More Uncalled-for Content

Rats-a-roni, the S.F. treat! Did I miss another of those famous content calls? To make matters worse, this one offered a generous up-front bounty a fellow could retire on, if he had 15 seconds to live. The opportunity was to seek and find ten suitable suitors for the still-single ex-first daughter of Alaska, Bristol Palin, who seems to have resigned her title by proxy last year. Well, never mind, the devoted scribes of the Yahoo subset heard the clarion call to come to Miss Palin's aid. And here, better late than never, is the contribution from this dedicated scribe, who is so enamored of the Palin family, he is even willing to work for no frontage at all.

Poor Bristol Palin! Not only has Levi Johnston dropped her like a used device for the prevention of disease only, Levi Strauss has repossessed all her unpaid-for jeans and Levis Hot Dogs of Philadelphia has nixed her as a spokesmodel. What next?

Well, there's no point in crying over spilt milk when there is so much spilt scotch around to weep copious and abundant tears for. It's time for this matchmaker to start making some matches.

I will list my top prospects in the order they come to mind. While some of them might be technically married, a minor detail like that should not stop such a family of go-getters. Please keep in mind, that, in finding a mate for the winsome Bristol, her mother's prestige and peace of mind will be uppermost in my thoughts. Here we go.

1. Rush Limbaugh

Granted, Ma Palin might find Señor Limbaugh squishy-soft (relatively speaking) on some core Republican values, I think she can somehow reconcile herself to the notion that his heart is sort of in the right place.

Also, if Bristol hooks up with Rush, she is getting more that a husband. She is getting a reliable "connection," so to speak. Gosh, I wonder if I even need go any further.

2. Charles Manson

Let me, he said in an uncalled-for burst of magnanimity, stop imagining I can simply hand ideas down from on high, without taking a moment to consider the young lady's feelings in the matter. Before I go any further, I need to walk a mile in her high-heeled mukluks, then soak my feet for the rest of the day.

Having done so, it occurred to me that, perhaps after all that out-of-wedlock folderol, Bristol Palin wants nothing more than to be left alone. If she marries Charlie Manson, she'll get that in spades.

I don't know if they allow the guy conjugal visits, but I do know he keeps flunking his parole hearings, due to the technicality of being loony-tunes. But then, some would say Manson is still slightly saner than Sarah, and she's been out on parole for as long as anyone can remember. It just goes to show, the philosopher Chuck Berry would remind us, you never can tell.

3. Perez Hilton

Of course, the unforeseen could happen in a marriage with that 2d guy. He could get his way with Miss Palin, under one strange circumstance or another. With this selection, though, Bristol Palin's desire to be left alone would be entirely fulfilled.

The only drawback would be that she'd have to let her beard grow out.

4. Moe Szyslak

Of course a good ol' red-blooded working-class gal like Bristol might consider that 3^rd guy a bit too hoity-toity for her taste. In that case, here is a working stiff who will leave her just as alone. Why is that, you may ask. Because he's a cartoon! Doyyyyyy!

5. Seth MacFarlane

Speaking of cartoons, let us pause for a moment and imagine our subject, not as a gloomy, put-upon adolescent, but, instead, as a devilish girl with a rollicking sense of humor. She must have been convulsing in paroxysms of laughter when an episode of MacFarlane's creation, Family Guy, had the oldest son dating a teen with the opposite of ups syndrome, who claimed to be the daughter of the governor of Alaska.

I'm just taking a shot here that maybe Bristol wants to really and truly honk her mom off. If not, well, there are still more to choose from.

6. Steve Forbes

A marriage to this fellow would reap unbounded benefits. For one thing, the couple would never run out of things to talk about. Whatever happened to be on Bristol's mind at any given time, hubby Steve would be sure to turn the subject to his 10% flat tax plan.

And, surely, a guy who believes he should get such a drastic reduction in the taxes he pays on his vast fortune, to be offset by those who are just barely scraping by coughing up their own 10% of the just barely, would warm the cockles of Sarah's heart.

Finally, if Bristol did marry a guy who could easily wipe himself with fifty-dollar bills, her mom could stay stylish and fashionable without having to bilk the Republican Party. This one looks like a keeper.

7. Mel Gibson

Your narrator would never, in his wildest imagination, assert that all women are like this, or even most of them, but, let's face it, ladies, some of you actually thrive on abuse. Oh, Mr. Gibson, we have a gig for you...

8. Chris Brown

But then, there are some who would say that Gibson is all talk and no action. Fine, how about Chris Brown, then? I'm sure he's looking for a lady who can take a punch. Do you hear wedding bells, Bristol, or is that just the ringing in your ears from your first date with the pugilistic Mr. Brown?

9. Herb Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud's younger, even more militant brother has only two wives, at this point, so he is clearly "in the market."

Herb's intense hatred of America should make him an ideal son-in-law for Bristol's secessionist dad. Also, consider that if anything should "happen" to older Brother Mah, then Herb would be the big cheese, and the newly-elevated Bristol could reign in splendor as First Concubine. How, like, awesome would that be?

10. Anne Heche

Not making any judgments, here...just putting the option out if that's the road the young lady wishes to travel.

Well, there you have my top ten prospects for Bristol Palin in her quest for happily-a-little-while-after. Though this essay has been chock-a-block with mendacity, none of that commodity should lead you to conclude that Bristol Palin should someday be the First Daughter of the nation. And I mean, ever!

Sources

Wikipedia

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