More Stories of Idiots Who Don't Deserve a Computer

It's been about a month now since I stopped working for ABC internet support but I still can't believe some of the stupid things people asked me at work. They should all feel lucky they talked to me over the phone; if I had seen them face to face I would simply have taken their computers away from them.

Call 3: You don't understand how this works, do you?

Me: ABC Computer Internet help desk, can I have your phone number starting with area code ...(verify information)... So, how can I help you?

Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Me: Okay, what happens when you try to log on?

Customer: It won't let me through.

Me: Okay, does it give you an error message?

Customer: No, it just says no dial tone.

Me: Okay, so it says no dial tone?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Alright, first off that is the error message right there so if I or someone else ever asks you if there is an error message that's what we mean.

Customer: Alright.... Sounding depressed now ... Keep in mind I don't really know much about computers.

Me: That's okay sir, that's why my colleagues and I are here 24 hours a day. Even if your computer stops working at three in the morning someone will be here to take your call.

I always have to cheer them up when they start sounding down. I learned really quickly a sad person won't do anything I tell them.

Customer: That's good to know. So, do we know what's wrong with my computer?

Me: Let's go through some things and check. Is your computer plugged into the wall?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Both electrically and via a phone cord?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Alright. Is the phone cord plugged into the correct slot on the back of the computer? There should be more then one.

Customer: There is more then one. Do I want it in the one that says phone or line?

Me: We want the computer plugged into the one that says line. The phone slot is for if you literally wanted to run a phone through your computer.

Customer: Okay, I changed that and it still says no dial tone.

Me: Okay, are you calling me from a cell phone or from your home phone?

Customer: A cell phone. That's the only phone I have.

Me: Alright, so can you... wait, the only phone you have is a cell phone?

Customer: Yep, that's what I'm talking to you on right now.

Me: So you don't own any landline phones?

Customer: Nope. Why?

Me: Do you have landline phone service then?

Customer: No, why would I have phone service if I don't own any phones?

Me: But you have dial up internet... right?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Sir, dial up internet needs a phone line to plug into. That's what dial up means.

Customer: I have a phone line plugged into the computer.

Me: But it's plugged into a dead jack!

Customer: So?

Me: Sigh... Can I put you on hold for a moment?

Customer: Sure, but why? Do you need to call your manager?

Me: Yeah, I think I do.