'Millionaire Matchmaker' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap

I guess the bright side is getting paid to waste your time...

Just when I thought I was free of this albatross of a show after last week's Manzo Meatmarket, I am now forced to write about this horrible show forever and always, because you guys made it one of the most read things on Reality Zen. Damn you all to hell!

So let's just get this over with...

This week on Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti has to set up an alcoholic and a gay misanthrope. Because it's her job to save New York...they begged her to come and hook up all of the people that shouldn't be dating for a reason. Jason needs a sponsor, not a date. And David needs a therapist and a sandwich before he should enter a relationship. Maybe some pants too, because he sure loves him some Bermuda walking shorts in bright colors!

This is the Creme de la Creme of NYC, people. The line forms over there if you're interested.

So Patti goes and visits our Millionaires with her rolodex of stereotypes, penis phrases, and criticisms, and sets up camp with each of the guys. Where we hear the obvious things we figured out about them in 15 seconds, but Patti is an 'expert' and we all have to have it confirmed by her. The wise one.

Jason is a drunk party boy that needs to not feed his date to the proverbial frat boy wolves...and David needs to lower his standards.

Patti rips a page out of the Tyra Banks Playbook for Cheap TV and decides that if she makes David 'ugly' he'll realize he needs to lower his standards. Only instead of making him look 'ugly' she made him look contagious with Bubonic Plague. Women ran and sought shelter, children shrieked, men wept, because poor David looked like something out of a medical text from the 1500's.

Now it's time for Patti to whittle down the talent and call people 'ugly' flocked by Eddie Munster and Morticia Addams. Yes. I know. It boggles the mind...it does. It's ok for Patti to be 67 years old and wear Daisy Dukes and half a tube of lipgloss...but don't you dare come in with curly hair...or God forbid...be a Pilates instructor! Gasp! The Horror!

So the mixer happens...whatever..the dates are chosen, and we get to see this plane full of irony crash and burn into the Atlantic Ocean in a ball of flames and regret. David had a nice Hobbit he bored to death. And Jason got someone we were told looked like Kim Kardashian...but...um...no.

Both dates were disasters. Patti loses for the third episode in a row. Oh she got all crazy pants on Jason the drunk, you know, like all classy women of business do. Now I would call her an [insert jewish crazy lady stereotype here] like she seems to think is ok to call my beloved Eye-talians...but I won't because I want to be always two steps above Patti on the horrible person food chain.

That's enough for this week. How many more episodes of this garbage are left? NINE?! Somebody kill me...