Misadventures in Cooking: How NOT to Make an Omelet

I will be the first to admit that I am a pretty lousy cook. If it comes in a box, can, or other form of packaging, I can usually follow the directions well enough. But if you ask me to make something from scratch, well, get your carry out menus ready, because it will probably come out nothing like planned.

Take, for example, omelets. I love eating omelets, so long as someone else is cooking them. For the life of me, I can never manage to make an omelet of my own. I have read the directions in my cookbook, I watched my ex-boyfriend make them once or twice, but when I try to make my own, it ends up being a strange sort of scrambled eggs. Edible, but not exactly what I was hoping for. But when it comes down to it, it's pretty darn tasty. So if you want to make a non-omelet, here's how I do it.

1) Get your ingredients together. In my case, that's two eggs, a splash of milk, a bit of garlic salt, cheese, and any additional things you want to add. My latest attempt involved about 1/3 of a large green bell pepper and mixed shredded cheese, which was cheddar and several other cheeses mixed together. Pretty much any vegetables or pre-cooked meats will work just fine here, and I suppose you could try fruit if you're really brave. The exact cheese doesn't matter either. Just go with what you like.

2) Spray the skillet with some sort of non-stick spray, and put it on the stove, on high. I am the queen of impatience, so if I'm cooking food, it better get done quickly. Probably not the best way to go about making an omelet. Whatever temperature you decide to start with, you want to get the skillet hot before you start cooking the eggs, as the hot skillet is part of what makes this such a quick disaster... I mean recipe.

3) Mix the eggs, milk, and garlic salt. I say a splash of milk because it really isn't any solid measurement. Measuring stuff makes more dirty dishes. I probably use a tablespoon or two. And the bit of garlic salt is a personal preference, thanks to the ex-boyfriend who tried to teach me how to cook. It's a little more exciting than regular salt. But season it how you like it - salt, pepper, whatever.

4) Pour that whole mess into the skillet. You may be tempted to do something more than that, but remember that this is the peak of culinary negligence. Don't go too far, but just pour it and walk away. For a minute, tops. Rinse out a dish, find a plate to use, or stare out the window. It won't take long before you realize that something is going on.

5) Look at the skillet, and realize that it might be working this time! Stare in shock and amazement at the fact that the eggs seem to be cooking in a nice flat layer.

6) Now it's time to go and screw the whole thing up. Inevitably, not all of the eggs will be cooking, so you'll have to try to lift the edges of the omelet to allow the parts that haven't cooked to get to the surface of the skillet. Unfortunately, this is much easier said than done. Again, the impatience will kick in, and you'll think to yourself "hey, why don't I try to flip the omelet like a pancake? It will totally work!" In this case, go against the world's better judgment and do it. You will end up with a mess of eggs, which are no longer in a nice flat layer.

7) This is when you give up, and decide that scrambled eggs sounded better anyway. Chop up the former omelet with your spatula, turning it into slightly overcooked scrambled eggs. Then grab a handful of cheese, whatever else you're adding, throw it all into the skillet, and mix it around until the cheese is melted.

Voila! You have a non-omelet! I add a little bit of habenero sauce to mine (again, thanks to the ex-boyfriend), and occasionally a bit more cheese, and I'm done. From start to finish, it probably only took about 5 minutes, which is just about the extent of my willingness to spend attempting to cook something.