Mind Out of Control

I used to have a bookmark that said "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." For the longest time I thought it was the funniest thing. It no longer seems funny to me. More like a warning of what was to come. I've recently came to the conclusion that the mind is the glue that holds all our parts together. By parts I mean we as individuals are a spiritual being sharing space with a physical being with an emotional aspect thrown in that seems to run separate from all the rest of us at times, but mostly it works with us. I've been sick with chronic health problems for years and years. It's a pain in the butt at times and inconvenient most times, but I still felt like me. I might have felt out of sorts at times, but I still knew it was me having the experience. I've been mad at God and pushed my spiritual being out of life. I felt lonely without my spiritual being here with me, but I was still me. I've had plenty of emotional dramas. Furious about being sick all the time (by the way don't ask if "I am sick again" - I never stopped being sick, so hearing the word "again" has gotten annoying to say the least), I've really gotten depressed and angry (at the doctors, the medical community in general, myself, and God), but I've always been me. I have great moments where everything is wonderful and I feel like I am more than this body, but I still at the core knew who I was. I have reconnected to my spiritual path, but then I lost control of my mind.
I wasn't me anymore. I was some scared confused entity that pushed the real me out. I didn't know how to be me. Thanks to a biochemical imbalance, I am occasionally unable to think clearly, unable to come up with the right words, unable to write anything that makes sense, and I don't understand at those times cause and effect. Without my mind, I am unable to meditate. If I had been asked before this experience, I would have been convinced I would still be able to meditate, after all the most important part is to empty your mind of thoughts. It is also the hardest part. Apparently, emptying your mind for meditation doesn't mean losing control of it. Without that control, there is no guidance to meditate. During these times my emotions run wild; I'm mostly depressed, angry, and frighten which leads to tears. Fear controls the being that was me, because my mind isn't in charge anymore. As I write this I realize there is another saying for when someone is losing control of themselves. I'm sure you have heard of it: "He/she is coming unglued."
It is true for me; my mind is the glue that keeps me together. I can still be me without my health. I feel disconnected to the universe and God when I let go of my spiritual side, but I am still me. A bitter me, but me. I can be on a wild roller coaster ride of emotions, but I'm still there. I'm just letting my inner petulant child have free rein. Having an experience that feels like the onset of Alzheimer's isn't me. I'm not home anymore during those episodes. When my brain misfires I feel I've lost my way home, even worst than that I'm not sure what a home is, much less where I went or how to get back. What I miss most when I lose my mind is me; the real me that knows what's going on.
That bookmark wasn't being funny after all, it was stating a fact, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."