Midlife Crisis Assessment: Looking in Three Directions

We're all familiar with the notion-- guy gets to a certain age, buys a "chick magnet" sports car, changes his hairstyle, begins imagining himself appealing to young girls... or, equally nonsensical, his female counterpart. But is "midlife crisis" all about the negativity attached to the term-- in desperation to "reclaim" one's youth, attempting to acquire "trophy" partners and possessions, acting as if one were sixteen years old, essentially throwing away half of one's marbles-- or, for those who are a bit more level-headed, something much more important and even positive?

The age at which it hits is different for each individual; and the person's responses to it are equally individual. Many do not see reaching some certain age as a prompt to indiscriminately clutch habits and lifestyles which should have gone the way of 'when I was no longer a child, I put aside childish things,' but instead a case of assessing one's life-- almost automatically beginning to look at one's life in three different directions: past, present, future.

It may sound odd, but it seems there are two categories of people in midlife: the oddity being based on those who consistently brag about how old they are while at the same time "acting as if" they were caught in a state of perpetual adolescence; while on the opposite end of the spectrum who consider ourselves to be "age-neutral," that an age is not something to either wear with pride nor hide from, but that conducting oneself in a manner of maturity is the important factor.

For those in the second category, it's as if we are standing in the moment, assessing "where we are at now" in its relevance to both our pasts and futures. Dong this successfully means that if we see a large number of regrets in the years and decades prior to now, the point is not to waste time and effort whining and commiserating about the "what-if's" and the "if only's," but to actively begin to affect the changes necessary to ensure that our days and years ahead will not eventually also be seen in terms of regret.

Unfortunately, to outside observers who do not grasp this concept, implementing such changes may appear to be "midlife wigging out." It isn't. It's a matter of letting go of all the "shoulda's" and focusing on the potential and ability to not accumulate any more of them-- to not continue on the same path. For many, the "I wish I'd-" causes even more distress than all of the "I wish I hadn't done-" combined. Personal choices and circumstances beyond one's control both figure in to this state-- poor choices, uniformed decisions, obligation to one's family, etc., lead people in their twenties and thirties to do things they would have preferred to not do, and to set aside and "put on-hold" things they very much wanted to do. But when these factors have resulted in midlife looking at such things as career preferences, higher education, relationships, hobbies and personal interests, in such terms, the common sense way of looking at it is "what should I do now"-- so that what was set aside in youth does not take over the rest of our lives with bitterness, emptiness and regret.

In midlife, as at any other point in time, some things are simply unrealistic. In general, it is less a matter of one's age than how realistic one's wishes, dreams and goals may or may not be. As a teen, you may have fervently dreamed of becoming a movie star-- but for most people it is as equally unrealistic at forty-five as it was at fifteen. However, for folks with a more practical nature, the wishes and dreams and goals of one's youth should not be dismissed as unrealistic simply because those things were not constructed at a young age-- much of what one set aside in favor of family responsibilities or even taking wrong turns in life can be attained regardless of whether one is now middle-aged. One of the biggest obstacles to first realizing and then putting this into action is concern that the other people in one's life may view it all in a very negative manner. These days it is becoming increasingly popular for people to write a "To Do" list-- "Things I Want To Do Before I Die." Some items on the list may be impossible, some may be frivolous, some may be realistic and attainable; but the concept always puts me in mind of the elderly relative who made such a "list" when he was around eighty years old-- although he managed to do those things during the following ten years, it's almost incomprehensible that he waited until that age to determine what meant the most to him.

It does not have to be so extreme. If you take a clear, long look at where you've been, where you're currently at, it should not be difficult to decide where you want to go-- what's realistic and what is not; what goals and wishes mean the most to you; and what potential you yourself possess to attain them. Those who fall into the flashy sports car and trophy-partners trap are missing the entire point-- the point being to ask yourself "What do you want to do with the rest of your life?" and taking the steps necessary to follow through with it.