Mom's Fireworks Safety Guide

"You mean to tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honky lighters, husker doos, husker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?" Joe Dirt knows his fireworks. Judging by the size of his mullet, he probably doesn' t know a thing about firework safety. Backyard firework displays are an anticipated part of most Fourth of July celebrations. However, fireworks also cause any number of summer time ER visits. Nothing ruins a backyard cook-out like Dad blowing off a finger or your second-cousin's girlfriend Amy losing an eye. Armed with some very common sense and a little basic knowledge you should be able to fend off any explosive situations before they happen. Consult "Mom's Fireworks Safety Guide or How *Not* to Blow Up Real Good" to ensure that your 4th of July gathering is fun and shrapnel-free.

Mom's Fireworks Safety Guide or How *Not* To Blow Up Real Good

1.There is no such thing as a completely harmless firework. Sparklers, bottle rockets and firecrackers seem benign. They're not too loud and they don't emit thousands of potentially combustible sparks. Don't be fooled by their deceptive simplicity. All fireworks are composed of explosive materials for a reason - so that they will explode. These three types of consumer fireworks combined, result in over half of the reported firework-related injuries. Most of those injuries were to children ten and under. A ten-year old wouldn't be allowed to play with a book of matches and they certainly shouldn't be allowed to handle small explosives.

2. A dud is not always a dud. Fireworks are fickle. Fireworks often have a mind of their own. Some fireworks are stubborn and don't even go off after the fuse appears to have burned all the way down. These fireworks are called *duds*. Dud may be a silly name but duds are not silly at all. Duds can change at a moment's notice into live fireworks that blow off half of your nose, while you stare into the cylinder like a befuddled rocket scientist. You might as well put an apple on your head and give drunk Uncle Billy a bow and arrow. Don't take the chance. Drown the dud and move along. Keep a bucket of water or the water hose handy for just that purpose.

3. You too can start forest...or vehicle...or house... or wildfires. I have witnessed this first hand. This topic is of huge importance in the southeastern United States this year, where an intense drought has prompted a burn ban in many places. Unless there is a significant weather change in the next few weeks, that ban may last into the coming holiday season. Dry grass is especially susceptible to combustion. One spark from a bottle rocket or a package of Black Cats can set an entire field of grass ablaze. In our neighborhood an unsupervised eleven year old girl, with a bag of bottle rockets and a stolen Bic lighter, set several acres of a field on fire. It took three fire departments, two hours or more to put it out. Bottom line is obey the local laws. Check with your local authorities before you start blowing stuff up.

4. Alcohol and fireworks can make an explosive cocktail. Fireworks and beer do not mix well. Although both are present at many 4th of July parties, it's just not wise to have a Bud Light in one hand and a roman candle in the other. Handling fireworks requires both coordination and good judgment. Handling large amounts of alcohol has been proven to affect both. Just as you would have a designated driver, you should also have a designated detonator. Many 4th of July mishaps are preceded bv the words, "Hey man! Would ya hold my beer?"

5. Pets do not enjoy pyrotechnics. We love our animals. We love them so much that we try to make them human. We dress them up in little clothes and buy them Christmas stockings. Including them in our vacations and holiday celebrations is common practice. While it is sweet to remember our pets on special occasions, on those that involve fireworks, it is best to leave pets inside. Flashing lights and loud reports indicate danger to an animal and they may react unpredictably. Remember the horse getting spooked by the fireworks in the movie Final Destination 3? The analogy is extreme but a frightened animal could easily hurt a guest or injure themselves. Do your pets a favor and draw the blinds, turn up the TV, give them a rawhide bone and leave them in the house.

6. Lighting more than one firework at a time is just asking for trouble. Light only one firework at a time. Do not twist fuses together. Do not hold 500 sparklers at once. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Fuses burn much faster when twisted together. This can provide little time to get out of the way. Just ask the 15-year old that tried to hold ten lit sparklers in his left hand to the tune of a 5-inch laceration that exposed the muscle in his forearm as a result of the ensuing explosion. Months and months of physical therapy later, he has recovered but probably still suffers from PTSD-Post Traumatic Sparkler Disorder.

7. RTFI. Read The Freaking Instructions. Most fireworks packages come with simple warnings and instructions. If you abide by these warnings and instructions, you should have a reasonably safe firework experience. However, people are known to disregard instructions and make up their own rules. If youchoose to ignore the instructions do, do so at your own peril as "the ramparts red glare" may wreak havoc on your 4th of July parade. If it says shoot on a flat surface - shoot on a flat surface. A Golden Flower becomes a Golden Flower of Destruction when it tips over on unleveled ground and sets the grass on fire.

Many advocates and councils recommend that the safest way to handle fireworks in to not handle them at all. Experts say leave the explosions to the professionals in your city or town. However, fireworks are a basic part of 4th of July tradition and the occasion would not be the same without snakes and tanks and spinning flowers. Celebrate the 4th this year with friends and family but do it safely and responsibly. Don't let ridiculous, dangerous behavior ruin you holiday fun. Take these precautions to heart and remember to always keep safety of family and guests in mind. At the end of the night, I bet you'll be glad that you did.