More Airline Humor - Part Two

A female passenger, when the coach lavatory wasn't working, asked the flight attendant to get the Captain to page a plumber!

Tips for Aspiring Flight Attendants:

Oven mitts help create the illusion of hot meals!
Effective pretzel/nut distribution is the key to happy passengers!
Fashion hint: practice scarf arrangements.
Always remember that "Yes, for sure." (means "NO.")
Remember that no amount of lip gloss can hide your inner torments, always smile!
Never neglect to build on your soap, lotions, match book and business card collections when on a layover...think retirement!
Do not attempt to dispense spiritual or psychological advice: remember, you are a waitress on fast-moving vehicle!

Please Board Your Aircraft...NOW!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as h$ll everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 001 to LAX. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite. Or, if you seated next to a child or someone acting like a child...."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have one very spacious lavatory located in the rear of the aircraft....no, really, we've been approved to attach a pull-along-camper to the tail of the plane, while in flight."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Our airline is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.And if you are feeling particularly rich today, continue to smoke in the lavatory to the tune of $2500 per light."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

TRAVEL STORIES:

While sitting in the upper deck business class front seat of a Cathay Pacific 747 in Taipei, the following announcement was heard over the cabin PA system: "Ladies and gentlemen, we are overbooked and are offering anyone $1,000 plus a seat on the next flight in exchange for their seat on this flight."
After a short pause, someone in the cockpit loudly accepted the offer.

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum shatters the peace. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Two blondes were on a 747 flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced, "One of the engines has failed... But don't worry we have three engines left. However, the flight will be an hour longer". Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed...But don't worry we have two engines left. However, the flight will be two hours longer." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed... But don't worry we have one engine left. However, the flight will be three hours longer." One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever"

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a
while to find a new pilot."

Once the passenger boarded and was seated, the flight attendant came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." She responded, "Superman don't need no plane."

Some of my own funny stories....

While cleaning an express jet cabin, the flight attendant encountered a cranky passenger who was insistent she express her right to say "no" to something requested of her by the flight crew. And she was determined to find out what that was since she couldn't say "no" to the flight attendant's requests that she return her tray table and seat back to their upright position, re-fasten her seatbelt and turn off her I-pod, all in preparation for landing. To the flight attendant's final request of "Ma'am, I need your trash from the back of the seat in front of you," she proudly responded, "Nope, I think we can leave that for the cleaning crew." The flight attendant promptly and just as proudly responded "I AM the cleaning crew."

Flight attendants dearly love to practice their "seatbelt Gestapo" techniques in flight, particularly for those passengers who are insistent on hopping up just as soon as the airplane's wheels lift off the ground. During one particular incident, an irate gentleman hopped up and bounded down the aisle, while the flight attendant was preparing service. The flight attendant reminded the passenger of his need for adherance to the seatbelt sign's present illumination status to which he replied that he had been up for several hours and desperately needed use of the facilities. Again, the flight attendant reminded him concerning the illuminated seatbelt light. He responded, thinking himself very smart and funny, "Well, then, do you have an empty container that I might use in order to relieve myself?" The flight attendant responded, equally smart and funny, "No sir, unless you wish to risk an indecent exposure charge. Again, please be seated."

Hope you giggled a bit...hope to see you on the next flight! Fly safe!