Model Behavior

I never knew I was beautiful until I was told I could be a model if I lost weight. Funny I thought, I knew I was smart, but a model? I was in love with literature and school. And my goal was to be an English teacher. Not a model strung out on heroin ala Kate Moss. So I ignored the advice to be a model yet I became more self conscious.

I decided despite not wanting to starve myself, that I would start a fitness program, so I joined a Christian gym. I got on a jumpsuit. Light blue. And I put on some sneakers and figured out how to use the treadmill. I had just started walking when a young man got on the treadmill next to me. For some reason he was making me squirm. I felt his presence too close for comfort and of all things my bra started to itch. Embarrassed, I scratched above my chest. And the guy ran off the treadmill and into the locker. Great. Day one of my workout is a total disaster.

Feeling embarrassed. And unsure what to think of the whole situation, I continued going to the gym. And I learned that the guy was a personal trainer there. Just peachy. He said "Hi." And I never mentioned the whole incident too embarrassed about the whole thing. I figured I could be his friend. But I still felt uncomfortable. I felt like he was flirting with me. And I am sure he's ok, but I'm tired of guys flirting with me and then saying we're just friends. And when he didn't ask me out after a while, I figured he never would and stopped flirting with him.

All of these uncomfortable feelings was making me gain weight. I was going to school and it was stressful enough. To add this guy into the mix was too much. So I did what worked for me before. I meditated. And it didn't matter so much to me about whether Terry really liked me or not. And whether he really cared or not about me. And I found my second wind. I finally gave up sugar and white flour for the most part and the weight finally started to come off.

It all started out so slowly, increasing walking a little at a time and starting slow by cutting out sugar bit by bit. First I used a dash of salt in my coffee instead of two teaspoonfuls of sugar. It cut the bitterness and I used a little milk. But all these gradual changes really helped me. I started adding beans and brown rice and vegetable soup to my diet and I was losing more and more weight. And I never starved.

So I was finally losing some of the dress sizes despite Terry getting testy with me. I don't know if he liked me when I was a size 20 but I felt so much better as a 14 I didn't care. Some guy tried hitting on me that reminded me too much of the guy I used to love that I froze up and wouldn't even talk to him. He reminded me so much of Jerome it was scary. I don't even know his name. But even though I'm attracted to him if there is so much as a type of guy I'm attracted to, I really didn't join a gym to meet anyone.

And I was so sick of guys flirting with me and telling me we were just friends that even though I was a lot more healthy and fit. I wanted to nurse my broken heart without jumping into another doomed relationship. I'd dated before, but I never felt anything for the guy and I knew I wasn't gay, but still I'd been hurt real bad before and it was hard for me to trust anyone.

The only time I had ever been head over heels in love ended not so happy although I didn't try to kill myself or anything, I think it was because he was introverted and I was a little more ambiverted. I liked social situations and being alone. And when he finally did like me, I thought he was being a wimp. And he was kind of a control freak anyway so I felt hurt. I'm sure if he had truly loved me he wouldn't have been so hurtful. We don't even talk anymore. Which is fine with me cause I haven't even had a real date since we stopped seeing each other.

So you wonder why I can't love Terry? Even though he seems really nice? Because even if he really did love me and really did want me. I don't trust men and I've given up on ever finding true love. I thought being best friends was the best way to fall in love. But it didn't work with Jerome. And Terry certainly doesn't let me feel like he wants to start out as friends. He even used the excuse to show me equipment to caress my arm. I was so confused. He's lucky I didn't complain.

The problem with personal trainers is they figure they can have any woman they want. And now that I look more fit. I really don't want to get into a relationship with a personal trainer. How am I supposed to know if I really like him enough to want him? How am I supposed to know if he's just another annoying flirt. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I really don't want to lead men on but they get so angry when I'm happy on my own.

So I have tried ignoring him. And he's been talking to other women. But I wonder if I ever really would have been happy with someone so extroverted. He liked talking to me and we still talk. But I think I hurt his feelings. But I'm really tired of caring about guys and getting steamrolled over when they decide they don't like me so much as I thought they did. I'm better off alone. And I am almost finished with school and soon I'll be an English teacher instead of a stupid model and I still have Jesus.