Mom's Kitchen

We are in MOM'S KITCHEN, a restaurant with a door to the left and tables to the right. GUY is seated by himself at a table to the right. BILL AND BETTY, in their twenties, ENTER through the door and wait to be seated by the HOSTESS. The Hostess grabs two menus and escorts the couple to a table.

HOSTESS
Welcome to Mom's Kitchen where we try to
make you feel like you are at your mother's
for dinner. Here are your menus. Mom will be
right with you.

BETTY
Isn't it late to be having dinner?

BILL
It's only nine-thirty.

Bill looks to see MOM standing there. She's a plump, lady in her
fifties. She's dressed in a waitress uniform, complete with
apron.

MOM
Hello, I'm Mom. So, why is it you come to
dinner at nine-thirty? You think I'm going
to wait dinner for you all night?

BILL
(embarrassed) Sorry.

MOM
Sorry, he says. Did he say he was sorry when
I was in labor for thirty-six hours?

Mom walks over to the other table where Guy is slouching in his chair. Mom hits him on the back of the head.

MOM
Sit up. Don't slouch. You want bad posture
all your life?

Mom returns to Betty and Bill.

MOM
So, who is this unannounced guest?

BILL
Excuse me, M'am, but do I know you?

MOM
(to Betty) See how fast they forget?
(to Bill) Maybe if you would call or write,
once in a while, you wouldn't forget so fast.
It's Mom. Like in Mother's Day. Like in the
day you couldn't even remember your dear old
mother who works her fingers to the bone,
just so you can have a nourishing meal in
your body. By the way, thanks for the flowers.

BILL
I didn't send you any flowers.

MOM
Go ahead. Make the wound a little deeper.
So, are you going to tell me who this is?

BILL
This is my date. Betty.

MOM
How do you do?

BETTY
Nice to meet you.

MOM
(to Bill) Skinny as a bird. I'll bet she eats
like one, too. Well, are you ready to order?

BILL
Uh, we need just another minute.

MOM
Sure. Take all the time you want. I've only
been on my feet all day. But do you care
about Mom? Nooooo! You'd rather be carousing
around with every Jane you can find.

BETTY
(insulted) I beg your pardon.

MOM
Look, sweetie, it's not your fault.
He's a man, or so he thinks. Every night,
a different girl. If you ask me, I'd find
out just what his intentions are.

Guy, at the next table, waves to Mom.

GUY
Hey, Mom, can I have some dessert?

Mom walks over, takes a look at his plate and slaps the back of his head.

MOM
You didn't finish your cauliflower.
No dessert until I see that plate clean.
Do you hear me, mister? And if you don't,
it's straight to your room, young man.

BETTY
Just what is she talking about?

BILL
I don't know. I tell you, I've never seen
this woman before. My mother lives in
Cleveland.

BETTY
Well, it certainly sounds like she's your
mother.

BILL
Let's just order and get out of here.

Mom walks back to Betty and Bill's table.

BILL
We'd like to order now.

MOM
Like I've got nothing better to do.

Mom takes out a pad and pen.

MOM
Go ahead.

BILL
We'll have the prime rib dinner special,
baked potato. I'd like thousand island
dressing and she'll have the French.

MOM
Yeah, right, Mr. Rockefeller. You'll have
The liver and banana squash and Brussels
sprouts.

The COOK RINGS a bell.

COOK (O.S.)
Pick up on three.

MOM
What do you want to drink?

BILL
We'll both have coffee.

MOM
What do you want? To walk the
floors all night?

BILL
(slow burn) Coffee, please.

MOM
You're too young for coffee.

BILL
(shouting) COFFEE!!!!

MOM
Okay. Okay. But don't come running
to Mom tonight when you wet the bed.

COOK (O.C.)
Pick up on three.

MOM
(yelling) Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
(To Bill) By the way, are you wearing
clean underwear?

Bill throws his hands up in disgust.

MOM (CONT'D)
Suppose you get hit by a bus and
have to go to the emergency room?

BILL
Look, crazy lady, for the last time,
I'm not your son.

BETTY
That's it. I'm out of here.

Betty gets up. Bill stands.

BILL
Wait, Betty, don't go.

MOM
Where do you think you're going, young man?

BILL
I've got to get Betty home.

MOM
Sure. Mom slaves all day to make
you a nourishing meal, but do you care?
(looking up to the heavens) Sam, Sam,
you see what you left me with?

Bill and Betty walk to the door.

BETTY
(angry) Good bye.

BILL
Betty, don't be mad at me because of this
lunatic.

Mom walks up.

BETTY
I'm mad because of the way you treat
your dear, sweet, hard-working mother.

Betty gives Mom a kiss on the cheek.

MOM
(To Betty) Your mother must be so proud.

Betty EXITS.

MOM
Bring her around again. I like her.
You know, she's right. I don't ask
for much, but would it hurt to just
say, "Thank you" once in a while?

BILL
(giving in) Thanks.

MOM
Now, was that so hard?

Bill EXITS.

MOM
(calling out to Bill) You make
sure you're home by eleven,
Mr. Valentino.

GUY
Hey, Mom, can I have my check please?

Mom walks back to Guy's table.

MOM
Sure. Mom has nothing better to do
than to cater to your every whim.
Did you finish your veggies? When
are you going to get a decent job
like your cousin Silvy? Your hair
is getting awful long.

GUY
Aw, Mom.

FADE OUT:

THE END