Mother of the Bride: How to Survive Your Daughter's Wedding

Carole had already been out of work for six months when her daughter, 28, began planning a dream wedding. She was deeply happy for her only child. However, as she listened to Laura and Scott's expectations for an elaborate affair, she began to panic. It wasn't long before she felt guilty and wondered how, as mother of the bride, she would survive her daughter's wedding.

Sources of Stress

What often starts out with an engagement ring and a hive of family activity can quickly turn into dread. There are lots of reasons why stress at times trumps joy.

Cost. According to Cost of Wedding, American couples spend an average of $24,066 on a wedding. That figure becomes even more sobering in a down economy because it doesn't even include the cost of an engagement ring or a honeymoon. While some couples set a budget and quickly let their families know their preferences, others are mum. This is a huge stress on a parent. It's also the reason that more than one prospective bridesmaid has declined to be part of the wedding party.

Blended families. It's not uncommon to have to sort out a tangle for the definition of "family" these days. Often one or both of a bride's parents have been married at least twice. Within the mix of stepparents and stepsiblings, who "should" be responsible for what when it comes to a wedding? There are at least as many opinions as there are people.

Bridezilla. Many a mother of the bride--MOB--has been horrified to watch her normally reasonable daughter turn into a Bridezilla. Celebrate with Style says MOBs should expect lots of sudden mood swings, crying and repeated questions from their daughters.

Venue. Many brides insist on destination weddings. If the location is a problem for friends and family but the happy couple can't be talked out of it, mothers of brides can expect a lot of arguments and pleading from their daughters.

The ceremony. As part of a secular trend, more and more ceremonies are held in hotels, gazebos, and other spots that aren't houses of worship. This is particularly true when the bride and groom are of different faiths or one is changing his or her religion. When neither practices a particular religion, the ceremony and reception sometimes appear to be a party on wheels. This can be upsetting to a parent who has strong feelings that the events should be sacramental or faith-based.

How to Survive

The first step for a mother of the bride trying to survive her daughter's wedding is to acknowledge that the process won't be entirely roses and giggling. Here are some specific survival tactics.

Set early limits. Parents need to be specific about what they can and can't do. If the couple is flipping through glossy folders leading toward a $50,000 wedding that's out of the question, parents should make it clear exactly how much and in which ways they will contribute. Sometimes a mother of the bride is shocked to hear what her daughter expects. It's important to establish limits early so that the couple can either adjust their expectations or take on more of the responsibility themselves.

Consider a wedding planner. There are good ones, and there are bad ones. Some charge a reasonable amount, while others don't. If a mom has circumstances--health, job, strained relationship with other family members--that warrant hiring a wedding planner to do some of the MOB work, it's worth considering.

Realize it's HER wedding. Moms are great rescuers. If the bride hasn't taken stated limits seriously and has overcommitted resources or time to the wedding, she or her fiance will eventually push a panic button. Don't rescue. Realize that it's her wedding. This is especially true when it comes to events like choosing a wedding gown.

Zip the lips. Attending the wedding and associated events might involve interacting with individuals linked to unpleasant memories. Nobody needs a fracas at a wedding. This is the time to zip the lips, smile briefly, and perhaps keep a distance.

Let her vent. Celebrate with Style advises that often the best thing a mom can do is allow her daughter to vent her emotions when the inevitable obstacles appear. Part of the process involves steering clear of any bridal battlefield as far as options for the wedding. MOBs should accept that their daughters will be demanding. After the outburst, it's important to try to calmly deal with the obstacle.

Just one day. It's true that most weddings require months of planning. However, a mother of the bride might find it easier to survive her daughter's wedding if she realizes, as the date on the calendar approaches, that she only has to get through one more day.

Sources:

http://www.costofwedding.com/

http://www.celebratewithstyle.com/site/survival-guide-tips-for-the-mother-of-bride

Personal experience