Mentally Impaired Girl Meets a Killer

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Holly could smell mold upon waking. The air in her apartment was damp and smelled of wet clothes. She'd have to turn up the heat. She hated being cold more than anything she knew of.

She got out of bed and went into the bathroom. As she brushed her teeth she planned her day. She'd go downtown. She had enough money to get some French fries and coke. Maybe even a donut or something later in the day.

She looked down at her toothbrush and saw blood. Her gums were bleeding again. Everything seemed to go bad at once. Especially her body. She was twenty-one years old and she felt like an old woman.

She picked up the cracked cup from the sink and rinsed out her mouth. She went over to the closet and picked a peasant blouse off the floor. She found some maternity pants she'd gotten from a thrift store and pulled them on. The peasant blouse covered the part of the pants over her stomach so no one could tell that she was wearing maternity pants.

She checked herself in front of the mirror and decided that she looked pretty good. She looked as if she had some place to go.

She looked around at her almost empty apartment. She never did get a vacuum and the rug was so stained that she could barely sit on it. It was hard to think that once she'd been tidy. At least that's what her mom had told her. She couldn't remember even being neat.

Her mom said when she was in junior high school and they were living in Spokane, shed kept her room clean. She was "tidy" then. Her bed was always clean and that wasn't a thing out of place. Holly remembered that her room was clean but she didn't remember cleaning it. She remembered lying on the bed in her clean room and day dreaming. Her mom said that she was good, then; she hardly knew that she was around.

Holly thought hard about that time. She had no clear picture about what the room look like but she remembered being in there. She wasn't fat then. Or a slob. And now her mom knew that she was "around." She wished that she wasn't. Around. She'd liked it if Holly just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Now that she was on her own and just meeting her for money for her rent, she didn't see her mom much anymore.

She didn't see anyone much anymore. Except the guys she picked up at the convenience stores. But now that the weather had turned cold, they weren't many beach boy types looking for someone to buy them liquor.

She put her hand to her eyes and was surprised that she was crying. Tears ran down her face as if they had a will of her own. Where had that come from? It was thinking about the tidy room that got her going. She wished that she was back there where everything was in its place. She could lie there and not have to worry about getting a job or going to school or anything else that made her head and stomach ache.

She could dream about getting married and having someone take care of her. She could have someone to talk to. Someone who asked her who her favorite movie star was or have her name her favorite soap opera.

She loved to talk! Words spilled out of her mouth as if they had a will of their own. Most of the time people would get mad at her and tell her to 'put a lid on it'. Or when she wouldn't stop talking, they would tell her that she had a bad case of "diarrhea of the mouth."

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Well, she didn't have anyone to talk to. And probably never would. She'd just have to get that through her head.

She picked up her tote bag next to her bed and checked her change purse. She had $l0. Enough for something to eat and a movie. She'd kill several hours and when she got back she could watch TV until she got tired enough to sleep.

Holly picked up the white ski jacket from the floor in her closet; she still had no hangers, and slipped it on. She took a last look around the room. When she got back, she'd have to clean her apartment. It was her home after all. Where she lived. She'd just have to make an effort not to be so messy.

When she closed the front door and turned to lock it, she had made up her mind that when she returned, she'd get her house in order. It was time.

Like all others the day drifted by in a gray fog. She went into McDonalds and had a cheeseburger and fries and she waited for the matinee to start. The boy she knew her from last year didn't work there anymore---someone told her that he had gone on to college, and the person who waited on her didn't say nothing to her but "can I have your order, please." She wanted another order of fries, but she better save enough for the movie and she wasn't that sure of her math to risk not having enough to see "Valley Girl."

The movie was really good. It was about the valley girl who goes out with a Hollywood guy and is rejected by her friends. Holly laughed her head off in some places. She thought it was so funny, she sat through in twice.

When she got out of the movie theatre she was surprised to see that it had gotten dark. Inside the entire world was a big shopping mall where valley girls wore cute clothes and had good looking boyfriends who hung on to everyone word they said.

It was hard coming back to the real world where old men slept in doorways and bag ladies walked around with grocery shopping carts full of old clothes and garbage bags.

