Miserable and Loving it ! Hating My Sobriety and Loving My Addictions

Some of the best and worst times of my life were when I loved to hate myself. I was probably one of the most self destructive people you would have met with a need to help everyone but myself because of course I didn't have a problem.I can stop whenever I wanted to! Sound familiar thats because you have probably heard it said by others who have addictions but don't accept that they have a problem. I used to say that I would never let myself get hooked and that I would never let it take control of me. News flash if you find yourself saying these things you have a problem! You are an addict of some sort. I used to think that if I did good things for other people that it would make up for the wrong I was doing to myself, just so you know it doesn't. There are so many things that I could tell you to justify my addictions but why bother all I would be doing is making excuses for myself. I don't need justify my actions to anyone except myself. Forgiveness is something that I need to ask and have of myself before I can ask it of others because I am the first one that I hurt. You must be at peace with yourself and understand yourself before you can ask others to.

Today I am drug free it has been a few years. It's an insult almost to say that I hate it but it's true I would be a hypocrite if I didn't. Anyone who says that they love every moment of it is lying. Being sober means taking responsibility for your life and choices and owning up to them. Never having something to numb you again when you have had enough with life and feel like you don't want to be a part of it anymore. If you have never used drugs you will probably never understand what it is that I am talking about but for those of you who have well then you can. I loved being so far gone that nothing that anyone said or did would bother me. Always hoping that maybe I just would go into a long peaceful sleep and not wake up the next day. The world is better off without me is what I used to think. Still today I occasionally think if I were to die would the people around me be better off. I know better and I don't need to try to kill myself to see if people really care about me or not. Don't get me wrong I am not saying that getting high is the answer because its not but at the moment it feels like the only solution to your need of immediate gratification. I hate that once you are and addict you will always be an addict even if you never use again. Everyday is a battle with your addictions and some days are harder than others. Everyday you wake up is another day you have to find a reason to stay sober. On days that everything you do turns out to be a disaster are the hardest because those are the days that you really have to fight with every ounce of your being to resist the temptation to just throw in the towel and give up. I don't go out with my friends anymore because I fear that I will go out and mess up all the hard work that I have accomplished. When I think about how I used to be and how I am today its almost like I am thinking about someone else. The things I have done are things that are inexcusable and I can't take them back. People that I have hurt by my actions while under the influence of one thing or another.

I used to hate myself more than my enemies hated me. The people who hated me would say that they didn't need to bother to try and hurt me because I was doing their bidding all on my own. They even felt sorry for me to see that I hated myself more than they did. I was my own worst enemy. Today I still fight to love myself with help from others it is easier. I have learned not to try and take life on in one day. Not everything in my life is the way that I want it but I have and am still learning that it will never be that way. Everything is the way that it is for a reason sometimes along the way you might know why but most of the times it just is. You just have to try and make the best out of what you have. I truly do appreciate the bad things in my life I know it sounds crazy but without them I could never know the value of the good things that I have in my life. I try not to take things for granted. I love that I have slowly earned myself respect and trust back from people and that is one of the greatest rewards of being sober. Knowing that someone who once looked down on you now looks up to you is a good feeling.

There were people who wanted to help but you can not help someone who does not want help. In order for you to really help someone they have to be willing to change. If you think you are helping by bailing them out in their times of need you're not. For example if someone is using drugs and missed a few days of work and fell short on some bill and you know this and loan then the money you are not helping. Why not? By you loaning them money knowing that they have a problem just makes it easier to get by and not really see the consequences of their actions. They were in a tight spot but now they are not and since they had no repercussion to their action they will continue to do it again and again until they do. At first they really are grateful that you helped them out in their time of need but with time of you constantly helping them out they will expect it. They will because you have always helped before so why stop now is what they are thinking. How could you do this to me? Come on just this last time I swear I will never ask you to help me out again. Sometimes no help is the best help. Help by waiting to they are ready and interventions. Once they have accepted they have a problem and are ready to be helped then you helping with finding programs and giving emotional support is the best you can do.

Like I said before I am drug free and it is not easy but it is my lifestyle. It is a choice that I make to live the rest in this sweet surrender to my misery so to speak. It is not the type of misery that you think. I only use the word misery because it also means sadness and my addiction was something I grew to love. Even though I no longer use drugs its like I lost something. I guess the best way to say it is I am mourning. Mourning the loss of my love. Hating that I do not have that love anymore makes me hate being sober. Aside from that feeling of loss I love my sobriety. I'm miserable and loving it.