Mississippi Outlaws Sex Toys: Vibrators Outlawed but Guns Still Mandatory in Southern State

In a stunning legislative move, the Supreme Court of Mississippi (which consists of three men named Billy Bob and a cocker spaniel) banned the sale, advertising, or exhibiting of any three-dimensional device used primarily for the stimulation of human genitalia. The landmark decision makes sex toy possession a felony punishable by up to 5 years in prison and/or a $75 fine. Once the controversial law passed, Mississippi's governor Haley Barbour authorized several sting operations across the state to rid Mississippi of the phallic threat to southern life, a threat second only to terrorism in these dangerous and vulnerable times.

At an adult store named Good Vibrations on the east side of Jackson, several undercover policemen witnessed the sale of not one, not two, but 18 individual sex toys during lunch hour earlier this week. "Things were really buzzing at the store," commented store owner Gale McFarland from behind bars in the Jackson state prison for women. "None of us realized that the hot men in trench coats were cops. We thought they were Atlanta metrosexuals in the market for some new anal plugs. When they asked to frisk us, we just thought they were ordinary perverts," said the 61 year old grandmother of four. McFarland and her employees are eligible for parole in 2010.

Across the street in the Pleasure Plaza, Rhonda Milligan could be heard screaming at police raiding her store, "You can have my dildo when you rip it from my cold, dead, callused hands!" She was later arrested and held without bail. Fred Phillips, who was shopping for a new inflatable doll to replace his old one patched up with duct tape, witnessed Milligan clenching a 12 inch rubber sex toy, "as fiercely as a drowning woman would hold a bouy."

The Mississippi law may be rubbing people the wrong way but it's not the first of its kind in America. Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas have similar laws on the books, banning the sale and/or advertisement of sex toys. But the laws do allow a little wiggle room, according to Texas based attorney Jack Offalot.

"Sex Toys are only illegal to own or sell if their primary use is the stimulation of genitalia. In other words, if your sex toyperforms other functions, it's completely legal to own or sell under all state statutes," he explained.

"Let me get this straight," Associated Content asked him over coffee at Starbucks one morning. "It's legal to own, sell and masturbate with ordinary household items, as long as they're sold for other functions?"

"Correct. Many lipsticks, for example..."

I was never much on cosmetics, so I cut him off. "How about vegetables? Cucumbers, pickles?"

"As long as you eat them afterwards."

"Candles?"

"Tapered candles work the best. Be sure to wait until your're done to light them"

"Screwdrivers?"

"Regular or phillips, either will work."

My mind was whirling with ideas. "A turkey baster?"

"My wife's favorite," he quipped. "Yet another thing to be thankful for. And of course, the electric toothbrush, a staple for any modern woman with a healthy libido."

Despite the fact that Mississippi residents average the fewest number of teeth in the union, toothbrush sales have always been impressive over the years, which has perplexed out of state marketing executives. Offalot believes the high demand for toothbrushes, particularly battery operated toothbrushes, directly correlates with the state's anti-sex toy legislation.

For those Mississippians who, rather than brush their teeth, soak them in a glass of water overnight, there are other options. Some clever entrepreneurs have taken advantage of the loose wording of the law by designing undercover vibrators, sex toys disguised as normal household items. One such designer, Smith and Wesson, has released the designs for their Colt 69, which will hit the store shelves on August 15th. Part handgun, part vibrator, the Colt 69 has a retail price of... you guessed it, $69.95, which includes a complimentary round of bullets and batteries.

"The inspiration for the Colt 69 was a woman named Sharon Wood, whose Louisiana residency restrained her from buying a safe Rabbit Pearl, Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket, or even a Walmart brand neck massager," Smith and Wesson CEO Dan Smith tells us. "One night, after her husband of 39 years belched his way to sleep after a premature ejaculation, she took matters into her own hands. Grabbing the nearest item as she lay in bed, which just happened to be her old man's Colt 45 under the pillow, she worked herself into such a frenzy that she literally shot her load. Unfortunately she didn't survive to see the unveiling of our product, but I like to think that on August 15th, she'll be smiling down at us from Heaven."

The Colt 69 is sure to be a successful product because it's a sex toy that men won't be embarrassed to buy for their wives and girlfriends. Also, it has the endorsement of the NRA, one of the nation's most powerful lobbies in Washington D.C. They're already lobbying Congress to allow the bypass of the customary 7 day waiting period for the weapon/sex toy.

"I think it's very clear to consumers," added Wesson, "When sex toys are outlawed, only outlaws will have sex toys."

The fate of sex toys in Mississippi is still up in the air, but the debate already appears to be a stimulating experience.