The street people looked at her as if she was one of them. When they did that Holly turned away as if she didn't see them. She couldn't understand why they always noticed her.

She walked down Second Avenue until she came to an all-night donut shop. She decided to go in there for a coke and then go back to her apartment.

The yellow lights of the restaurant were so bright that they hurt her eyes. She was sensitive to light and often wore dark glasses in the summer. A Chinese man behind the counter took her coke order, "Is that all you want is a coke?"

"Yes all I want is a coke." She repeated. She assumed he had a hard time understanding English.

He frowned at her as he gave her the coke. She saw a table in the corner. She always looked for corner tables, and then took her drink over to it.

The orange plastic seat looks like an unpeeled orange. Why did cheap places always have plastic table and chairs? Didn't they think people liked to sit in leather or material?

She reached inside her tote bag for her vinyl billfold that held her Washington ID and bus pass. She better check how much money she had left. When she opened her billfold and didn't see the bus pass, she panicked. It had to be there! She had it only this morning. Oh! now she remembered. When she got on the bus she was in such a hurry to board because there were some young boys behind her.

They were pushing her and telling her to "move her ass". She didn't want to make them mad because they would start talking about her being fat. She got in such a hurry to get out of their way that she must have dropped the pass after she'd taken it out to show it to the bus driver.

God, what was she going to do? She had no way to get home without her bus pass. She had spent all her money.

Maybe it had fallen out of her billfold into the bottom of her tote bag. She dumped the entire contents on the table and pawed through it. Old newspapers, tissues, lipstick, eye shadow, a tin box of some phone numbers of guys she'd scribbled on napkins, and match book covers, sunglasses, and birth control pills.

She picked up the birth control pill container, and shook it. Nearly full: she kept forgetting to take them. She had to be more careful. But no, no bus pass. Anywhere.

She put the stuff back in her bag. How was she going to get home? She didn't have thirty cents, let alone 50 cents for bus fare.

She considered calling Beth collect and asking her to pick her up but she changed her mind when she thought about the questions she'd ask her. "What are you doing downtown at nine o'clock at night? Don't you know it's dangerous down there!

And then Beth would go on about all the scary stories about the Green River Killer. Ever since Uncle James got assigned to that investigation, she was obsessed with it.

She had enough worries without having to listen to scary stories about the Green River killer.

She wasn't a prostitute and he wouldn't be picking on her.

"It's not just prostitutes but street kids."

"Well so what? Did she think she was a street kid, or something?"

"No Holly, I don't think you're a street kid. But you hang around places that he's known to frequent."

She finally had to tell Beth not to talk to her about it. It was too upsetting.

Beth was out. Who else could she call? Not her mother. She knew she would be out on a date or something. She was never home.

There was a punk-looking kid in a leather jacket with "Born to Raise Hell" across his chest. An older lady in a sweater with Santa and his reindeer across it was sipping a cup of coffee. Other than the Chinese man behind the donut case they were the only three in the place.

The smell of the donut grease made her stomach roll; she hoped that she wasn't getting the flu or something. She took another sip of coke and made a loud slurping sound. Damn. She had drunk it all up. Now, what could she do? The Chinese guy behind the counter wouldn't know that she had finished her drink. They didn't like it when you took up a table after you had finished your order.

"A castle, called Doubting-Castle, the owner whereof was Giant Despair."

"What!" At first she saw only the lizard cowboy boots. When she looked up she saw a large man in a leather jacket. What had he come from? He must have walked in when she was looking for her bus pass.

His dark hair was slicked back in a style that reminded her of the movies of the fifties. She thought they might have been called 'duck tails' or 'duck butts'. Something like that. He wore thick glasses. He looked like an older man trying to hide his age.

"A line from Pilgrim's Progress," he said when she didn't say anything. "You looked so sad I thought you might be the owner of Doubting Castle." He put hand out in front of him. "May I join you?"

