Monday Monologues - December 15, 2008

Welcome my friends to Monday Monologues, where with tongue firmly planted in cheek, we poke fun at just about anything under the sports magnifying glass during the last week. If it presents an opportunity, we're going to take it.

During different points last week, Joe Sakic broke a few fingers during a snow blower accident and Bulls guard Derrick Rose accidentally cut himself by rolling over on a knife. Not wanting to be outdone, Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the other thigh and said, "Top That!"

The NFL Hall of Fame intends to review the status of OJ Simpson now that Simpson is a convicted felon, which could possibly result in his losing his place in the illustrious Hall. Speculation is rampant, but if rumors are true, Fred Goldman is expected to take his place in a court settlement.

Early last week a divide formed in the Cowboys locker room after Terrell Owens started telling players that quarterback Tony Romo and tight end Jason Witten had "secret meetings to draw up plays." In truth, Romo and Witten were discussing what to get Owens for Christmas, but now the pair are said to be considering giving him nothing but coal this year.

The Dallas Stars have reached the decision that the suspended Sean Avery won't be allowed to return to the team when his suspension expires and he completes his rehabilitation for anger management. Avery had been suspended for making a comment about other NHL players poaching on his "sloppy seconds", referencing how other players were now seeing former girlfriends. Meanwhile, it has been speculated that Avery's suspension was reduced to six games because of a plea deal with commissioner Gary Bettman, where Bettman would get his pick out of Avery's little black book.

Knicks forward Cuttino Mobley announced last week that he would retire from the NBA due to an ongoing heart condition that appears to be getting worse. After consulting with medical professionals familiar with the condition, Mobley was told that his heart would not be strong enough to weather the ordeal of playing for the Knicks.

Manny Ramirez was quoted last week as telling a friend that he might just retire if he doesn't start seeing the type of offers that he was expecting to roll in soon. But it isn't all that bad for Manny at this stage in his career, as he'd got a burgeoning career as an Ebay seller to fall back on should he not get the millions he is looking for on the free agent market.

Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday night, despite Florida quarterback Tim Tebow receiving the most first place votes, who finished third overall. Al Gore took a moment off from saving the environment and inventing the internet long enough to demand a recount on behalf of the state of Florida, citing voter confusion with the ballot.

Finally, the Brewers were sad to report that Mercedes has opted out of returning as a sponsor for the Picnic Area at Miller Park, citing the current economic situation in the auto industry. Aside from the obvious loss of sponsor dollars, this move is expected to reach further into the picnic area, where Yogi and Boo-Boo will have to return to stealing picnic baskets rather than jacking cars.