Moms in Hiding: How to Help Your Child Cope with the Fear of Being Found

Although the subject does not get nearly enough attention in media and politics as it should, the fact is that every day there are thousands of mothers who are in hiding to protect their child from an abusive father. The abuse that the child was suffering at the hands of their father may have been mental, physical, sexual, or a combination of all of these. Many of these mothers tried desperately to secure adequate protection for their child through the family court system and other so-called family agencies. When no protection was given, these mothers were left in the position of being the only one willing to provide the protection their child deserved. For most, this means going into hiding.

As a mother who found myself in this situation fifteen years ago, I can see clearly that a life in hiding definitely has various effects on the child who is being protected. I still have no doubts, at least in regard to my own child, that the effects of a life in hiding were still much better than leaving her defenseless as a toddler against her abusive father. However it seems apparent that other mothers who are currently in hiding to protect their child may benefit from knowing what these negative effects can be.

One of the most evident negative effects that I noticed in my own child when we were in hiding, was the sense of fear she developed of being "found". Even if children are very young, and even if their protective parent does not discuss the idea of being "found" with them, they still will likely understand that this danger exists. I realized this in my own daughter, when at 3 years old, after learning that the FBI had visited a relative, I must have been visibly shaken. When my daughter entered the room, I pulled myself together. Still, she walked right up to me as I was sitting on the floor, put her hands on my face, and said with absolute determination, "I won't let the bad people take me away, Mommy".

Realizing that she understood that people were looking for her, was heartbreaking to me. She had suffered enough at the hands of an abusive father, and I had tried so hard to make our life in hiding as normal as possible. I did not want her bearing additional emotional burdens, because I wanted her to be able to begin the process of healing from what she had already been through.

It should not have been a surprise to me. After all, we had hidden in closets on a few occasions when people had come to the door. She surely noticed my panicked way of peeking through the mini blinds every single time I heard a car door shut outside. Maybe she sensed how terrified I felt inside every time the phone rang.

For mothers in hiding, it is necessary to try your very best to make your child feel safe. The threat of being "found" is a real one, so you may choose not to pretend that it isn't. If your child understands that this threat exists, the only thing left to do is to acknowledge their feelings, answer their questions the best that you can, and always assure them that the situation is not their fault.

Although it can be tremendously frightening and painful to you, it might help your child if you approach the subject of what happens if you are found. If you can give them some sense of what to expect, it may actually alleviate their fears to a degree. You could discuss the fact that authorities would likely be asking them questions, and that they would be cared for by foster parents for a time as well. It can be so painful to begin acknowledging that this is a real possibility, one that I understand very well. But if your child has a mental image of what to expect if it does, they may be less frightened. And of course you will want to reassure them that if it does happen, you will be fighting every day for as long as it takes to be reunited with them. As frightened as you are, the best thing you can do for your child is to try to give them the information and emotional tools that will serve them best if you are found by authorities.