Minimizing the Impact of Marital Conflict on Kids

Research done by E. Mark Cummings, co-author of "Marital Conflict and Children" found that babies as young as six months old are impacted by parental conflict. Even if parents attempt to hide conflict from their children, children do pick up on it and feel insecure if it's not dealt with properly.

Conflict is unavoidable in any close relationship, particularly marriage. Therefore, the question is not how to avoid conflict in a marriage, but rather how to handle marital conflict in a way that minimizes damage to the children.

Here are a few tips for raising secure children in the midst of marital conflict.

Provide Reassurance to Children After Marital Conflict

Children don't need to know all the dirty details behind marital conflict, but they do need to see that mom and dad have worked out the problem. Reassurance can come through seeing the parents express love and affection to each other after the conflict and through hearing parents apologize.

Don't be afraid to talk with children about the fact that conflict does occur in the marriage and that conflict is a normal part of any relationship.

If you have more than one child, you can talk to them about the fights they sometimes have with each other, and that even though they fight, they still love each other. Such an example is something they can relate to and can reassure them that conflict doesn't mean a lack of love for the other person.

Provide Children With Examples of Healthy Conflict Resolution

When conflict is minor, such as irritation over something like the trash not being taken out, it makes a lot of sense to immediately apologize in front of the children. Not only does such an apology reassure the child that everything is okay between the parents, it also provides the child with a positive example of how to deal with conflict in relationships.

It's possible to teach children about conflict resolution on a deeper level when tempers are not flaring. Don't be afraid to negotiate in a healthy manner in front of children. For instance, when working out a budget, there is often a difference of opinion between husband and wife on how to spend money. Calmly discussing difference of opinion in front of the children and demonstrating a willingness to find workable solutions that benefit everyone teach children healthy problem solving skills.

Parents who work conflict out in front of their children raise kids with better conflict management skills who also feel secure in the fact that mom and dad work together as a team, even when they don't agree.

Nurture Your Marriage

I once had a friend with a large backyard garden tell me that spending just a few minutes a day on the garden watering and pulling weeds, kept the garden in good shape. He only got into trouble with weeds, pests, and dying plants when he failed to consistently spend those short bits of time nurturing his garden.

Marriages are the same way. Consistent investment in the marriage keeps the marriage healthy and reduces the amount of conflict, and keeps conflict from growing to epic proportions.

It pays to get marriage counseling sooner rather than later, if conflict is a constant problem, or if there seems to be a lack of love and passion in the relationship.

Intentionality in things like date nights, talking through problems, and doing fun things together help create a positive marriage that can better weather the storms that occur in any relationship.

Conflict will happen in your marriage, but if you seek to work it out in a healthy manner, and if you consistently invest in the relationship, your children will feel secure and know that mom and dad will both be there for them when needed.

References:

Marital Conflict and Children's Adjustment: A Cognitive and Contextual Framework

Should You Argue in Front of Your Kids?