The guy must be some kind of weirdo---talking about castles in a donut house! She started to tell him to take a hike when she suddenly changed her mind. What harm would there be in talking to him? She didn't have anything better to do. In fact, if she didn't get some money to get home, she'd be there all night. She might as well relax until she could think of a way to get home.

"It's a free country." She smiled.

He took a seat across from her. He didn't say anything for a moment and it made Holly uncomfortable. He was looking at her as if she were for sale or something. "Are you reading a book on pilgrims or something?"

He laughed. And the sound reminded her of those battery-operated clown dolls. She shuddered.

"Oh, I'm not laughing at you. It's a line from Pilgrim's Progress. A great allegory about a Christian's journey."

Whatever that was! "I'm not very religious," Holly said when she heard the word Christian. Leastwise, I don't go to church much."

She wasn't sure if she had ever gone to church. She knew that her dad was a Catholic but he said he stopped that when he married Brenda. He "fell from grace", he said.

"That's the trouble with this world. No one prays to anything. We acknowledge only the almighty dollar."

Holly bet he'd ...acknowledge the almighty dollar too, if he had to worry about bus fare. She could almost smell his leather jacket and the cross he had around his neck looked like real gold. She bet he drove a big fancy car.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She didn't know what else to say.

"Well goodness, I didn't mean to make you so sad. My names, Jack." He extended a beefy hand.

"Lisa." His hand was clammy as if he had been digging in dirt.

"Lisa is a pretty name. I have a daughter named Lisa."

Holly looked hard at him. His face softened when he talked about Lisa.

Maybe he wasn't so bad after all. He was probably just lonely and his daughter was married or something. And he had no one left at home.

"I'll wager you'd like a donut or another coke. How about a couple of chocolate donuts with red sprinkles on them?"

She looked down at her empty coke. "Yeah, that would be nice. I like chocolate."

The clown smile again. If he had makeup on, he face would have cracked. He got up and went over to the counter. Holly thought of the donut and was surprised that she was hungry already. The nausea had passed and she was looking forward to the sugary taste of the donut.

He came back with three donuts. A chocolate with red sprinkles, a vanilla with green sprinkles and a pudding-filled pastry. She forgot to tell him that she wanted a diet coke, but that was ok. A coke was a coke. He had a cup of coffee on the tray.

"Sweet for the sweet." He put them in front of her like he was giving her diamonds or something.

"They look real good." She reached for the chocolate donut first. She was starved!

He took a sup of the coffee. "Are you waiting for someone? Your boyfriend?"

She knew he was just being polite. No one would go into a donut shop that time of night. Alone. "I don't have anyone. A boy friend," she corrected.

"A pretty girl like you? I don't believe it!"

Holly had eaten the donut in three bites. She reached for the vanilla one. "I don't have a regular boyfriend. But I have boyfriends."

"Of that I have no doubt. Do you live with your parents?"

The donut seemed to stick in her throat. "No...I live..." she started to say alone but changed her mind. "by myself." She regretted saying that the minute it was out of her mouth. By herself was alone. Damn it! Why couldn't she think fast like other people?

"Do you parents live in Seattle?"

She rinsed the second donut down with her coke. "Why are you asking me all these questions, huh?"

He smiled with his mouth open this time and Holly wished he hadn't. His teeth were brown and kind of sharp. He looked like a hyena.

"Oh I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry. It's that just I'm interested in young girls. I work with disadvantaged youth and---"

"Well, I'm not "disadvantaged"

"Oh, I'm sorry Lisa! I didn't mean that you were. I just wanted to explain that I have an interest in helping young girls."

"Oh." She reached for the pastry. She liked it when the filling was hidden inside. It was like you got two things for the price of one. A donut and a pudding. "My name is not Lisa. I just want to be a Lisa and so sometimes I call myself that." Her teeth sunk into the center of the soft pasty.

"What is a...Lisa, Holly?" His voice was so soft she could hardly hear it. The kid with the tee-shirt had left and the old woman was staring in space.

"I don't know what you mean?"

"Describe the kind of girl you'd like to be?"

Now, why would he want her to do that? God, he sounded like her therapist. Oh well, it didn't matter. She could describe her all she wanted. It wouldn't make her one bit closer to being her. She was a Holly. She would always be a Holly. She would die a holly. She took a deep breath and begin.

