Monogamy: Internationally Known, Locally Respected & Grossly Misunderstood

When it comes to monogamy, it seems that everything we know about it seems to be one HUGE misunderstanding. If we look at the practice itself, it's quite simple. However, like everything else on Earth, we silly humans load our own pre-conceived notions, baggage and issues onto monogamy, making it a mountain when it's really a molehill.

Here in the United States, the monogamous union (usually composed of one man and one woman, of course) is put on a pedestal & viewed as a moral, normal & respectable way of life. Any union that deviates outside of the "norm" is considered unacceptable and is shamed by society at large. This includes same-sex relationships, unmarried domestic partnerships, non-monogamous unions and at one point, interracial relationships and marriages that ended in divorce. On the flip side, we have those who demonize & criticize monogamy by implying that practitioners of the lifestyle are somehow sheepish, closed minded, unevolved and perhaps even unnatural. Although this outlook on monogamy is born out of resentment towards society's will to conform the masses, it is just as flawed and offensive as the former.

I've noticed that monogamy bashing has become quite popular as of late. There have been some pretty untrue things said about monogamous relationships, which have sucked me into some heated debates. I've compiled (and cleared up) some common misconceptions that many have about monogamy. Read on:

Monogamy creates jealousy and possessiveness: Jealousy and possessiveness are the children of insecurity and the ego and have absolutely nothing to do with monogamy. A jealous and possessive person had these traits long before any relationship the enter & probably will remain jealous and possessive long after their mate runs for the hills. In addition, there is no relationship that is jealousy and/or possessiveness-proof, as these emotions transcend romantic/sexual connections. We often see one sibling jealous of another, parents who are possessive of their children and friends who are jealous of each other.

Only needy people enter monogamous relationships: Not really. If you're an independent person with a lot going on prior to a relationship, why would this change all of a sudden? A relationship merely enhances your already awesome life, not make it complete.

If someone is needy, there is something going on within themselves that is unrelated to monogamy. More likely than not, they're looking for something (or someone) outside of themselves to make them happy. Of course, this plan never works out for the best.

If you're in a monogamous relationship, you're not allowed to check out people: Says who? Just because you're in a monogamous relationship, it doesn't mean you're suddenly blind to the beauty of others.

Now if you're thinking of actually doing something about that crush, you may either want to assess the relationship or examine if monogamy is for you. Otherwise, eyeball away!

Monogamy is unnatural: The CNN article written by Christopher Ryan titled "Monogamy unnatural for our sexy species" is what gave birth to this editorial, because I really take exception to any absolute assertions such as this one. I don't think it's necessary to debunk societal conditioning by bashing the preferred practice as "unnatural". Not long ago, it was argued that homosexuality was unnatural, yet we all know this isn't the case. I believe that Ryan's argument is cut from the same cloth.

I've known of people who (through trial & error) found that monogamy is the romantic practice that works for them while others discovered that they're happiest being non-monogamous. Both groups are just doing what is right & natural for them.

Let's look at the literal definition of monogamy via Merriam-Webster:

mo• nog• a• myDefinition of MONOGAMY1 archaic: the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

In short- monogamous relationships are neither unions of God or the devil, but merely the practice of being with one mate at a time (even if it's for a month). If you noticed, Merriam-Webster noted that the first definition was archaic because being married only once in a lifetime is a rarity in modern society. The fact of the matter is that nothing lasts forever, including monogamous relationships.

Even if we find one mate that we spend the rest of our lives with, it's inevitable that the union will be separated by death (either our own or our partner's). Though the surviving partner will grieve the loss of their loved one, eventually they'll move on and perhaps even find love again. Then of course, there are relationships where the partner doesn't die, but the love does & a couple goes their separate ways. Many people feel that a breakup indicates a failure in a relationship or within themselves; however the relationship hasn't failed, it's just ran its course.

For far too long, our self-worth has been tied with with our romantic relationships & marriages (or money, material possessions, etc.). Just in the last century, it was frowned upon for a woman in her 30s to remain single. This was also the same society that stigmatized divorce, deeming it "bad for the children". Even today, young women and men alike face pressure from family and friends to find a "nice person to settle down with". If a person decides to forgo parenthood, they are criticized and considered "selfish" by their peers. Politicians often marry as a career move because living the single life doesn't appeal to voters. One of the results of such pressure are the recent influx of scandals which involve closeted gay politicians. Many people fault the pressure of conformity on the practice of monogamy. However, the real problem isn't monogamy itself, but the expectations we (as a society) place on love and relationships.

While I agree that the time has come to challenge such beliefs, condemning or doing away with conventional practices (in this case, monogamy) will not free us of society's mental conditioning. We will just attach all that baggage to something else. There are many things in this world that should be fought against, but I don't think monogamy is one of them.