Missing Sweet Chloe

It has been a couple weeks since my sweet toy poodle, Chloe was taken from me at 3 AM on a Wednesday night May the 3rd. It was so dark outside but I fully expected that she could be seen in her snow white , toy poodle coat. No, actually I fully expected her to never leave the yard, at least not in the time it took me to walk across the room and back to the door. Maybe It was longer that I was away but my guilt is there regardless. I should have never walked away from that door. I was absorbed in my on stuff at the time, being selfish and thoughtless. No amount of guilt or what ifs will bring her back to us, so I try to think of it as a major learning experience. I do get peace in the fact that she was found right away, though the car that took her life never stopped or even tapped their brakes. That means little since she would still be gone. I also find peace in the fact that her death was instant and surely painless( this was obvious). I showed Chloe Ramona affection and love that very day so I know she knew she was loved. I wrapped her still warm body in a towel, after much hysterics, and brought her inside,put her in a shoe box and carried her to the basement already knowing I wanted to bury her the next day at my boyfriends house next to his Yorkie, Hopper. Chloe loved Hopper as she did everyone and thing before post- pregnancy/birthing problems took Hopper from us around a year ago. I still have 2 toy poodles with me and a wonderful Collie/blue heeler mix but like anyone who is loved, Chloe can not be replaced. There will never be another Chloe. She was exactly one week away from her 2nd birthday.

Chloe was unlike any animal I'd ever known. The absolute meaning of sweetness. When we got her at 7 weeks old or so she was very, very shy. She spent most of the first 6 months in her favorite hiding spot behind the couch. I eventually got her to accept some affection. I would hold her as if she were a small baby with her head on my chest or shoulder. She would lay her head down, suddenly so trustingly, for as long as I would hold her. She would do this for most people she knew. You could just feel the love radiating from her little body and into your heart. You could feel her trust and so much appreciation for the love I gave her back. I have tears in my eyes right know remembering what a wonderful feeling that was. A feeling I will miss for a very long time.

She deserved so many more years than she got. She deserved better but I can't give her better now. Unlike my other toy poodles she was never jealous. She didn't mind sharing my affection with the other dogs. She was just grateful to be a part of the family and to be loved. She was never mean or snappy,except if another dog disturbed her while she was falling asleep. She would give a short but sharp yap and then just lay back down. Other than that there was nothing about her that wasn't completely sweet. As a matter of fact, even that was sweet because you could see that she was immediately sorry she had snapped and hadn't meant to. We always called her "sweet Chloe". While I did plan to breed her that was never the only reason I had her. She never got to have a litter, I would have loved to see her puppies. She came in heat several times but when she was old enough it just didn't happen. We all loved her so much it didn't matter if she ever did get pregnant. I wouldn't have seen her lose that incredible innocence anyway! That was another special quality she had! She was so innocent. I know that all animals are, but not like Sweet Chloe! She was nearly two years old but as playful as a 3 month old puppy. She was truly a trip! She lived to play and get lovin's! I know my other female toy poodle, Molly, who is about 8 months old, really misses having Chloe around to play with her all the time. And I miss the way she snuggled into my belly to sleep and especially that little head on my shoulder.

The hardest part of it all for me was telling my kids. I waited until after school the next day so they wouldn't go to school upset, alone and unable to let their feelings out. They were in disbelief and of course upset. I couldn't hold back the tears. This was made worse when one son was too sad to see her buried(which is okay by me) and the other went to the basement to see her body. I didn't want him to see her like that but he is almost 15 and I can sorta understand that he felt he needed to see her one last time. I did the same right before I put her in the hole but that is not how I remember her at all. I remember her beautiful, sweet and energetic. Boy, was she full of energy! I tried so hard to keep my composer for my son's sake but the walk to that hole with her body in a shoebox, in my arms, was so long and I had a total breakdown. Minutes later I had control over my tears and said my good-byes with one last touch and watched the first two or three shovels of dirt hit that box. I turned my head until it was done. I then walked around the yard and dug up a flower, one of those bulb flowers that return every year, bigger and stronger. I placed it in the middle of sweet Chloe's grave. She will be greatly missed.