Mercy Said No

I met him at Upward Bound, an academic program for high school students that are planning to go to college. I was a visitor with a friend of mine, Karen*. He was in one of her classes and I immediately felt something special between us. I asked Karen what his name was, she said it was James. I kept asking her all kinds of questions about him and finally, she wrote him a note about me liking him. He just blushed. I was nervous the rest of the day until we had another class with him. All through the class, instead of doing work, Karen and James wrote notes back and forth about whether or not he liked me and so on. He said he did but since he was only 15 he couldn't really date anyone. He said it was his parents' rule that he had to wait until he was 16. But he and I quickly became friends and met a couple of times at this little restaurant for a soda and talked.

When he turned 16, things didn't quite turn out how I had hoped. We stayed friends, but he started dating one of his other friends that liked him. I started dating one of James' friends. I still had a crush on James however. He dated this girl and I dated this other guy through that winter and on through most of the summer of 1999. Things got rocky with me and this other guy and James' girlfriend kept treating him bad. So I broke it off with my boyfriend and he did the same with his girlfriend. James and I continued to be friends even though I sensed he wanted it to be more. So did I. But neither of us mentioned it. Partly because I figured it would be best to be friends for a while first.
On Christmas Eve, James called me before he and his family left for the holidays and surprised me by asking me to be his girlfriend. Of course, I jumped at the chance. (He has always been the romantic type.) So we dated and I fell more and more in love with him. We went to his junior prom and stayed together for about two years. Then things turned for the worst.

Satan started messing with me during my senior year in high school. I met these two girls, Lydia* and Sherry*, and quickly became their friend. I also became friends with all their friends. You see, they were popular and I felt like I finally fit in. At first it was cool, and then bit by bit it turned into a nightmare. I met this other guy and we hit it off. (Yes, I was still with James. I was led to believe that things between James and I weren't good, but now that I look back at it, I see Satan was just having his fun.)
So, of course, I broke it off with James, which now I regret. I thought I was happy with this new guy, Daren*. We had only been going to together a few months and had started being intimate. Way too intimate. I was way too involved to see what was really going on. He and his friends, along with Sherry and Lydia were doing drugs. But I thought that I would never do that. Then I started drifting away from my mom and my family. I was spending more and more time with my new friends. My mom and I were soon growing apart and weren't seeing much of each other. It was tearing her up inside and I didn't see it. All I cared about was Daren and my friends. I lost all my other friends, but I didn't care. I had Daren.

Finally my mom got tired of it and told me she didn't want me to see Daren or my friends, because my grades were falling and she was scared that I would mess my scholarship for college up. Of course I just got angry. I thought she just didn't want me to have friends. I started being angry with her and felt resentment towards her. That was when I went into the hospital the first time. I took an overdose of pills and went into the stress center. The pills I took weren't enough to hurt me. I stayed in the stress center for a week and during that week, James came to see me. He was by my side even after I broke it off with him. He stayed a good friend. Even Daren didn't come to see me. All he could do was tell me I was stupid for trying to commit suicide. I believed him. So, when I was released from the hospital and went back home with my mom, who was a mental wreck by then, I was angry because I didn't die. Then, I ran away and stayed with Daren and my friends. (They all stayed in one house. That's how they were, Sherry's mom took all these kids in and let them do drugs and drink and everything else inside her home. That is how I met Daren in the first place.) I started drinking alcohol with my friends to take the pain away. The pain of acting this way towards my mom. My best friend. It helped ease the pain. I couldn't stop. Mom finally told me that she would allow me to see Daren but not my friends. By this time, Daren had already moved back into his parents' home. I agreed to it and came home. What my mom didn't know was that I was coming up with plans to see my friends still. Whenever I said I was going over to Daren's, I was meeting him at Sherry and Lydia's house. I told my mom I had met new friends at school when I had actually been hanging out with the 'forbidden' friends. I didn't care though, I had Daren.

My friends and I would cruise the 'bash every weekend. The 'bash is actually called Wabash Avenue and is the place that every teen goes to on Friday and Saturday nights. We would drive around for hours up and down the street. Occasionally we would stop on the side of the road and sit and watch other teens go by. By then, I moved from drinking to smoking. I thought I was so cool to be out there with all the popular kids. I was finally like them. I finally fit in. I still had no idea what I was in for.

One night while we were cruising the 'bash, my mom showed up at the house where I was living at. Well, we pulled up and saw her. I asked her how she found out where I was and she said she read a letter I wrote to a friend describing the things I was doing. She freaked out. Mom and I had a major argument and I said that I wanted to move out and be on my own. I thought I was ready. Was I ever wrong!

So I moved out. I still attended school and went to church with mom, but it was tearing her up to see me throw my life away. I would see her cry and I knew she was sad. But I was so blind that I couldn't see a way out of the mess. Eventually, mom said she had to stop seeing me because it hurt too badly. So, I stopped going around her and stopped going to church. Satan had such a hold on me by this time. I eventually stopped going to school, I lost my job I was working at, I started drinking more and getting high. Everything was taken from me, but I didn't care. I had Daren.

