Merriam-Webster Announces New Words to Be Included in Dictionary

Merriam-Webster, the guys that publish one of the more respected dictionaries of the American attempt to murder the English language, announced this week its annual list of new words that they will include in their later editions.

While their efforts are both commendable and appreciated, it seems that more than a few "old" words could benefit from "new" definitions.

Rather than trouble the editors at Merriam-Webster, I would like to directly propose that the following definitions be universally adopted.

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Comparative Government (noun): that branch of political science devoted to simultaneously analyzing the errors of past political systems while ignoring the lessons to be learned; the process in which one ox extols the virtue of his own oppression while criticizing those of his yoke-mate.

Congress (noun): a body of men and women that, taken together, exceed the number of villains in Ali Babba and the 40 Thieves by 495.

Conservatism (noun): a dangerous political philosophy which maintains that, irrespective of the magnitude of a given problem and the dire consequences that it may portend, more taxes and/or more government regulations are not the solution to that problem.

Election (noun): the process by which he voters are allowed to confirm the media's selections.

Election, Primary (noun): a major rite of passage on the path from party hack to nominee; a partisan beauty contest held to identify the party member most likely to deceive the greatest number of voters.

Executive Branch (noun): the first person incarnate in the Holy Trinity of American Constitutional Government; a deity of such malevolence that two equally malevolent deities were created merely to contain its excesses.

God (noun): a generic term that defines one's concept of a supreme being or an equally-supreme person; a supreme being or an equally-supreme person possessing the supernatural ability to simultaneously be on both sides of any given argument; the supreme being or equally-superior person that is blamed for every misfortune but denied credit for anything beneficial.

Intolerance (verb trans.): a term used to describe the insensitive attitude of someone that does not subscribe to the distorted logic behind your own beliefs.

Judicial Branch (noun): the Third Person of the American Constitutional Trinity, the deities concerned with defining the orthodoxy or legality of a particular action.

Jury, Grand (noun): a powerful body of men and women whose purpose is to affirm the prejudices of the public prosecutor.

Jury, Petit (noun): a lesser panel of men and women whose purpose is to affirm the prejudices of a grand jury.

Legislative Branch: the Second Person of the Constitutional Trinity, the Deity concerned with defining the means that the other Persons of the Trinity may use to punish those not currently within Their respective favors.

Monarchy (noun): a form of government in which power is invested in a sovereign by a people that have confusedly associated ancestry with competence.

People's Republic (noun): a form of national government that is neither receptive to the desires of the people nor a republic; the grandest form of political self-deception attainable under the doctrine of Communism.

Policy, Foreign (noun): a compilation of Domestic and Economic Policies that, having failed to accomplish their stated purposes, have been repackaged for export

Tar and Feather (noun): an obsolete form of protest in which fossil fuels and unrecyclable proteins were used to damage the local environment of some malefactor; (verb): to make good use of the previous definition.

Truth (noun): a philosophical concept that is invariably present in your statements but has yet to be found in those of your opponent;

Zebra (noun): a horse constructed in compliance with the appropriate federal, state, and local regulations.