Michael Bay's "Transformers" Cliff Notes Script

I recently visited my parents for family movie night to celebrate my father's acquisition of an HD-DVD player. We both knew that the HD-DVD lost to the Blu-Ray in the media wars. But my father decided to stick with HD-DVD because, and I quote, "HD-DVD movies will be cheaper than dirt." We all settled into the home theater room of the house and was ready to watch a wholesome family movie complete with a meaningful message and a sugary-sweet tone when we decided to watch Michael Bay's Transformers instead. Father wanted to make full use of his HD TV and stereo system.

Watching Transformers in a theater-like setting reminded me of the advanced screening of the film I attended during Anime Expo 2007. Anime Expo is the largest anime convention of the West Coast and the advanced screening roped in more attendees. Now for a treat, I present the summarized script of Michael Bay's Transformers that I wrote during the advanced screening. It lacks explosions and other special effects, but still gets the main points of this awesome movie.

Comic-Con, 2006

Michael Bay: Hi, I'm the awesome Michael Bay. You may remember me for my awesome movies like Armageddon, The Island, and Pearl Harbor. I'm proud to announce that I will be making the awesome Transformers into an awesome summer blockbuster smash. Thanks to advanced computer special effects, I'm finally able to transform anything into something else. Isn't that awesome?

Comic-Con heckler: Why don't you transform yourself into a better film director, you moron?

Michael Bay: Deal with him, Megatron.

Frank Wellker Megatron: MEGATRON DOES NOT TAKE ORDERS FROM A PUNY HUMAN LIKE YOU, MICHAEL BAY!!!

Michael Bay: In that case, you're fired and your character will be redesigned into something awesome and more likely to obey my direction.

Generation Y audience who probably never saw the original Transformers: Cool!

Generation X audience who were probably raised on the original Transformers: We have a very bad feeling about this.

The Televised Previews

TV: See a bunch of people running in terror from giant robotic weapons of mass destruction! See a romantic love story unfold. If you're lucky, see Transformers characters.

Tom: I have a very bad feeling about this.

Eponine from Cosette and Eponine: Such a film is too low-brow for my taste.

Cosette from Cosette and Eponine: Transforming robots! I wanna see! I wanna see!

Tom: Get back to your own series, you Village of the Damned Children!

Victoria: Who're you talking to, Tom?

Tom: I don't know any more.

7/2/07, Anime Expo

The theater, the sidewalk, and the streets are filled with hundreds of eager people waiting to see Transformers. The crowd is restless. The Convention Center and Theater Staff are under-manned and under-trained.

The attendees are sitting and waiting for the movie to start. The crowd is still restless. A prick is having an unorthodox way of comping people for his con. Pepsiman is entertaining the masses.

AX Staff woman on period: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!!! OR I WILL KILL THE BUNNY!!!!!!! ARUGH!!!!!!!!

The Actual Movie

Narrator: Hi, I'm Peter Cullen. You may remember me as the original voice of the original Optimus Prime from the original 1984 incarnation of Transformers and... well, that's pretty much all you need to remember me from. If you know about this great toy line, you're good to go. If you don't know anything about Transformers, where the hell have you been? Now sit down and watch this portion of the movie, aptly titled "Movie A."

Audience: OK!

Movie A: Somewhere in Qatar with a bunch of army guys.

Soldier One: What are we doing here, Cuba Gooding Jr.?

Soldier Two: I'm not Cuba Gooding Jr., but I do fulfill Michael Bay's token black guy requirement.

Soldier One: Point taken. Nevertheless, what are we doing here in a movie about transforming robots that battle each other? Shouldn't such a simple plot mean that we're just... minor characters? Or worse... cannon fodder and collateral damage when and if these robots ever show up?

Soldier Two: I don't know, why don't we wait until this unidentified gigantic helicopter lands before continuing this conversation?

Giant helicopter: Bah weep graaagnah wheep ni ni bong!

US Base in Qatar: Hey, the Universal greeting. I guess he's friendly.

(Giant helicopter lands)

Giant helicopter: SUCKERS!

(Gunfire, explosions, a bunch of soldiers screaming and dying)

Soldier One: Cuba, get on that anti-air gun and take that SOB down!

Soldier Two: Goddamn it, this isn't Pearl Harbor! And I'm still not Cuba Gooding Jr.!

Soldier One: You sure? That giant, transforming helicopter has the attack power of squadrons of Japanese Zeroes.

Giant Helicopter: By the way, say hello to my little friend! (Deploys scorpion robot underground)

Meanwhile, in Movie B

Teenage dork: Hi, I'm a twenty-something person playing an 11th grader. Either the casting director made a mistake or I'm a subtle message about how our public school education system is so poor that today's twenty-somethings have the reading capabilities of a high-school student. By the way, I think I hold some sort of plot device that I'm trying to sell on eBay. And I think that 11th grader girl with the body and boobs of a twenty-something is cute. And like many teenagers in 11th grade, I'm obsessed about getting a car, the American symbol of independence, masculinity, and sex appeal.

Car Dealer: You're getting this yellow Camaro because it's the only one available in the lot that isn't damaged. And it also bears this cool-looking Autobot insignia on the steering wheel.