Well, things got difficult between Daren and me. After doing some things that I shouldn't have done involving one of his friends, we broke up. He played with my heart for three weeks before saying he wanted to get back with me. I was so happy when he said this. The whole next day after we got back together, I was on cloud nine. Then when I got back to where I was staying, I found out it was a joke. He didn't really want to be with me. By this time, I couldn't take it anymore. Everything I had in life had been ripped from me. I lost my mom, my family, my job, school, God, Everything! I was at rock bottom and I didn't know what else to do but die. So, I went for it. I took a bunch of pills that I knew would definitely kill me and wrote a note saying how sorry I was and for my friends to tell my mom I loved her. I prayed that if God was real, that was the time to prove it to me. Then I lay down to die.
I was almost asleep when I heard Sherry walk into the room I was staying in and tell me she had something to say. Suddenly she ran out of the room and a few minutes later her mom came in. She made me stand up so I couldn't go to sleep. By this time, I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. By now, I could feel the pills start to take affect. But I fought it long enough to run out of the house when Sherry told me she called my mom. I ran to Daren's house to ask him how he could do this to me. I screamed at him and cried. He just stood there as if I wasn't even talking. By this time, all my friends were looking for me because they didn't know where I was. One of them drove up to Daren's house to get me. I ran from her too. I didn't want help. I just wanted to die. I glanced back to see that the truck my friend was driving had several of my friends in it. I just kept running, tears stinging my eyes, my heart pounding. Finally, one of my guy friends caught up with me and talked me into going back to Sherry's house. I gave in because I didn't have the strength to keep running. I felt like I was going to fall over right then and there. But I managed to make it back to the house. I sat down on the chair and waited. My mom rushed through the front door about then and walked over to me. She pleaded with me to go to the hospital. At first I said no. She begged me to, so I decided to go. I didn't want to, but I couldn't bear to see my mom like that.

Ten minutes later
My mom rushed me to the front door of the emergency room and told the nurse what happened. I could feel myself start to fall asleep standing up. Mom kept telling me to hold on. So I did. I was rushed into the trauma room and the nurses made me swallow this long tube that caused me to throw up. I kept pulling it out of my throat. I fought the nurses off because they were trying to save me. Eventually, they got help and I was held down. They managed to get me to swallow the tube and I threw up. After wards, I had to drink this chalky liquid stuff and that also made me sick. A few minutes after that, my mom walked in and her eyes grew wide. She later told me she couldn't believe what she saw. Mom said I looked horrible. Black liquid was running down the front of the gown I had on. My face was stained from it and she said the look I had on my face was scary. She said she couldn't recognize me.
That night when I was settled in the hospital room, my mom called the assistant pastor to see if he could come to talk to me. He did. We talked about everything that happened and how I was feeling. I kept saying that I still wanted to be friends with Lydia and Sherry. Mom was upset because of everything that happened.
The doctor said he wanted me to stay in the hospital so he could monitor my heart and keep an eye on me. I was transferred to the stress center after a few days. I stayed for about a week and a half at the stress center. Throughout that time, I went to group discussions and saw counselors. Eventually, God came back into my life. It was slow since my heart was cold from everything that happened. A couple of my friends from the church, Sara* and Rachel*, came to see me. They bought me a new bible and prayed with me.

I was released from the stress center on Halloween. I still missed Daren and tried to talk to him every chance I could get. He played with my heart a little more. I still had hopes of getting back with him. Crazy I know, but I did. I made a point to try not to see Lydia and Sherry. I wanted to, but I knew it was best I didn't. Through time, I began to forget about them. I joined a dance group at my church called 3D. We performed everywhere in Indiana.
I slowly got my life back. My teachers told me that with only two weeks left of the first semester and since I missed so many assignments, it was no use to even come back that semester. They said it would be best if I withdrew and started the year over! I was devastated. My senior year and I had to do it all over again. I wasn't going to be graduating at the right time in 2002. Although I knew it was my fault, I was still angry. Mom asked me what I wanted to do; I said I wanted to try it. I knew that with Gods help, I could do all things. So I buckled down and studied and did all the work I was supposed to do. I did about three months of homework in two weeks. I was desperate. I really wanted to graduate at the time that I was supposed to. But I didn't know if I really would. I was failing practically all my classes and all my teachers said it was pointless to try. But I kept at it.

There I was, standing on stage preparing to give my speech. I looked out at my mom in the audience and seen her crying. I was crying too. I did it. I was graduating and it was at the right time. All the teachers couldn't believe it. They couldn't believe that I made such a turn around in those two weeks. I brought my grades up from D's and F's to B's and C's for the first semester. And get this! I graduated with a 4.0 GPA!
I stepped up to the microphone to give my speech. I looked across the audience.
"Today as we embark on this new journey, from high school to college, we will never forget the love we've received from all the teachers here at McLone High School. I, personally, would like to thank Mr. Smith* for always encouraging me, and Mrs. Wells* for hanging in there with me and for pressuring me to get my work done whenever I wanted to forget all of it. Thanks to the principal, Mr. Drake*, for giving me a second chance to turn my life around. And a special thanks to my mom, for being herself and being my best friend. For encouraging me and never giving up. Even when I had. I know that as I leave this stage today, I will always keep the memories I have from this place. Thank you!"
Everyone applauded as I stepped back to let the next girl give her speech. I looked back at my mom in the audience and she blew me a kiss. I couldn't keep from smiling all day. And crying.

I had been hanging out with James off and on, just as friends. We both wanted more but thought it was best to wait. Then on June 15, I was driving him home and he told me he missed me. He said he needed someone in his life. That something was missing. He said that something was me and asked if I would be his girlfriend again. Of course I said yes. (We have been together since). We decided to forget about that period of time when I messed up. We sort of think of it like we only took a break from each other for a while. He had still been there for me. Our hearts were still together, even though Satan also had it at the time.

Things were really starting to look up. And things continued to stay that way... for once.

I am currently in my fifth year at college and James and I have been married since May of 2006. I have talked to Sherry once since my overdose and I asked her what made her come up to the room I was in. She said she had a sudden urge to tell me something. But by the time she got up to the room, she forgot. That's when she seen the note I had written and the rest is history. I now know that God saved me and he answered my prayer. He cares about me.
My mom and I are better friends than ever before.

(FYI: I haven't talked to Daren since James and I have been together again)