Mom, Your Boyfriend Molested Me

When a young child or a teen-ager is raped or sexually molested, some of these children are brave enough to tell; maybe not right away, it may take weeks, months, or even longer for some children to come forth. They are scared, devastated and confused. Their whole life has been changed. They may never be the same. It's not easy for these young people to just come out and say "I was raped or I was molested."

For many other children, they don't tell verbally. But their actions do tell. We as parents, grandparents, and guardians need to recognize the symptoms. When a child is molested or raped; there is usually a dramatic change in that child's behavior. Children may become withdrawn or afraid. They may shut themselves off from the family. They may become depressed. There may be changes in the way they dress. Occurring, nightmares are a very good clue that something is very wrong. Some children especially boys may act out at home and at school. These symptoms could very well be signs of other, serious, problems; regardless, of what the problem is; when children show signs that they are in trouble; parents or guardians need to intervene. However, it is hard for children to tell when they have been molested or raped.

I will never forget this, one, brave, little girl who did have the courage to tell; only to face more pain and frustrations. Can you imagine the devastation a child faces when he or she tells and the mother don't believe?

She was only nine years old; when she was molested by her mother's boy friend, in her mother's bedroom, while her mother was just down stairs in the living room. She was a very brave little girl, even though the boy friend warned her not to tell. When the molester let her go, she ran to her mother and told her mother that the man touched her private part, and touched her in places where she didn't want to be touched. The child was crying hysterically. The mother's boy friend rushed down the stairs just behind the child. The boyfriend said that's not true. She was being bad, I only spanked her. The child was still crying; she told her mother, No, he sat me on his lap and he touched my private part. The boyfriend replied, now you know that's not what happened. The mother immediately believed the boyfriend over the nine year old child. The mother told the child that she was lying and that her friend wouldn't do something like that. She warned the child not to repeat that lie to anyone else.

This was one of the bravest child, ever. Two weeks later, it was visitation time with her father and his parents. The little girl was having problem falling to sleep. So her grown cousin stayed up with her to watch T. V. They were watching cartoons. Out of the blue; the child said to her cousin. I have a big secret to tell you. I'm not supposed to tell anybody because my grandma and grandpa and my mom and dad will get hurt, really, really, bad. The girl said the secret was too hard to keep. The child made her cousin swear that she would keep her secret. The cousin swore that she would not reveal the secret. The cousin was concerned; she could sense that something was very wrong. She would swear to anything, to find out what was bothering this child. The nine year old told her cousin about the molestation and that her mother didn't believe her.
The cousin was devastated. She couldn't believe this was happening. This was something that you read about in the papers. It doesn't happen in your own family. She fought back tears that were rapidly filling her eyes. The child said her mother told her that it didn't happen; that she just imagined it. The child insisted that it did happen and her mother's boyfriend threatened certain family members with bodily harm if she ever told.

The child said she was afraid to fall asleep at her mother's house. She was afraid of her mother's friend and she was afraid of the nightmares. Tears streamed down the child's face. She said that she followed her eleven year old brother around all day; even though it bugged her brother. At night she slept on a blanket on the floor, in her brother's room. Her brother would help her put a chair against the door, propped under the doorknob, so no one could get in. She told her brother it was to keep out the monsters. Her brother didn't know what was going on; he helped her secure the room to keep her from crying and disturbing him while he was playing video games or doing homework. The cousin held the child in her arms until she fell asleep. She put a blanket over the little girl and kissed her softly on the forehead.

The cousin immediately woke up the grandmother and told her what the child had said. The grandmother was astonished. This can't be happening, she said. With unsteady hands, she picked up the phone, and called child protective services. Since it was past midnight and the child was in a safe place; the grandmother was advised to let the child rest; wait until morning, then contact the local police department.

