Moms in Hiding: How a Name Change Affects a Child in Hiding

It isn't often talked about, but every day, more and more mothers go into hiding to protect their child from an abusive father. The abuse may have been mental, physical, sexual, or a combination of these. Often, the mother of the abused child has tried to get adequate protection for her child from the family court system and other family agencies without any success. For this reason, the mother of the abused child is then left believing that she has no alternative but to protect her child herself by going into hiding with them.

As a mother who found myself in this same situation fifteen years ago, it is clear to me that a life in hiding has definite effects on the child who is being protected. I still believe wholeheartedly that the negative effects of a life in hiding still are better than the life the child would have faced if left defenseless against an abusive father. However, mothers who are currently in hiding may benefit from knowing what these effects are. One aspect of a life in hiding that can have negative effects on a child is that of having to change their name.

Many mothers who go into hiding to protect their child find it necessary to change the child's name in the process. This can be very confusing, particularly for very young children who don't quite understand the logic behind it. In this case, it may be less harmful to the child to be called by a name that sounds as much like their real name as possible, or to be called an uncommon nickname for their real name. If it is clear that the child is confused in the beginning, be sure to acknowledge that confusion, and reassure them of how much you love them.

When my own daughter experienced this lack of understanding with her name change, it broke my heart to see the look of confusion on her face. Still, I knew the name change was necessary in our situation. Her real name is Marissa, and first we tried the name "Clarissa". She was very confused by this, so I then taught her how to read and write her real name, and then began to focus on just the first 4 letters. I explained what nicknames were, and we talked about how "Mari" could be a nickname for "Marissa". In this way, she was able to see that it was still part of her real name. This method helped her to handle the transition very well, without further confusion. Understandably, I was very relieved by this. Because with all the other trauma she had suffered, the last thing I wanted was to damage her sense of identity.
We came out of hiding when Mari was nearly 4 years old. When we did, I told her that she could have her real name back if she wanted. She chose to continue to use the name "Mari". In fact, she graduates from high school this year, and beneath her photo in the yearbook, it will say "Mari".