Movie C

Secretary of Defense: The attack on "Movie A" looks like an attempted hack on our military. It could be Russians, Middle Easterns, Asians, or any other continent. It's hard to see why any foreign nation would want to attack the United States. We can't be hated that much. Now set forth the computer nerds... I mean experts, to trace the signal.

Movie A

Soldier One: All survivors of the attack, follow me to find a pay phone. All the technology in the US military and we can't find a cell phone that gets decent reception here. Stupid Cingular.

Scorponok: Peek-A-Boo! I kill a random one of you! (Kills soldier)

Soldier Two, who by now is confirmed NOT to be Cuba Gooding Jr.: OH MY GOD, that scorpion robot killed Kenny! You bastard! Wait a minute, that's like the first time a black guy like me was not the first one killed by the homicidal entity. I should celebrate.

Soldier One: Celebrate after we live through this!

Movie B

Teenage Dork: I have a new car. Now to chase after the girl of my dreams eye-candy.

Girl of His Dreams: Interesting car.

Teenage Dork: Holy crap, I didn't know she could talk! She really is more than meets the eye!

Audience: GROAN. That classic line works for a Transformers toy tag line, but not as a pick up line.

Yellow Camaro: I know I could save the world and maybe transform to get some cheap applause from the audience, who so far has applauded every robot transformation. But instead of making a giant action flick with giant robots, I want to be the next Herbie movie so I'm going to help this dork win the girl of his dreams through misguided comedic effects using my radio and occasional poor engine performance.

Audience: What the hell are you thinking, Michael Bay? Oh well, at least it's funny.

Introducing Movie D: Air Force One

CD Player: Hi, I was supposed to be Soundwave, one of the most recognizable robots in the Transformers universe. But Michael Bay decided not to use Soundwave since no one knows what a tape deck is anymore. So now I'm Frenzy, an insane CD player and hacker who probably snorted too much cocaine. I know that in order to be more in tune with today's youth and technology, I should really be an iPod or the giant sound system dock for an iPod, but I guess Michael Bay couldn't get Apple to pay for the obvious advertising tie-in so now I'm still stuck as a piece of 20th century technology.

I hope I don't do something stupid during my insanity and accidentally cut my own head off. Now watch me as I perform my 733t hacking, kill some secret service agents, and allow the audience to see our President crave some Ding-Dongs.

Movie B

Yellow Camaro: Time to advance the plot and maybe include some TRANSFORMERS in this movie.

Teenage Dork: My car just stole itself!

Movie C

Computer Experts: Don't mind us, we're trying to advance the plot but are doing a terrible job. We're not sure what the robots are looking for, why they're looking for it, and how they know to look for it through us. Pretty big plot hole, don't you think?

Movie B

Police interrogator: Hey, Teenage Dork. I'm going to put you through a surreal interrogation for many laughs yet offer no advancement to the plot.

Movie A

Soldier One: No plot is advancing here, but at least we're having a great battle against this scorpion robot.

(Gunfire, rockets firing, air strikes)

Injured Scorponok: Screw you guys, I'm going home. (Retreats)

Movie C

Blond Computer Expert: Damn it, this code is too complex for a Pentagon computer expert with perfect hair and fake boobs like me. I need to find me an overweight computer nerd obsessed with video games, technological crap, and is still living with his parents to help.

Computer Nerd, after five minutes of working on the code: I deciphered it!

FBI: Time for some police action that still lacks any transforming robots.

Movie D

Frenzy: That was fun. Now to find my buddy the corrupt police car. I might have advanced the plot slightly through my subtitled dialog.

Movie B

Yellow Camaro: Time to scare the hell out of my teenage dork of an owner.

Teenage Dork: CRAP! My own car is chasing me!

Corrupt Police Car: "To Punish And Enslave."

Teenage Dork: CRAP! A corrupt police car is chasing me!

Corrupt Police Car: Do you have a lame eBay account name?

Teenage Dork: Yes.

Corrupt Police Car: Where is the plot device you're trying to sell?

Teenage Dork: Huh?

Audience: Huh?

Yellow Camaro: (Attacks Corrupt Police Car)

(Grand battle involving cars transforming into robots commences.)

Audience: FINALLY!

Frenzy: No man can kill an insane CD player like me!

Girl of Dork's Dream: I'm not a man!

Frenzy: Luckily, I have a second transformation planned.

Girl of Dork's Dream and Teenage Dork: Great, a car that transforms into a robot. Now I've seen everything.

Yellow Camaro: I guess I better bring in more robots to keep the audience's attention. But how should they land?

(Autobots land Armageddon meteor shower style. Much rejoicing commences.)

Optimus Prime: Time for me to make my plot-advancing speech. OK, in this movie, we have a plot device similar to Unicron from 1986 but smaller and less impressive.

Audience: OH MY GOD! It's the same voice as the classic first generation cartoon! SWOON!

Tom: Optimus Prime is voiced by Eeyore. Does that mean Bumblebee the Yellow Camaro is Winnie the Pooh?

Later in Movie B

Teenage Dork: Hide while I locate the plot device.

