Mother to Daughter, Inheriting My Religion

With the prospect of getting married and having children some day, it occurred to me in my early 20's, that I would no doubt have an influence on the religious choices of my offspring. I wanted for my children to believe in God, as I do, and I wanted for them to one day read the bible, and take away from it all the important life lessons I feel it has to offer. How could I accomplish the task of enlightening them, without scarring (or scaring) them? How could I do this without forcing it upon them, as was done to me, when I was a child?

My parents joined their "religion of choice" when I was 5 years old. I was in kindergarten at the time, and I recall being kept apart from the other children in school, as they did various holiday-related arts and crafts. The teacher's instructions were to have me color kitties and puppies while everyone else made "cool" things like Jack-O-Lanterns and Valentines. I remember being pitied by my peers, because my family didn't have a Christmas tree. (We usually spent Christmas with relatives, but we never gave gifts- embarrassingly enough, we only received them).

Religion was the dominant factor in both how I was raised, and in how my parents treated me. "Spare the rod, spoil the child", was something they never shied away from. At the same time, I was told that I was special to God, but that in order to remain special, I must refrain from doing many of the things that other children my age were typically allowed to do.

I was taught:

*All holidays were pagan, except perhaps Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Thanksgiving.

*Eating shrimp or bacon (or anything which may include gelatin as an ingredient) was "unclean".

*Everybody I loved (aunts, uncles, grandparents) who were not in my church, were "evil".

The list goes on...

I was sent to private school for first grade, and over the next 10 years I learned just how disturbing my (parent's) religion could be. In my class, there was one boy who was African-American. Although he was a minister's son, he sat on the sidelines every year, in dance class. Leaders of the church felt that dancing might somehow lead to sex, and in our church, interracial relations were generally frowned upon.

My best friend was a girl who lived just down the street. She and I took an immediate liking to each other, however, she was not in my church. Although my mother was the one who introduced us, she thought my friend was a horrible influence (she and her "worldly" ways). Meanwhile, in my supposedly sheltered private school environment, I was learning which kids could supply me with drugs, if I so wanted them. Not that I ever did.

In my mid teens, I learned first-hand the effects of religion on both marriage and divorce. If one spouse dies, the other can remarry. However, if there is a divorce, the only way one can remarry is if the other leaves the church. (I hear from people in other religions that this is common). My parents divorced when I was 16, and it was my dad who ended up leaving. He never did remarry, but he continued to study the bible, throughout the remainder of his life.

Scripture says "Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the lord thy God giveth thee". (I know the 10 commandments -long version- by heart). But when I reached 16, I felt that I'd had enough with honoring blindly. I started to question everything, and in my opinion, rightfully so.

Attend a church of any faith, and they will claim that they are the "one true religion". If you are not a member, you are a sinner and will not be saved. Considering this, I now believe that there is no one true religion. How could there be? If you are worshipping God the best way you know how (and I'm not talking about murderers who go to confession on Sundays!), then who cares what group you're affiliated with?

I used to believe in the idea that God spoke through ministers, priests, etc. This is something I had to start to question, because there is no proof that God has chosen any of them for such a privilege. Think about it. Anyone can get a PhD in Theology! All these people are doing is giving their own take on the scriptures, and passing them along to their flock. Why should I give that any special regard?

Every week, the sermon was on the latest subject d'jour. Scriptures were carefully chosen by the minister to (in my opinion) influence the listener to completely buy whatever message he was selling. This meant only the verses pertaining to the topic were actually read. I would carefully turn the pages of my bible until I reached the chosen verse, and then read along. I often continued on, noting that many times, the next verse would negate (or change) the desired message. So I began to think for myself. And damn, it felt good!

I'm married now, and my children are 3 and 4 ½ years old. I can say that the task of enlightenment still remains a bit of a mystery. My husband was not seriously involved with any religion growing up, and sometimes isn't even sure he believes in God. Like myself, he does not believe in organized religion. Therefore, our family does not attend church, nor do we make it a point to sit down with a bible and read. I do not make my children pray (even though I continue to do so myself). However, my daughter knows that I believe there is a God, who created all living things. She asks questions, and I give simple answers. I tell her what I believe to be true, and yet make sure she knows that she does not have to share (and thus inherit) my beliefs! (She told me the other day that she does not believe in Angels. I can understand that. She's never seen one. How can I expect a 4 ½ yr old to believe in something she can't see?)

I want my kids to be open-minded about all kinds of religions, cultures, and so on. I want them to be understanding to the fact that all people are different, and that God (if my daughter or son chooses to believe in Him) loves them no matter what church they belong to. If they are true to themselves, and are good people at heart, I can't ask for anything more. I will have done my job as a parent.