Mom or Dad is Sick! Should They Move in with You?

My parents divorced about 30 years ago. My dad is 76, and my mom will be 70 this year. Nowadays I find myself in the same zone as many of my peers: knee-deep in worry as to how to care for my folks as they age. One of the options is moving them into my home.

Here's where my image and worry takes a sharp left turn on that road I share with those my age. In my mental image, I walk into my two-story foyer to find my parents playing a rousing game of dueling canes right underneath my chandelier. They're swinging and muttering some choice words, looking much more agile and a lot less fragile than I'd thought them to be just a week prior.

My eye follows the spiral oak staircase to the top of the landing where my children and a few of their friends watch the scene in mixture of horror and amusement. I think my son is taking bets on the outcome of the skirmish.

There's a lot to consider before you move your parents into your home with you or with you and your other family members. As our parents age, natural instinct often supersedes rational thought and we immediately jump to the thought of having our elderly family member move in with us.

Ironically, many of those instincts were taught by the very loved ones we desperately long to protect and cocoon the way they protected us when we were children. Even if you grew up in an Ozzie and Harriett or Cosby kind of household, it'sEven if you grew up in an Ozzie and Harriett or Cosby kind of household, it's a big decision. Sometimes that's a good thing. Sometimes it's the worst move we could make for both our parents and ourselves.

Why it May Be the Right Idea:
The reasons we start to think it's time for mom or dad to move in with us falls into one of a number of categories.

* Health. Perhaps your parent if facing a major health crisis that requires IVs, shots or things he is incapable of handling on his own. It may also be that his memory is failing a bit and he forgets to take that morning insulin shot.

* Your parent is a danger to himself. This is a step beyond health issues. If the parent has forgetfulness that may lead him to leave something on the stove, for example, that's a good reason to consider having the parent move into your household

* Loneliness. When one of your parents is deceased, the other may be lost. Everyone longs to be needed. If someone is used to being part of a couple, that sense of wholeness is gone. Depression may set in.

* Money. Perhaps the parent is no longer longer able to make it on his or her own financially. Two live more cheaply than one. It's just a logistics thing.

* Convenience. If your parent can't drive, and you find yourself shuffling from one household to another, the situation may be solved by combining the two households.

* You get along. This sounds like a silly thought, but if you genuinely enjoy the company of your parent, it may be a natural move to include an aging parent in your household. Perhaps you already do, and the physical move is merely a formality.

Conversely, if you butted heads with our parent as a child, why would you think it would get better with age? Have you ever heard the old adage that you can't have two cooks in the kitchen? Well, there's truth in that. If your parent has an alpha dog personality, and you've established a very different way of operating your household, you could find your entire household in upheaval.

Why it May Be a Bad Idea:
* Discord. Just as it makes sense to join households if you naturally get along, it makes sense that if you butted heads with your parent when you were a child, why would you think it would get better with age? Have you ever heard the old adage that you can't have two cooks in the kitchen? Well, there's truth in that. If your parent has an alpha dog personality, and you've established a very different way of operating your household, you could find your entire household in upheaval.

* Dealing with the frail. While there's a special bond between grandparents and grandchildren, the frail or elderly fall into another category. Krissie had diabetes and her son feared she would forget to take her daily insulin shot. He wanted her to come to live with his family. She became unnerved at family gatherings from the noise level of her young grandchildren, however. Here grandchildren were normal for their age, but the noise level and commotion caused her undue stress.

* Independence is paramount. How well do you really know your parents? If your father has always prided himself on being the patriarch of the family, even in old age, moving him from familiar surroundings where he ruled and provided for his family, may be more than he can bear. You will see him age quickly before your eyes. You'll break his spirit.

* Health. The health issues may be more than you are capable of dealing with. This may be from a physical sense or from a psychological sense. You are human, and there is only so much you can do, particularly if you are trying to run a household of your own.

* Self Respect. Some parents make it quite clear that they'd rather have a stranger caring for them---bathing them, dressing them, and in some cases, changing soiled clothing---as opposed to a family member. It's a matter of dignity. This sort of thing should be discussed well in advance. No one wants to appear vulnerable to loved ones, but you have to figure out just how serious your parent's need in this matter is. Then respect it.

* Your children. If you have small children or others in your household who have special needs, caring for a frail or aging parent may be beyond your needs, even if you have the best intentions.