Missing You

It can't be right to feel this way.
My heart must just be upset at all the
Red meat, liquor, and cigarettes.
Now It's taking revenge on me through you,
And I can't trust my own emotions anymore.
You are driving me insane.
You have made me shameless as a junky.
If money could buy more time with you
I would sell everything:
Car, house, gold, stereo
Books, CD's, my mother.
I would steal cocaine to trade it for more cash.
I would sell my soul to the Republican party.
I would even sell my body.
Not in a back-alley blowjob kinda way.
I mean to a University for science or something,
One piece at a time,
Like Johnny Cash's Cadillac.

I would give up everything I have,
Except one each eye, ear, heart, hand, and voice.
As that's the bare minimum I need
To lose myself in your sight and sound,
And write about it,
And shout my words from rooftops and stages
For the whole world to envy.

You're in me now like that pencil lead tattoo
I accidentally gave myself in grade school.
Except it's not my knuckle but my consciousness
That I can't wipe clean of your stain.

I think about you every time I breathe.
Each inhalation increases my anxiety.
So now I'm counting the time between seconds without you
Staring at the sun in vain
Trying to overpower your afterimage.

I'll see you in a few short hours,
But I'd rather spend that time without air,
Since I don't need it
When you're around,
You fill me with your light,
And I feel strong,
Like I
Could mold mountains into matress frames,
Pull down clouds to stuff them full,
Cover it with a silken sunset and
Hold you,
Under a blanket of stars
While the envious moon stares slack-jawed.

When I wake up in the morning without you
I check the pillow for traces of your sweat
To get a quick fix off your scent.
I try to warm myself in the heat left
From where you slept two nights ago,
And then I close my eyes and plug my ears
And I can see and hear you weaving through
The strings of my soul still resonant from your plucking,
Like half a chord that needs completion.

Then I catch myself picking out our children's names,
And imagining all the things I could do to you.
As we try to conceive them.
Because the sexiest thing I've ever heard
Was when you said,
"I want to have your baby."
So now I'm catching all your stray hairs and
Saving them to weave a blanket
Soft enough to touch his skin,
Or hers.

The man I was before is dead now,
Executed mafioso style by the taste of your lips,
And I was glad to help the feel of your skin
Dump his rotting corpse in the river.

I thank God that I found you,
But at the same time I wish I'd never met you;
Because in my blissful ignorance
I didn't know it could be so good or
That I could ever have so much to lose,

Because I know, as certain as I am writing this,
That now there's no way I could survive without you in my life
And that scares me to death,
But I still love you
And right now I'm missing you