Mike Huckabee Loses Jesus' Confidence

January 29, 2008, Boca Raton, FL. Mike Huckabee blames himself for losing Jesus' confidence. After a rather dismal showing in Florida's Primary, coming far behind John McCain and Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee stated that he believes he has lost Jesus' confidence. "It was not too long ago Jesus said that god has chosen me to be the next president, and he was going to by my running mate. It now looks like he's left me when I need him most."

The mood on the Huckabee campaign is definitely a lot different from the jovial atmosphere nearly a month ago when he took the Iowa caucuses by storm. Mike doesn't blame Jesus though. Asked why Jesus has dumped Mike, he states: "I think I hadn't gone far enough in promoting god's will. I need to follow the bible stricter." [sic] "There is also that incident in South Carolina where I mistakenly picked up a midget hooker."

Huckabee was spotted at a McDonalds outside the Super Christian Real Science Creationism Museum at the nearby McDonalds, drowning his sorrows with 3 Big Macs, 2 Happy meals and a large Mountain Dew. He was sobbing in his French Fries, repeating the words "It's all over now."

According to Ed Rollins, Huckabee's campaign manager, the strategy is now to focus on the southern states and have full faith in god's plan. "In addition to focusing on the southern states, Mike will go to a camp where he can become a born again virgin. This will please Jesus and may persuade him to come back to the Huckabee campaign." Said Rollins. "If that doesn't work, we're going to sponsor children's programs, such as 'pray the gay away' and he will be heavily involved with book burning and stoning evil scientists." Rollins hopes this will not only captivate the major evangelical vote, but will also please god a great deal.

Huckabee now finds himself fighting for a third place finish in the Florida primary with former New York governor Rudy Guiliani. Asked what Guiliani thought of fighting for third place in Florida, he only said: "9/11."