Minimizing the Sibling Rivalry Between Your Children

Sibling rivalry is very common and not always harmful. It becomes harmful only when it is chronic and intense. A certain amount of rivalry seems unavoidable in any family.

Sibling rivalry serves an important purpose in the natural development of a child's personality. As your children develop a sense of self, a separate identity, they will gradually establish personal boundaries. These boundaries include attitudes toward possession and entitlement. As children learn to say "Mine" and "I want that crayon," they are expressing a sense of possession and entitlement. They are also opening themselves up to conflict with their siblings, of course. This conflict need not be seen as harmful. Instead, it can be seen as creative tension between siblings, offering them an opportunity to learn about sharing, cooperation and conflict resolution. Without this kind of opportunity for very practical learning, children will be an easy mark for exploitation by their peers.

The best thing to do is let them work out their conflicts with minimal interference from you. Occasionally you may want to give them guidance or suggestions on how they may resolve their own conflicts. Carefully avoid the temptation to resolve all of their conflicts for them, however. If you yield to this temptation, they will learn nothing about resolving their own conflicts. Instead, they will be learning to manipulate you and others into intervening on their behalf.

Some parents mistakenly overvalue peace and harmony in the family. If you expect too much from your children - that they are always kind, gentle and considerate of one another - they may become very discouraged and may feel inadequate or defective because of their natural tendency toward rivalry. If you insist that they always get along harmoniously and never fight over their toys, you may be applying too much pressure, especially if they are pre school age.

If your children's fighting seems constant or overly aggressive, if you are really concerned that they will hurt one another, your concern may well be justified. This kind of rivalry may be more psychologically or even physically harmful. Rivalry that is very hostile and physically aggressive is often a sign of more serious underlying problems. Perhaps there is underlying conflict or tension in your family. You and your partner may be overly aggressive and hostile in your relationship toward each other. If so, these problems need to be corrected before the overly aggressive sibling rivalry can be resolved.

Society will do more than enough to stimulate the spirit of competition in your children without your help. Peers, siblings, relatives, teachers, coaches and other adults all encourage competition. It will be far better for your children if you foster a spirit of cooperation within the family. The more they learn from you about cooperation, conflict resolution, creative problem solving and dispute mediation; the better equipped they will be to handle difficulties that come up in all relationships.