Monogamy

Ahhh, falling in love. I knew when I met my boyfriend Joe that we would be together forever. I don't usually tell people this but, you look like you can identify. I used to dream about Joe and I and how our life together would be. I dreamt we would get married in a big white church, I'd wear a big white dress, we'd buy a big white house, and have three big white children. Um, nevermind. And then one morning I rolled over and looked over at wonderful, sweet, handsome Joe, stoking his cheek softly, and thought to myself: If I have to sleep with this guy for the rest of my life I think I will go insane! I panicked.

The ring he gave me all of a sudden began to feel restrictive and too heavy to lift off the pillow. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I bolted to the bathroom, put some soap on it, and struggled with it and finally it came off. Then I saw the pain of reality, in the mirror, staring me in the face. "The same man, day in/day out, for the rest of my life!" So I did some research on the internet to check my sanity and see if anyone else felt like me. And then I screamed "Yes I'm not alone!" Apparently, it's those monogamous people who are the real freaks because monogamy, first, goes against natural instinct, second, is just some silly tradition of western society, and finally, honestly, isn't it just a necessary evil of reproduction?

I was reading this article called "Monogamy and its discontents" by William Tucker, writer for the National Review, and he said that the only species on earth that are monogamous are birds and some primates. Actually, another article by Dr.'s David Barash and Judith Lipton discovered that according to DNA tests, even these species are only socially monogamous, not biologically. So I thought to myself, then why are we monogamous? Biology provides a license to sleep around, so why defy biology right. In fact, men can't help it according to the previously cited article by William Tucker. Barnyard studies reveal that after a bull mates with a cow, he becomes exhausted, but present him with another cow and he's right back on task. However, I also found was a quotation from Susanna Cornett stating,

"The needs for affection, security, connection and meaning in life But I'm still not convinced; it has to be something we are taught then. Is she's saying that I need to be monogamous for society to survive? Let me get this straight, you want me to live a life of boredom for a society in which it is socially acceptable for men to be polygamous but not me? Yeah, sure. According to the article "Is monogamy going out of style?" in Jet magazine written by Marti Yarbrough this is exactly what is wanted out of women. But plans to keep women monogamous have gone down the tubes ever since the feminist movement took hold.

We women have been able to get out of the kitchen, get job, take that money we've earned and go to Chip and Dales and shove it down men's underwear. The ultimate polygamous female experience. These are the guys we want; handsome, good body, the whole package. In fact, according to polygamy.com, polygamy is perfect for women seeking this type of man. Think about it, once all the well rounded men are married by the gorgeous supermodel types, what are the regular women left with?

Video-game loving, Man Show watching, beer drinking, football crazed men. It reminds me of something Freud once said, "It is remarkable that, little as men are able to exist in isolation, they should nevertheless feel as a heavy burden the sacrifices that civilization expects of them in order to make a communal life possible." So basically Freud, who thinks every problem comes from repressed sexual desires, is saying that we should have our cake and eat it too. So I can date Joe while I sleep with Rick. Boy, Freud was kinky! The previously cited article by Barash and Lipton states that 85% of societies were polygamous before Judeo-Christian values entered the scene four thousand years ago and ruined promiscuity for all of us.

Today the Mormons keep up the religious tradition of polygamy legally. But without a religion to explain your need to sew those wild oats, you're out of luck. Oh wait, I forgot, even if you're a Mormon woman you're still stuck with one man. According to HolyBible.com, under Moses, men were allowed to have multiple wives, but women were not allowed to have multiple husbands. This is probably because men can impregnate multiple women, while women are stuck with the huge unattractive stomach for 9 months.

Which leads me to my final point, reproduction. I mean, reproduction has to play some role in why we pin ourselves down with monogamy, doesn't it? According to the Tucker article, plain and simple, monogamy is better suited for rearing offspring. Barash and Lipton say that it insures two people will be there to take care of the child. Tucker goes on to state that one reason why monogamy is a better choice when reproducing is because males often tend to get jealous. Well, this comes as no surprise. It's an age old tradition for men to fight over the more desirable women. Why do think all German women are so hot? By the way, I come from a long line of Hoffmaster's and Bergner's.

Anyway, the Vikings sailed around Europe, picking up all the hot chicks with cheesy pick up lines like, "Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons." Eventually they settled in what is today Germany. But then like typical men, they all fought over the most beautiful woman, even though there were plenty to go around. Sounds like a familiar story about a little country called Troy and a beautiful woman named Helen. So the land we know as Germany broke up into a whole bunch of little, war-crazy countries. And until the reunification of Germany, all the men were constantly trying to conquer each other, bragging about the size of their armies.

Obviously, trying to make up for something a little bit smaller! But perhaps the chimps have found the answer to male jealousy. What the chimps do is to ensure that no one male is jealous, the female chimp mates with all the men of their group, therefore alleviating jealousy while ensuring that the whole group of males will share the responsibility of raising the child. You could say they think of it as a "Gang" effort. As Hilary Clinton once said, "It takes a village to raise a child", and Hilary sure does know her fair share about polygamy now doesn't she.

Now that I've explored biology, society, and reproduction as reasons for monogamy, I can't help but think: No wonder there are so many wars going on in the world; people need to have more fun. I mean, if you're a independent person who makes a good amount of money and you have good friends, why tie yourself down. Monogamy doesn't make sense in today's world. You can defy biology, you can block out society, and you can go to a sperm bank. And if you tell me that one day I'll get lonely, I'll tell you: What Joe doesn't know can't hurt him!