M.O.O.C.H. Holds Annual Pre-Halloween Meeting, Discusses "Is it Immoral to Steal Halloween Candy from Your Children?"

Mothers of Obnoxious Candy Hoarders (M.O.O.C.H.) met on October 17^th in Shawnee, Kansas, to prepare for Halloween. "We MOOCHers like to gather two weeks before major candy-earning holidays to get our game plans straight," explains M.O.O.C.H. president and co-founder, Rachel Sanders. "Where are the best places to take our kids to maximize our candy-earning potential? Halloween is, far and away, our biggest holiday. Easter is second best. Valentine's Day is third, and Christmas, I hate to say, is last--it's great for new toys, but not great for bringing in bucket-loads of candy."

Sanders, 37, and her best friend, Amy Jarvis, 36, founded M.O.O.C.H. in 2003. "My 4-year-old daughter's near-fatal overconsumption of Halloween candy in '03 forced us to confront this serious issue head-on," Jarvis says. "For years I'd sneaked candy from my children's Halloween spoils, but Mackenzie's trip to the emergency room made me realize that I wasn't doing enough. We moms have to be pro-active in helping our helpless children eat their candy. All that sugar shouldn't be inflicted on their sweet, helpless little bodies. It's up to responsible moms to step up to the plate and take one for the team. Or, in this case, take at least 30 mini-Snickers bars. It's the least we can do."

All 57 members of M.O.O.C.H. gathered in Jarvis' backyard for a weenie roast, followed by the traditional Chocolate Gorge ceremony. "Most of us don't eat much candy between Easter and Halloween, so the 'Chocolate Gorge' is necessary to reactivate our bodies' chocolate-digesting enzymes," states Sanders. "If our enzymes are too sluggish or out-of-practice, we won't be able to eat as much of our children's candy, and that puts our children at risk." After the women endured five grueling rounds of chocolate onslaughts (Butterfingers, Snickers, Reeses peanut butter cups, Nestle Crunch, and Almond Joy), they were subjected to "The Destroyer"--a pound of candy corn, mixed with Sweet Tarts, Skittles, M&M's, Jolly Ranchers, and peanut taffy.

Dawn Barker, 42, vomited in Jarvis' bushes midway through the Almond Joy round. Kelly Henderson, 35, completed the chocolate onslaughts in record time, but could not handle The Destroyer. "The peanut taffy ruins me. It's so...so gross. Who are the monsters who give this cheap crap out to innocent children, year after year?" she muttered before passing out on Jarvis' lawn chair.

The other 55 MOOCHers paced themselves, and earned their gold medals for "Guts of Steel." With their medals proudly displayed, the women broke into groups to map out their children's trick-or-treating routes. The women agreed that Oak Park Mall and the Granite Falls Estates subdivision give out the best candy. "The Schwimmers, in that brick mansion on the corner of Elm and 53^rd, give out king-size Snickers bars!" Caitlin Cook, 38, exclaimed.

Heather Green, 31, shocked the women in attendance by bursting into tears and admitting that she "felt guilty" whenever she stole candy from her children. "Wouldn't it be easier to stop collecting so much candy in the first place?" she said.

Outraged, sugar-crazed MOOCHers descended on Green, stripped off her gold medal, and pelted her with Jolly Ranchers. Jarvis activated her sprinkler system, soaking the women, while Sanders begged the hysterical mob to "sit down and shut up."

With order restored to the proceedings, Sanders declared, "Heather is one of us! A fellow MOOCHer! MOOCHers must stick together! Halloween is our time to shine! Are you ready to shine, ladies?!"

"Aye, aye, captain!" the wet women proclaimed.

Sanders continued, "Heather has clearly forgotten MOOCHer rule number one: Do not question the morality of your actions. Where children and candy are concerned, we must act swiftly. There is no room for hesitation or second-guessing! Our children accumulate massive amounts of candy on Halloween night, and try to hoard it all. They want lollipops for breakfast, candy bars for lunch, and gummy eyeballs for supper! What do we say to these obnoxious, candy-hoarding children of ours?!"

"NO!" the MOOCHers cried.

"We wait until they're asleep, and then we steal all their Kit Kats!" Whitney Nickum, 29, added.

"I take all the chocolate with nuts in it because my kids are too young to have nuts anyway," Stephanie Gunther, 28, said. "I don't even wait till they're asleep. I make them hand over the Mr. Goodbars and Baby Ruths as soon as we get home on Halloween night."

"My husband and I split all the Reeses peanut butter cups," said Jenny Williams, 39. "I take all the Mounds and Almond Joys because he doesn't like coconut, and, um, we fight over the Twizzlers and Starburst. But we make sure we don't eat any of the Blow Pops or Dum Dums, because those are my kids' favorites."

Beth Schumacher, 41, chimed in. "Yeah! My kids don't even like chocolate! I let 'em have their bubble gum and lollipops as long as they keep their rooms clean. But the chocolate is mine. I gave birth to them. They owe me their Milky Ways and Three Musketeers."

"Now, now, ladies!" Sanders asserted, "Remember--we eat our children's candy because we love them. It's not stealing; it's loving. When we eat our children's candy, secretly, in the middle of the night, we send a clear message. Too much sugar in our babies' bellies leads to wild behavior--jumping on beds, hitting, screaming, kicking, name-calling. A tantrum avoided is a happy mommy gained. Let's all make sure we're happy mommies in those candy-abundant days immediately following Halloween! Remember the 75% Rule!"

"What's the '75% Rule'?" Heather asked, as she removed the last of the sticky, half-melted Jolly Ranchers from her face.

"Duh!" Jasmine Meeker, 34, exclaimed. "On Halloween night, after your kids are in bed, remove 75% of the candy from your children's goodie bags. That's your cut! The rest is theirs to do with as they please."

"But my kids are smart," Heather said. "They'd notice if I took that much candy out of their bags..."

"Are you calling my kids stupid?"

Jarvis stepped between Jasmine and Heather. "Ladies! Jasmine, sweetie, your kids aren't stupid. Reggie's not, anyway. The 75% Rule can only be applied to children under the age of 5. For kids ages 6 and up, we ask that you follow the 50% Rule. When your older kids demand to know what happened to half of their candy, don't say a word. They'll eventually blame their sibling or dog or cat, or Dad. No one ever suspects Mom." Jarvis smiled, adding, "Is it immoral to steal candy from our children? Is it immoral to tell stories about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny? Clearly, the answer is no."

M.O.O.C.H. concluded their meeting by singing the M.O.O.C.H. hymn, "Stealthily We Eat Candy So Sweet." Heather played piano, and Jasmine accompanied her on harmonica. After the MOOCHers had all gone home to their husbands and children, Sanders and Jarvis cleaned up the candy wrappers and vomit.

"M.O.O.C.H. isn't for everyone," Sanders admits. "But women who are interested in joining should bribe us with expensive chocolate right away. Halloween is just around the corner."