More People We Can Eliminate

As a service to mankind, I have officially named myself judge, jury and executioner of people I hate. In past articles (Some People Who Can Go Bye-Bye and More People I Hate), I have presented some of the most annoying individuals fame has to offer. Once again, I am full of rage and ready to exact my special brand of justice on yet another collection of brainless twits who are pissing me off.

Here's the latest list of turds who need to be flushed down the crapper of life.

Jon & Kate

Let's change the name of their show to Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus 2. Then we take Mom and Dad out back, beat them with baseball bats and bury them in the backyard beneath the swing set. It's the only hope those eight kids have of living a normal life.

Roger Clemens

Despite mounting evidence, Clemens vehemently denies using performance enhancing drugs. Nevertheless, it seems pretty certain that Roger's ability to keep giving hitters the high, hard one at an advanced age was due to some kind of help from the wonderful world of pharmaceuticals. And speaking of "mounting evidence," there are claims that the Rocket was also giving the high, hard one to "family friend" and country singer Mindy McCready back when she was jailbait and not yet a total whack job.

Tori Spelling

Sure, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears are incredibly stupid and self-absorbed, but they ain't too bad to look at. Tori Spelling is incredibly stupid and self-absorbed and hideous too. According to my rules, incredibly stupid and self-absorbed, but ain't too bad to look at gets a reprieve from the governor. Incredibly stupid and self-absorbed and hideous gets lethal injection. It's the humane thing to do.

David and Victoria Beckham

I don't give a crap about these people. Despite rolling in dough, "Becks" apparently can't afford a shirt and "Posh" is in dire need of a sandwich. Americans complain all the time about Mexicans illegally entering the U.S., but the Beckhams are a good example of why legal entry into our country isn't necessarily a good thing either. Send their skinny asses packing!

Anyone who says there is a "liberal bias" in the media

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, Glenn Beck, Michael Savage, Lou Dobbs, Michael Medved, George Will, Patrick Buchanan, Ollie North, and Bill Bennett are just some of the "liberals" regularly popping up on both radio and television. That doesn't even include all of the geniuses we see on that think tank known as FOX News Channel. How many more Neanderthals do we need on the airwaves?

Sherri Shepherd

This co-host of The View is so amazingly brain dead, she may singlehandedly lead to repeal of both the 15^th and 19^th Amendments. Black men along with women of all colors should unite and push her off the edge of the flat Earth she thinks we live on before it's too late.

The ShamWow Guy

I have a great idea for this obnoxious prick's next infomercial. I take his headset and wrap it around his skinny neck until he passes out and falls on the floor, cracking his head open and bleeding to death. Then I soak up the blood with a ShamWow and wring it out on his dead ass. Who wouldn't buy one after seeing that?

Any of the dozens of talentless nobodies whose names we don't know yet, but will be hearing about constantly when they have their 15 minutes of fame on some brainless reality show

Let's hunt these people down and kill them now so we don't have to deal with them later!

Celebrities having multiple births

What the hell is in the water in Hollywood? Why are they all having twins? How is that possible? Brad and Angelina, Dennis Quaid and the blonde chick who ain't Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts and that guy she's married to, JLo and the puny, sickly-looking Latin singer. This, of course, means twice as many screwed up kids with stupid names. Seriously, should a guy as f**ked up as Charlie Sheen be having any kids, let alone two at a time?