Merry Christmas from Me to You

I took my son out Christmas shopping yesterday. I'm essentially done with the presents for people I will see on December 25th, but in this season of giving, I want to reach out to my friends in the online world. Please accept these virtual gifts and receive them in the spirit in which I give them.

Alex - Since a World Series win for the Orioles is out of the question, may your accountant come up with five new deductions that allow you to buy that new car that you need almost as much as me.

Jacques Boulerice - An audience for your radio show the size of Howard Stern's and an equally large following for your AC work, providing you promise no more articles about the Loch Ness monster.

Dave - May the new boss give you as much autonomy as the old boss yet give you the recognition your work so clearly deserves. And since I don't care about hockey any more, may the Flyers bring your city a championship for the first time in - what is it now, 27 years?

DrDevience - A never expiring Eurail Global Pass, but only if I get a Lapland T-shirt in return.

Jake Emen - A video, complete with Ferdie Pacheco commentary, of you dismantling Tom Coughlin after another late-season collapse.

Carol Bengle Gilbert - What do you give the woman who has everything? Much like Sean Penn gave Michael Douglas in The Game, I'm going to give Carol an experience. My gift for Carol is to make her compose a poorly-written article that evokes tons of negative feedback, so just once in her career here at AC she can see what it's like for the rest of us on occasion.

Jeff Gorman - Admission to the Law School of your first choice. Because I'm going to need a good lawyer after the beating I put on Cleveland Cosanostra in the finals this week.

Michael Grisso - A gig working as an assistant for Mel Kiper, where in return for styling his hair every day you get unlimited access to his files for your Mock NFL drafts.

Lee Andrew Henderson - The identity of your personal downrater, so you can give the individual the throttling he so richly deserves. But you will probably be too busy writing articles to take full advantage of the opportunity. Hey, slow down and make a fantasy football trade or something!

Jonathan - Season tickets to the Nuggets so Ashley can develop a Carmelo Anthony crush.

Charlotte Kuchinsky - I was going to get you an evening of swapping favorite myths with your best friends in an ancient castle but then I found a bottle of "Charlie" and figured nothing went better with Larimar than that.

Nick Meyer - An undershirt signed by the Fab Five, so you can wear your feelings for all things Michigan close to your heart at all times.

David Michaels - An autographed picture of great Yankees managers Dallas Green, Bucky Dent and Stump Merrill and a lot of 100 Kevin Maas rookie cards.

Donna Porter - Someone special to serenade you with "Afternoon Tea" by the Kinks while you sits on the couch with a Clifford-sized bowl of Bordeaux Cherry Chocolate. That is as long as you help me with my computer problems. Otherwise, may you be subjected to a never-ending day of listening to tales of evil stepmothers.

Theresa - A text of the "Three Nos" speech so you can have it ready to use for Rob or Viviana, whoever needs it more.

Zac Wassink - An introduction to Kirk Radomski, so you can get an exclusive scoop on that side of the Mitchell Report. And while you're there - get some steroids, I think your testosterone levels are a little low after all the Christmas articles.

Kay Whittenhauer - A picture from that sidewalk stand in Canada of you going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. And may it not be as creepy as the promotional one they show with Donald Trump and his comb-over.

Bridgitte Williams - A gig reviewing products for a national magazine. And a copy of "There Once Was a Man from Nanutucket" so you can learn proper rhyming patters for your poems.

Thank you for reading and commenting on my articles and I hope you will continue to do so in the future.

Merry Christmas and remember the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said, "Rings and jewels are not gifts but apologies for gifts. The only true gift is a portion of yourself."