Milwaukee Wins Award for Worst City of the Year

Look out 2008! Moments after announcing that it has soundly defeated all other American cities battling for the distinction of the country's worst city, a drunken Milwaukee already issued a warning to next year's opponents.

"I got-r-done dis year in three months," shouted the city, "who's gonna stop me in '08?" A terribly obese crowd, most of whom were adorned in Brett Favre jerseys, cheered wildy at Milwaukee's remarks as giant speakers blasted an impressive assortment of '80s hair band music.

"We're so excited dat he won," slurred 36-year-old Donna Wicznewski, long-time Milwaukee resident and self-proclaimed lover of all things beer. "To claim back-to-back titles is really amazing! It beats the hell outta our sports teams. I mean, this year we're honoring the 1982 Brewers. They were a great team, but come on. They didn't even win the series. Who still honors a team 25 years after it lost the World Series. We really needed the city to suck this year."

The city came through for his residents. After posting an amazing string of sub-zero days in the first couple months to put it far ahead of other cities in the crappy weather category, Milwaukee faltered, allowing some beautiful spring days to sneak in during March. "I was a little concerned there in March," admitted Milwaukee, "but I screwed everyone after that 80-degree day. I think that cemented the victory." Indeed, Milwaukee residents are still suffering from cold gray days and snow flurries that depressed many of the city's Easter celebrations.

Weather might have sealed the win, but it is no secret that Milwaukee's strength this year came from his terrible roads. "Even though I won the overall competition last year, I placed third in the roads category. I knew I could do better. This year I had my road crews repair potholes and stuff in the rain and sleet. Once that ice gets in the new asphalt, it just busts it up. Motorists had no chance."

"I've never seen anything like them," said Chicago, who finished a disappointing third due largely to the recent successes of his White Sox and Bears. "I mean, I have (expletive) bad roads, but that's been my thing. This year, though, man. Milwaukee really blinsided me with how awful his roads were."

"Don't forget our music," says Brad Kusbon, a 40-year-old sales assistant who loves to sing karaoke. "Most people overlook that five of our eight major radio stations play the same six top 40 songs all day, every day. It's something to consider, 'cuz it scores big with the judges. If you love Nickelback and The Fray and that awesome song by Snow Patrol, then you'll love him (Milwaukee). It's all you hear. But most people think those bands suck, and the judges know that." Milwaukee's other radio stations are firmly rooted in "classic" rock from the '80s and '90s.

Perhaps the top reason that Milwaukee beat Des Moines for the title this year, according to judge Martin Crowley, was the cost of living. "Iowa cities will always be perennial contenders simply because Iowa just sucks," said the judge in a phone interview on Monday. "Milwaukee sucks and it's incredibly expensive. The housing market and property taxes are really outrageous for a city that is boring, looks like (expletive), smells like (expletive), and whose people are all at least 300 pounds. Is that a requirement to live there? Do you have to be morbidly obese?"

Milwaukee's mayor could not be reached for comment, mostly because no one really knew what his name is. Wisconsin governor, Jim Doyle, who made a name for himself after becoming the only certified mentally-retarded person to win re-election to office, said he was happy for Milwaukee. Actually, his press secretary, Rita Weimer made the comment because Doyle had "recently soiled himself while attempting make his own grilled-cheese sandwich.

"Few people understand what a powerhouse of horrible living factors I have assembled here," raved Milwaukee while waiting for his grease-choked order of fried cod and potato pancakes at a local eatery. "I'll be a force for years to come. It really hurt to fall out of the top 20 most populated American cities, but this helps. If I can just keep the sensless violence going in the inner city, the inadequte public schooling, the crappy sports teams, the bad weather, the music, the roads, the fat people...God, I could be my own dynasty. I feel like celebrating. This is the only time of the year that I wished I provided more entertainment than just (expletive)-hole, over-priced bars."

No one said being a champion was ever easy.