More Pen and Pants

"Maybe, I guess that might be why I'm dark. I don't know whats driving me to these actions slash thoughts." He isn't looking at me, and I can't tell if he wants more 'insight' from me or not. I gave up trying to fix him a long time ago.

"I'll stop speculating." The room is too smokey, my eye is starting to hurt. Its strange when our bodies hurt. I really don't like it. Over spring break I damaged my I.T. band, I think its called the I.T. band. We were in Tennessee and I still can't jog, but I can sprint. What an injury. I can't do what I don't enjoy, but I still can compete in what I do enjoy.

"No, I think your speculating correctly." I am astonished I have never had him tell me to keep going. Usually there is something he wants to argue about. It used to be that even if he knew I was right, or I knew he was right, we'd still argue until neither of us could come up with the next best argument. It was never arguments to really win, it might have been that way for him, they were more testing of our ability to argue, to formulate strong ideas, even if they were about weak things. "I think the only reason why I have ever used porn or masturbation was because I was alone, or needed something to be filled. I needed the comfort or understanding that cannot be gained that way. It never did anything for me. It never helped me give like I was supposed too. I didn't really use it until this past summer, I had way too much time on my own." The room is very smoky and the fact that all the fans are on, means that the smoke is everywhere, not just up. The place isn't very crowded, almost empty, but still loud.

"Did you feel abandoned by God, way back when." I feel strange asking questions. I don't like it at all. I never seem to have any good questions to ask. They always seem so lame, so cliche.

"Yeah I guess so, I guess I feel that God has just stopped talking to me. Back in high school God gave me so much, God did so many things for me. When I was a freshman I prayed all the time about getting close Christian friends. I didn't have any. Then God gave me so many close Christian friends, I thought I needed to do something in return, maybe thats why I always wanted to start a revolution. I don't know." He always wanted to be revolutionary, we all did. Some of us were more afraid of it than others. I was afraid of it. I always seemed too weak to do anything. I wanted to be the support, never the guy everyone looked to to get things done. He was always ready for the next crazy thing he could do to prove his readiness. There were even a couple of our guys who jumped off Tressel. Tressel is a train bridge in E.C. that, people speculate, is eighty to ninety feet tall. I never could, I was too afraid. I wouldn't even go cliff jumping when the other guys would go. Man, I was a little girl, maybe I still am. As far as revolutions go though, we did create a Male Crochet Club, which became huge. It never went beyond crocheting, coffee, and conversation. We did play Super Smash Bro's.

"Do you have to give back?" I keep asking questions, as if what I ask could change a whole lot. Its really about what he believes and what God does.

"I've never thought about it, I've always assumed that I must give. That I was given much, so much is expected. I guess I've always felt that I can't have anything for free, that there is always an expectation for me to give back, or I need to be able to offer something in return. I hate getting things from my parents. I always try to rationalize that its not an inconvenience for them, or that they don't need what they are giving me." Sometimes I know the answers before he answers. Is it bad to ask then? Sometimes I've known them for a while. Sometimes I feel as if part of me is driving the conversation to get other people to answer how I want them to answer. Is that manipulation? I hope not. I don't want to ever manipulate anyone.

"Could it be that we are not required to give at all? Other than the fact that we are designed that way? We are, inadvertently, going to give. I mean if God is the creator, something outside of time, creates a world inside of time. At a moment when time doesn't matter, meaning God has always been and always will be, by the very nature of there being no time, why would God create something? Because God needs it? Or just because? I doubt God needed to create us. God is God and is self sustaining to the deepest meaning of the word. So if that is the case how can we be 'expected' to give to God, give to a being that needs nothing, and hardly requires anything. If God needs nothing how can God require something. I think the only requirements are on us to be required. I believe that God has set a certain way to live, a way we must require ourselves to live, or we will not be able to live in the least, because God has set down laws and rules. But we, by the definition of life are free from any death created by the breaking of these rules. Maybe you are supposed to give nothing, yet must give everything. Maybe you feel abandonded because there is nothing that you are supposed to give, and you can only hear that God wants something from you. Maybe you are just supposed to live as great as you can, which means just dwelling in what God is and what God has done. You'll most likely do great things just because that is the result of living in a life that is required by you as the creation. Because you have been created you are are already a difference and already free." Feeling fine. Then the conversation took a weird turn. Aliens are very interesting.