"Lisa is tall. But not too tall, she isn't taller than the boys or anything. She is...statuesque. She has blue or green eyes. The color of the sky in the morning or the sea at night.

She is a high school cheerleader and prom queen. She has all the boyfriends she wants and her clothes are all beautiful with designer labels sewn into them. She lives in California where the sun shines all the time."

He leaned closer to her. His breath smelled like cloves. "Do you need money, Holly?"

Boy! that came out of nowhere! Did she look that desperate? She supposed she did. She took a napkin and wiped the frosting off her mouth. She'd eaten all the donuts but there was still an empty feeling in her stomach. "Well, yes I do. But just enough to get back to my apartment. I spent all my money and then lost my bus pass. I'll pay you back!" she offered. She always offered to pay her loans back.

He reached over and stroked her hair. "You hair is the color the sun."

She loved it when people complimented her on her hair. Most of the time all they noticed that she was fat. "I shampoo it every day."

He reached into his leather jacket and took out a billfold with some kind of religious symbol on it. "I can see that you're the kind of girl that pays attention to her hair."

She noticed that it was snowing slightly. She didn't like the snow. It screwed up al the bus schedules. She wished it would have snowed on Christmas when she went over to Brenda's. She didn't stay long. Brenda had her boyfriend over and he looked at her as if she had just crawled out from a rock or something.

Brenda didn't even introduce them as her daughter. She said she was her niece. "I'm sorry, honey," she said when her boyfriend had left. "But if he knew I was old enough to be your daughter, he'd be history!"

Brenda had made her take a shower before she sat down to dinner. And when she was ready to leave, she had to wait two hours for a bus because of the holiday schedule. Now she was going to have to dread New Year's which just a few days away.

She hated the coming of a new year because everyone was always making resolutions and having parties. She knew that next year would be same as the year before. It wouldn't make any difference if she made all the resolutions in the world. It wouldn't change a thing. Not a damn thing.

"I'm parked down the street---next to the Apple Theatre. Let's go somewhere we can talk. I'd like to get to know you better."

She didn't want to go anywhere with him. She knew that the Apple Theatre was a porn theatre. What was he doing parking there? But she needed a half dollar for bus fare and he was probably good for it.

"I don't know...It's getting late and I'd just like to go home."

"Oh, I'm planning on giving you the bus fare. Don't worry about that? It's just that I thought we could go somewhere for a cup of coffee and something to eat." He took a bill from his wallet. It was $l0. "Here's the money. See, I don't have any ulterior motives. Take it. You're not obligated in anyway to go anywhere with me." He put the bill down by the Styrofoam coffee cup. "I just want to get to know you."

Holly looked at the money on the table. He really was nice, giving her the money and not expecting anything in return. He was just lonely. Probably wouldn't hurt a fly.

He picked up the ten dollar bill and grabbed her hand. He opened her palm and put the money inside. "Your ten dollar insurance policy."

"Well, thank you." Holly put the money in her tote bag. She had the bus fare. She'd go with him just long enough to be polite and then take the bus back to her apartment. She'd be home by ten o'clock. By then she'd be tired enough to go to sleep.

That was a big deal to her to be tired enough to sleep. Most of the time she'd lie in bed until three o'clock in the morning and just stare into the dark.

She hated it when she couldn't sleep. When she couldn't sleep, she would start thinking about serious things. And she didn't like to think about serious things; it made her too upset.

Holly stood up. "Well, okay. We'll just go for a little ride. Maybe see the last of the Christmas lights before they take them down for the New Year. But then I want to go home. Okay?"

John got up from the chair. Even under his leather jacket, she could see that he had powerful shoulders. She bet he lifted weights or something. She might ask him if he lifted weights when they were in the car. But right now she had the bus fare and she could look forward to going home and getting some sleep.

"That's the first time I saw you smile" he said as they walked out into a light powdery snow.

He would never know that she was smiling because she was thinking about going home and being tired enough to sleep. Her worries were over.