Milk Prices on the Rise - Those Evil Cows

With the recent news that milk prices could rise to $5.00 per gallon by the end of summer, many people feeling inflationary pressures on their wallets have said enough is enough. Since government is now responsible for solving society's ills, I fully expect a congressional hearing on rising milk prices any day. "Got Milk" ads will soon be stripped from magazines. Captain Crunch will appear on CNN lamenting the rise in milk prices is killing demand for his product.

"Eat More Chicken"
Believe it or not, there is a correlation between rising gas and milk prices. No, I am not referring to the increased transportation costs felt by dairy farmers trying to get their product to market. And no, I am not referring to the similar refinement/pasteurization processes required to get both products from their natural state to a consumable product. It's all about emissions.

You see, gasoline has shared much of the blame for our current state of crisis as it relates to global temperatures. The government has even gone so far as to add a tax on gasoline in an effort to curb our spending. Oil companies have been demonized for, heaven forbid, making a profit by running their companies. And even though the margin of profit an oil company takes on a gallon of gas is less than the amount of taxes the government collects, oil company executives have been called on the carpet to explain their "greed" to government officials.

M.P.G/F.P.G. Standards
In reality, cows and their "emissions" are more likely causing the dismantling of the precious ozone layer than gasoline. Just as consumers are paying more at the pump, they will now start paying more at the utter. This is what we do as a society - we find someone successful in their endeavor and immediately attempt to punish them in the name of environmental or anti-monopolistic principles. This punishment usually comes in the form of regulations requiring more competition, less profit taking, or increased restrictions on product marketing, labeling, etc.

I would like to propose a solution to the problem of rising milk prices based loosely on the recent fuel efficiency requirements put in place by our government for new automobiles. Effectively immediately, cows must comply with certain F.P.G. (flatulence per gallon) standards. For each gallon of milk produced a cow must stay under 10 episodes of flatulence. No exceptions will be made for larger, more powerful bovine, as they must also control their emissions to comply with the F.P.G. standards. Any dairy farmer owning non-complying cattle will be forced to pay stiff fines for excess flatulence. Those fines will be passed along to consumers, who will in turn demand milk from lower-flatulence cows at a lower price. With low-emission cows in hot demand think of the greenhouse gas reductions!

As impractical as all this sounds, it is not that much different than the government's current approach to solving rising gas prices. Hopefully, it will serve as a reminder that in a capitalist society leaning on government intervention to solve economic challenges is "utterly" ridiculous - pun intended.