The next morning when the child woke up, her cousin explained to the child that the secret she was carrying was very serious. It was not the kind of secret she should keep. She asked the child, that if she promised that no one will get hurt, if the secret could be told to the grandmother and someone else who can help and protect her. At, first the girl said no, her mother's friend promised he would hurt people very, very bad; if he did hurt my family, it would be my fault for telling, the girl cried. Then there was her mother. Her mother didn't want her to tell either. The nine year old loved her mother. She didn't want to do anything to hurt her mom or to make her mom angry at her.

The cousin had to convince this child that nothing this man did could ever be her fault. She also had to convince the child that this man only threatened to hurt people, in order to keep her quiet. The cousin had to make this little girl realize that what this man did was a very bad thing. It was wrong. He may do it again, to her, or to other little children. He had to be stopped. As for the mother; the cousin, explained to the child that her mother didn't want to believe that a man she loved, could hurt her child. The cousin also explained to the little girl that she was a very special person; and that her body was very special. No one had the right to touch her in places that made her uncomfortable. She told the child that even though parents try to do their best, that sometimes parents are wrong, because they are only humans. And this time, the child's mother was wrong. Parents sometimes make bad judgment calls. Sometimes they just don't want to face the truth because it's too hard.

The child finally agreed to talk to her grandmother. Her grandmother didn't ask many questions. She didn't want to confuse the child. She wanted the child to tell what had happened in her own words. It wasn't easy, but, the child told her grandmother about the molestation. The grandmother gave her little granddaughter and big hug; and told her how brave she was. And that she loved her very much. She told the child, that telling was the right thing to do. She promised the child that no one would get hurt.

When grandmother told the child's father what had happened to his little girl. He was beside himself. He was in a rage. His anger frightened his mother and his cousin. This was his innocent, beautiful, little angel. He punched the wall with such force; it left a hole where his fist went through. It wasn't easy, but, his mother and cousin were able to calm him down enough to talk to him; to convince him to let the law handle things. Confronting the mother and the boyfriend was not the right thing to do, at this time. They had to first talk to police officers and let them take it from there.

At the police station, the officer that interviewed the child was very friendly and very good with children. He let the grandmother sit in on part of the interview. He talked to the little girl about her school, about toys she like, and other fun things; he did this to get the child's trust. After the child was comfortable, the officer cautiously asked her questions about the molestation. He knew how to ask questions in a way not to scare or upset the child. He asked the child if she liked dolls. She answered yes. He asked her if it was alright with her if she could talk to him alone while her grandmother sat right outside the door. If she got uncomfortable she could have her grandmother come back inside at anytime. The officer told the child that she could even pick a doll to play with while they talked. The grandmother noticed that there was a box filled with toys, sitting in the corner, of the office. The girl agreed to talk to the officer alone. She felt safe knowing that her grandmother was right outside the door.

Shortly, the police officer came out of the office into the hallway where the girl's father and grandmother were waiting. The officer told them that the child's story was very persistence and that she was telling the truth. He recommended that the child be seen by a doctor, to confirm it was just touching.

The child was taken to a doctor immediately after leaving the police station. The doctor confirmed it was just touching. She also said that the child's story was very persistence.

When they got home; the father called the child's mother and confronted her. He wanted to know why she handled the situation the way she did. The mother became very angry that the father and his mother got the police and child protective service involved. She accused him of trying to destroy her relationship with her new boyfriend. Then she hung up the phone.

A few minutes later, the mother called back to speak to her daughter. The grandmother, who answered the phone, said that wasn't going to happen. She was not going to let the angry mother upset the child. The mother said her daughter was lying on her boyfriend; and that was the reason why she didn't do anything. The grandmother asked why the child would lie on your boyfriend. The mother said she didn't know why; he was good to her daughter; he even took her to the park to play.

The mother said that her neighbors were willing to testify in court, about how much her boyfriend loved her daughter. The mother angrily pointed out, that she should have been called to explain things; before the police and child protective services were involved. She angrily stated that her boyfriend was on probation and he could easily go back to jail. The grandmother replied, "Good!" Maybe that's where he belongs. She hung up the phone.

