Monday Monologues - January 5, 2009

Welcome back one and all. I trust that everyone has enjoyed their holidays thoroughly and that everyone is equally as eager to return to their normal routines of eat, sleep, and work right? Alright, well in honesty, I'm sure none of us are all that eager to do anything beside continue to sleep in and relax. Rather than dwell on the cruelty of eventuality, let's just put it behind us and try to enjoy life, one little bit at a time, starting with this week's Monday Monologues.

- Darren Sproles racked up 328 total yards of offense in San Diego's playoff victory against the Indianapolis Colts on Saturday. Reportedly, the Colts mistook the 5ft 6in, and 181 lbs Sproles for child on the field of play, thinking security would take care of the little guy.

- Charles Barkley was arrested and booked on suspicion of drunk driving after being pulled over for running a stop sign and refusing a breath exam at the scene. Multiple reports have surfaced that Barkley told the officer that he ran the stop sign because he thought his female passenger, had promised to, err, satisfy him. The woman was not identified in the reports, but it is believed that she is not Barkley's wife of 20 years. However, she did bear an unusual resemblance to Ernie Johnson.

- Bill Cowher has announced that he does not intend to coach for any NFL team in 2009. Cowher was flattered by having his name mentioned for just about every opening under the sun, but ultimately decided that the Jets and Browns jobs, which he was most prominently mentioned for, would likely be available again next season.

- The Los Angeles Dodgers have reached an agreement with center fielder Andruw Jones to restructure his contract in hopes of either trading him or releasing him before spring training if a deal cannot be reached. When reached for comment, Jones, who was happy with the arrangement, hoped to catch on with a team where he can show he can still play at a high level. He was quoted as saying, "I am committed to being in the best condition possible by Spring Training. Already, I am lifted one to two donuts at a time."

- The New York Knicks and point guard Stephon Marbury continue to work on a buyout in order to release the troubled former star. Rumors have been flying all over the place of possible landing places for Marbury, with the defending champion Boston Celtics being mentioned recently. When reached for comment, Danny Ainge did not expect the team to acquire the troubled guard, saying that he had already been in contact with the commissioner's office, who told him he'd have to return his Executive Of The Year award as penance.

- Lebron James is upset after being called for a traveling violation on Sunday, sealing the loss on the road for the Cavaliers against the Washington Wizards. James was quoted as saying, "You have your trademark play, and that's one of my plays." Dr. James Naismith rolled over in his grave and released a statement, saying, "Traveling is a signature rule, and that's one of my signature rules."

- Diamondbacks CEO and former player agent Jeff Moorad resigned from his position late last week in order to dedicate his efforts on finalizing a deal to buy the San Diego Padres. The Padres are up for sale, as the John and Becky Moores, the principal owners of the team, are going through a fairly harsh divorce and both own 50 percent of the couples 90 percent share of the team. Moorad hoped that a deal would be completed within the next three months. Upon completion, the couple will then move on to figuring out who gets the family dog.

- Jeff Gordon made a splash last week when he predicted that NASCAR would be able to survive without having to rely on major auto manufacturers, which is viable in today's current economic situation. However, one ambitious reporter reminded Gordon that NASCAR is a racing organization that uses automobiles. Gordon's response was quoted as "oh, yeah".