Autobots: Time to engage in some careful stealth maneuvers. Unfortunately, given our size and knowledge of human surroundings, we're as stealthy as bulls in a china shop wearing orange pants and green vests. Nevertheless, Teenage Dork's parents seem to have the eyes of a dead chipmunk and the ears of a rock.

Teenage Dork: I found the plot!

FBI-like Suits: FREEZE, Dork! I'm from Sector 7, better known here as "Movie E." We need to talk.

Movie E

Sector 7: I'm going to cause some superficial romance drama between the Teenage Dork and the Girl of his dreams. It's a compelling way to show the characters being vulnerable.

Audience: BUT WE'RE HERE TO SEE TRANSFORMING ROBOTS FIGHTING!!!

Sector 7: Oh fine. Now watch me get embarrassed before ripping off a movie from Spielberg.

Bumblebee: Help! I've been turned into E.T. and captured by guys with fire extinguishers! Save me, Billy!

Teenage Dork: My name's Sam, not Billy! Tom finally remembered my name after typing up so much of this script.

Movie C

Secretary of Defense: Holy crap, my boss is as stupid as President Bush 2.0. But we won't know how well this running gag will fare after the 2008 elections.

Movie E

Sector 7: Now that I've established the main plot and identified my Sector as a giant refrigeration unit keeping a main character and one plot device REALLY cold, I think it's time to combine all of the movies into one. So get over here, everyone!

Movie A Soldiers: I wanna shoot more bad guy robots... where ever they are.

Movie D Villains: Hey, Frenzy here. It's time to rally the troops to the plot.

Audience: IT'S ABOUT TIME!

Movie B Autobots: Follow that plot! And watch us drift like the Initial D cars we are!

Movie C: Do you really need us now? We were so terrible at advancing the plot earlier.

Sam the Teenage Dork: So what does the plot device do?

Sector 7: It makes machines come to life. Like this phone.

(Phone comes to life and fires missiles, machine guns, and other weapons in an attempt to escape)

Apple Inc: Call Mr. Jobs. I think we have an idea for additional features for the iPhone.

Sector 7: As I said earlier, we conveniently placed the frozen MAIN VILLAIN and the frozen DOOMSDAY PLOT DEVICE in the same building underground. As long as something simple doesn't happen like SABOTAGE resulting in a POWER OUTAGE, we'll be fine.

Starscream and Frenzy: It's a sabotage! (Blows up power generator and deactivates power generation)

Hmm, is it me or is this room getting warmer?

Megatron, the main villain: Hi.

Sector 7: Oh crap! Maybe if we could move the plot device, we can prevent disaster. Or at the very least, have a battle above-ground.

Megatron: And in this brief scene where I reunite with my fellow Decepticons, I barely brush the surface regarding minor things like CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT and PURPOSE of our MISSION. Older Transformers fans will be very angry about my limited interaction with Starscream. Newer Transformers fans might not even notice.

Frenzy: Time to go John Woo double pistol action on these humans.

Sector 7: Time to go shotgun and flamethrower on this coked up CD Player.

Autobots: Time to kill some Decepticons! Try not to injure any humans except during collateral damage, which we will not be held accountable for.

Large fight ensues that would make Pearl Harbor and Saving Private Ryan jealous if movies had feelings. A token black guy is killed fighting Megatron.

Teenage Dork: I've got the plot device. It accidentally brought a few machines to life and they started attacking people. Is this a message that humans are too dependent on machinery or that technology is inherently evil? I can't wax philosophically about this right now because there's a FREAKISHLY HUGE AND PISSED OFF MEGATRON chasing after me!

Megatron: Give me the device and I'll make you my pet. You can see that deep inside my metal body beats the heart of a puppy.

Sam: Yeah, the one you swallowed.

Megatron: Mr. Wiki. Hand me the device!

Sam: That's not my last name.

Megatron: Mr. Wikipedia, hand it over.

Sam: Still not correct.

Megatron: Mr. Wiki-wacky-woo-hoo, hand it over.

Sam: Still wrong.

Megatron: Damn it, what IS your last name for the sake of this dramatic dialog?

Sam:... I forgot. Just call me Anderson.

Megatron: Mr. Anderson, it ends here. Wait, wrong movie series where I play the main villain. Time for more mindless destruction through battle to appease the fans.

Sam: Time to end this mindless destruction. Overextended action sequences that wear out their welcome never fare well with movie critics.

Tom: Unfortunately, neither do lame sudden plot resolutions. You could have ended the epic fight better. But kudos for throwing in lines from the classic Transformers movie.

Surviving Autobots: Okay, we may have lost a few token minorities during the battle, but we have gained new allies and are set up for the sequel.

Sam: I guess making out followed by implied sex with the Girl of my Dreams would make a happy ending.

Girl of Dreams: Considering that we're making out on top of Bumblebee's hood, does that count as a three-way?

Sam: And all of these Autobots watching over the two of us. I'm having performance anxiety.

Tom: After the movie, I have a sudden urge to buy a few Transformers toys.

Transformers really lived up to its name. It transformed Michael Bay into a decent director. Now to see if he can keep it up come the summer of 2009 with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.