The next day the mother went to the school and checked both her daughter and her son, out of school early. She needed to get the children out off school before their father got there to pick them up. She was well aware that the children's father had no intentions of letting his children go back into her house while the accused molester was living there. This mother told her children, that if her boyfriend went to jail; she would be very sad and unhappy. She told the children that a lot of people wanted her to be sad. She said that because of what your dad and grandma did; a social worker is coming to see me today to take you away from me.

The mother said to her daughter, you are going to tell the social worker that you lied. You are going to tell her that you made up the whole thing. You are going to tell her that you are confused. Tell her you had a bad dream. But, mom, it did happen; the little girl pleaded. Grandma said that I have to tell the truth. Grandma said that if I lied about it that I could get all confused and mixed up. She said that your friend won't really hurt my family if I told the truth. He was just saying that to scare me. The woman said I'm your mother. You do what I tell you to do. You are going to tell that social worker exactly what I said. My friend could go to jail. You don't want to send people to jail, do you?

The child felt betrayed by the mother she loved so dearly. She felt so alone; so devastated, and it hurt, deeply, that her mother didn't believe her. She didn't know what to do in order to make her mom believe her. Why was it so hard for her mother to believe her? The child felt that she had no choice except to do what her mother wanted. She didn't want to lose her mother's love. She said okay, mom, I'll say what you want me to say. The mother gave her daughter a lingering hug, and a kiss, and said mommy loves you.

Late in the afternoon, the social worker called the dad and told him that there was nothing anyone could do. The child changed her story. The police could not arrest this man. The father knew how manipulating his ex could be. He knew that his Ex forced his little girl to lie. But, he had no proof. The social worker said that there were no grounds to remove the child from her mother's home.

The week-end finally came. The children were very happy and relieved when their dad arrived. They ran to the car and climbed into the back seat. There was sadness in the boy's voice; he told his dad that his mom was going to court to make sure that he and his sister would never see their dad, again. According to the boy, their mother said they could not tell their dad or grandmother anything about her boy friend. They had to tell everybody that nothing happened to his sister. The children were told that if their mother's friend went to jail; their mother would be very sad. The children felt it would be their fault if their mother was sad for the rest of her life.

The dad told his children that whatever happened with their mother or her boy friend could never be their fault. You are only children. You have no control over what happens in your mother's life. It's not your responsibility to make your mother happy. Her own decisions will make her happy or sad; it's her call. Grown ups are responsibility for their own lives. Children don't take care of parents, he told his children; parents are supposed to protect and care for our children. Don't worry about what your mom says; I will never stop seeing you. That will never happen. You are my children, I love you and I will always be here for you.

It was beyond this man's wildest imagination what his little girl must be going through. This little girl ran to her mother for help, she was crying hysterically. The mother turned her back on the child. She didn't believe her little girl. This child had just gone through the physical and emotional trauma of being molested. She stood before her mother sobbing, yet she stood alone. Her mother didn't believe her. He knew this must have been a very frightening moment in his child's life. Her mother rejected her when she needed her most. How could she not believe her own daughter? How could she turn her back on her little girl?

The mother stuck to the story that her boyfriend didn't do anything wrong. And she couldn't understand why he would have to leave the house, just because he was accused of touching her daughter; especially, since the child changed her story. After an investigation was done of both parents; and facts that came up in court; the father was awarded full custody of his children, by the court. The mother got restricted visitation rights. She received supervised visitations. The dad took both of his children to counseling.

Month's later; the mother's boyfriend was arrested on charges unrelated to this child molestation charge. He was put away for a long time. There were unconfirmed reports that he was sentenced twenty nine years.

Parents should be careful not to place their children in harms' way. Get to know your partner well before you trust that person to be alone with your children. Protect your children more than you would protect a million dollars. Let your children know that they can always turn to you; that you will always be there for them. And please, listen to your children.