There is a lot of relationships out there are like that, women stay with abusive and violence men who would hit them if there is a fight. So it is very bad when this happens and sometimes is uncontrollable when it became violent. They may end up injures too and at times someone will die; most of the time is the woman who suffer or die. And women you got to understand if things are bad about a relationship just stay away. If the partner became worst just call the cops to resolved issues or depart the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend away for good. It is no good if this keep coming back. There is one incident in SF there is a white make looks like he is psycho he knew a Filipina lady, the relationship last for 6 months, thdn it just fall apart, the lady wanted to leave for good, The man keep coming back in a abusive way. One night the lady had dinner came back the man approach her then took out a knife stab her numerous times before she falls to the ground end up dead. The two kids watch helplessly, it is so devastating for the event.
If you notice most abusers use the same words “who will want you†or “you are ugly and fat†or “you are stupid†that’s because they already know you are thinking like that. The only way out is to ensure the safety for yourself and if you have kids (remember you are the best role model for them so if you stay, chances are they will end up the same way) and get a good support system, file a police report (even if it’s a verbal abuse) and get out ….. never look back because you are a human being and not an animal being led to the slaughter house. You deserve happiness… if you don’t believe this, then you also need therapy.
the reason why women stay is because of low self esteem. this only happens because the woman was like that already before she met her abuser. She didnt think she was pretty enough, or thin enough or strong enough or smart enough. and because of that, she looks for someone to fill the void. Unfortunately, abusers are smarter, they prey on the women who look for enablement. It’s the same way pedophiles prey on the lonely kid that’s always alone, abusers look for these kinda women. A woman needs to know she is strong before someone else tells her so. She needs to know she is beautiful before someone else confirms it and she needs to know she can make it on her own without someone else providing for her. If she cant do these things or know these things, the abuser will approach because his main thing is to take that little self worth she has and trample on it hence her dependency on him. That is why its hard for some women to leave. If you notice most abusers use the same words “who
What exactly would make a PERSON who stays in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship strong? Do you feel that being idealistically hopeful, disillusioned, and/or fearful is a sign of strength? Because it's not.
I feel as though I'm in a bad dream and I somehow have lost my balance and my self confidence along with my solitude and integrity, I jumped into a relationship right after my husband of 23 years got killed in a horrific awful 18 wheeler accident, now I'm out of money no where to go no job, a home I own that I let him talk me into putting on his family's land, have recently had to have all my top teeth pulled and no way of getting any dentures, he comes and goes as he pleases, and I am here looking stupid, and he's all time telling me just how stupid I am, I'm also bi-polar which is the worst part of it really, because of this I was vulnerable and he jumped on it, now I have no way out and no where to go and he knows it, and he treats me as he pleases, I have no family that cares so I'm either gonna commit suicide, or live in the woods, it gets worse day by day, I can't even talk what he doesn't put me down or tell me just how stupid I am, if you are reading this and are recently widow
We need to be strong and aware so that we're able to recognize the signs beforehand. We often see the signs but we usually ignore them until it's too late. By the way, domestic violence can affect all women, rich and poor. Many women may be strong in their professional lives, but may handle their personal lives very differently. The saddest thing about domestic violence is that many victims tend to be very secretive and protective of the men who abuse them, either because of fear or shame. You can live in the same house with a victim of domestic violence and never know what they go through. At some point, we must learn to call upon our bravery.
Oh for the guy that said sex is better after your abused ? No sex isnt better when you have bruised ribs and a blood filled eye !!!! How dare you
Im in an abusive relationship . I feel trapped because im very sick and unable to work . I am at my wits end . Every thing that you listed i relate to . I have even felt like killing myself because i feel so ashamed of my self . I wish that i had friends . I have tried to go to church to meet people but that was used against me . the city that i live in has one d.v shelter where they kick you out all day and let you come back for dinner and shower . Im not physically strong enough to do that , but im not able to endure this life any more . Does any one have a suggestion?