Milo Minderbinder, Please Shake Hands with the 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists

Yossarian strips himself naked in an attempt to remove the stain of Snowden's blood from his body, unable to reconcile yet one more unnecessary death. He did all he could to save the man from his inevitable demise, but in the end Yossarian was racked with guilt because it was he who ordered the second run over the bombing site. How can he explain to Snowden's loved ones that their son was taken out by flak ripping through the supposedly safe harbor of an American bomber?

Lieutenant Mudd (the dead man in Yossarian's tent) had just arrived - he hadn't even had time to unpack his bags. Usually an airman of the 265th Squadron gets to enjoy basking under the Italian sun at least for a little while when they land in Pianosa.

Miles away in Dresden, Billy Pilgrim hunkers down in Slaughterhouse-Five, and in an entirely separate world and decade, the doors in the belly of a plane are forced opened by Major T.J. "King" Kong so that The Bomb can make contact with its target inside Russia.

Everyone, it seems, is connected like Kevin Bacon in Six Degrees of Separation.

Back in WWII, Yossarian finds himself facing his own mortality once again. Doc Daneeka has asked him to take on the identity of a dead airman so that his family, who has just arrived under the false assumption that their progeny is still barely alive, will be able to be by their son's bedside at his inevitable passing.

All the while, entranced by the all-mighty dollar, Lieutenant Milo Minderbinder has attempted to feed his fellow airmen chocolate-covered cotton because the market has been saturated and M&M Enterprises needs to find a way to recover from its net loss after cornering the market on Egyptian cotton.

To save himself from bankruptcy, Milo forms an International Syndicate with members of the Allied nations and the German government. He has bargained with the German military to air-bomb his own troops so that, after a muddling through a convoluted quid pro quo, the 265th Squadron (aka Lieutenant Minderbinder) will actually capitalize from the maneuver. The inevitable loss of life and plummeting morale will just have to be written off as unfortunate, but necessary, collateral damage.

Milo Minderbinder is to Conspiracy Theorists what President George W. is to Merriam Webster: they both make them necessary.

We all know, without really knowing it, that the secret underground tunnels of the White House are filled with offices of unnamed politicos who are kept from interacting with the public at large. They are strangers to us, just as we are strangers to them. Voting and the idea of a Republic were put into place by men who belonged to the secret Masonic society, and since that time, our Democracy has never seen the light of day.

We are placated by the idea that we have the ultimate control in our Government, but in reality it is the behind-the-scenes workings of these unsung heroes who have allowed America to win, decades in a row, the gold medal of the World's Behemoth.

Thank God the Conspiracy Theorists have stepped forward to defy the powers that be so that we, the American public, can finally learn who really is in charge of our fine land.

The dust hadn't even settled in New York, Pennsylvania, and DC, when the Conspiracy Theorists called an emergency meeting to muddle through the facts of which only they apparently had a true understanding. Finally they released their version of a White Paper to an American public holding our breaths and searching for answers, the bereaved be damned.

The incompetence of the FBI and the CIA, and the inability of NORAD to communicate with the men and women of the FAA in the air-control towers has been highlighted by the Whitehouse - we don't need the CT's to rehash any of that. We have a thorough understanding that a lot of significant info fell through the cracks.

However, what we do need the Conspiracy Theorists for is to actually let us in on whose court the ball was actually in when all of this went down. I mean, incompetence is one thing - an open invitation is an entirely different animal.

Giuliani, Big George, Little George, and the rest of the Whitehouse upper echelon…everyone knew what was coming. They needed a way to unite the American people, to direct our anger to the Middle East, to give us reason to vote the Party Line and ok everything without reading the fine print.

They needed a blitzkrieg.

We wanted blood.

It breaks down as follows:

1)Shanksville, Pennsylvania

Cell phones don't work at the cruising altitude of a jetliner (if they did, why would airline companies go to the expense of installing air phones?) so it was impossible that any calls were made from Flight 93; the passengers speaking on the phones and leaving messages to their respective loved ones didn't sound frightened enough, leaving us to wonder if the whole takeover wasn't staged; an unidentified plane then landed in some remote location where passengers were shuttled away to somewhere unknown in order to be disposed of; and, most importantly, no bodies, human remains, or even large pieces of wreckage were recovered at the crash sight which means that the scrap metal that was found was simply part of an empty shell dropped from the sky as a decoy.

2)Washington, D.C.

There is no way that the hole in the Pentagon could have been made by a Boeing 757 - the wingspan alone would've sheared through the entire side of the building leaving its mark instead of just a simple, cylindrical hole sixteen (16) feet in diameter; and there isn't enough wreckage to sustain the claim that a plane could've so expertly hit that exact spot without continuing through to the other side; if Flight 77 incinerated on impact, how were coroners able to identify 184 out of 189 bodies? It had to have been a missile. The Pentagon is a reinforced concrete building - if someone is claiming there was incineration on impact, then how could big pieces of wreckage have been found? And of course there is the sticky question of the Department of Defense document Cheney signed in June of 2001 authorizing a standing "shoot down" order if there was a recognizable threat to the Whitehouse and surrounding areas. Our fighter jets could've downed Flight 77 if it was there.

3)New York, New York

The impacts of Flights 11 and 175 did not reach the melting point necessary to damage the steel beams of the World Trade Centers; if the steel from these buildings did soften or melt, it was because of strategically placed incendiary devices put in place in the days before by shady looking workmen who had well-forged passes giving them access to all areas of the buildings; if the buildings did fall from the impact of the jetliners, they would've fallen over, not into themselves: the way they fell was evidence of an inside demolition job - implosions if you will. Witnesses actually claim to have heard explosions coming from the bottom areas of the buildings! And how did Building 7 get mixed up in all of this? It would be one thing if a building or debris fell on top of it - but no. Just Building 7, and only Building 7, is affected by the Twin Tower attacks? Why didn't Building 5 - which is closer to the Towers - have the same fate?

There isn't enough time or ink in my typewriter to go through all of the possible ways The Man could have orchestrated such a refined attack on 9-1-1. Milo Minderbinder was proud of his guile. I suppose the rest of us not living out our lives in the open and shut fantasy worlds of novels and movies are just going to have to wait for a deathbed confession to finally learn the truth.

The Conspiracy Theorists have definitely won me over. There is simply no way that our government could have come as far as it has without making deals left and right in crisis situations like the Bay of Pigs or the arms-for-hostages bargain of the Iran-Contra Affair.

Of course my vote on Tuesday really didn't count - we all knew (without really knowing) that the Democrats would've at least won the House…if not, the public outcry might've been too distracting for the underground politicos to get the real work done.

I guess the only way to wrestle back control of our government, and to finally uncover all the answers that we have been so desperately pining for, is to infiltrate the Whitehouse with as many CT's as possible.

Why haven't they formed their own political party? Perhaps it could be called the M&M Party in reverence of the great Lieutenant who was able to bring it all together in the name of Mom, Baseball, and Apple Pie. (And money, of course.)

As it stands, we live in a world governed by a two-party system, so getting any party to replace either the Asses or Elephants would be a formidable task.

The CT's are smart cookies - they already know all of this.

My question is then, why aren't any of them running for office under the guise of one of the two parties?

Or are they?