Mother May I

As a child, whenever I asked my mother "Can I..." do something, she would say "You can if you are able." It must have taken me a long time to learn the difference between the words "can" and "may" because she had to repeat it so often. To this day I have never said, "Mother may I..." except when playing a game of the same name. Try as I might to remember to say, "Mother may I..." to my mother, it is always, "Mom, can I get you anything else before I leave?". She often said she wanted her children to call her "mother", but none of us did. She is 89 now, and we still refer to her as "mommy" and call her "mom". Sadly she is in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease and does not seem to notice.

In the United States the second Sunday in the month of May is designated as a day to honor our mothers. Retailers and advertisers bombard us with reminders of the event which stirs up memories of our mothers. Not everyone has had a Hallmark type relationship with their mothers, so Mothers Day memories are not always a good thing. Ironically the original concept of Mothers Day was to unite women interested in disarmament and a call for peace. Today it is all about showing our mothers appreciation.

People will say, "but she's your mother" or "you only have one mother" if a person chooses not to send the mom who verbally or physically abused her a big bouquet of flowers and gushy sentimental greeting cards. We must honor our mothers, no matter what. That is fine if ones mother was a saint, like mine, but bearing a child does not a mother make. Sometimes it is hard to find kind words to say about a mother that routinely beat you as a child, sometimes harshly enough to break an arm or leg. Mothers desert children. They leave them in the care of boyfriends who sexually abuse them. Some neglect them which is often the worst form of abuse.

Having unkind thoughts about our mothers can bring up feelings of guilt. If our own mothering skills are less than perfect the day set aside to honor us, might also dredge up memories we would rather forget. Whenever I see a plague with the words, "God could not be everywhere, that is why he created mothers", I think of Nancy. "At least I did not yell at him today", was all she could say, about the day her son played, Clint Eastwood "make my day" with a friend and wound up dead. I wonder if that is what she thinks about every time the merry month of May rolls around.

May is not a merry time for my friend, Barbara. Having children is her unfulfilled dream. First she had an ovary removed, cutting her chances to conceive in half. She remained positive, consulted with fertility doctors, had tests and finally became pregnant. It was an ectopic pregnancy that required sugery. Still hopeful that she would be in the 70% of women who can conceive again. One Mothers Day she was recovering from a hysterectomy. Depression caused her to become angry when a store clerk smiled, handed her a single rose and said "Happy Mothers Day". She threw the flower at him giving him a good tongue lashing. "Why," she pondered "do people just assume a female has children". The reminder that she could not, fills her with painful memories on Mothers Day.

Though I never said, "Mother, may I", I was sure to pick out a Mothers Day greeting with the word "Mother" on them. I also picked out cards with the word for my mother-in-law. She complained; "he never called me mother. He calls me mom.". It is not easy to pick out a card for a woman that picks on everything you do as she did to me and still does to my children. I dealt with the problem by dwelling on the positive things she did, adding my own effusive thank you to the cards. Her son never gave me a card or gift on Mothers Day saying, "You are not my mother". Being the mother of his 3 children did not seem to count. Of course I have been guilty of creating unpleasant Mothers Day memories myself..

One Mothers Day my daughter, Lori treated me to dinner. I complained about the taste of the food. I complained about the cost. I also complained about the service. Poor Lori! Not one of my most pleasant Mothers Day memories! Perhaps my bad mood was caused by my hunger. The waiter seemed to forget we were there. The restaurant was not crowded and when he finally took our order he must have forgotten to give it to the cook. When the food finally arrived it was cold. I could have made the event merry if I had dwelt on positive aspects of our relationship, rather than dwelling on my need to eat.

The best Mothers Day gift I received was from my daughter Dawn. She thanked me for giving her life. Again, I spoiled the mood by saying, "I wish I could say the same thing to my mother". Ah, Mothers Day memories! Another sad Mothers Day memory is the year my mom spent alone. It seems that each of her 9 children felt she would not miss them and opted to let their own children treat them to a Mothers Day meal at a restaurant or their home. Having 23 grandchildren at the time, it broke her heart to spend the entire day home alone, with the dozens of cards expressing how much she was loved. She shrugged it off and dwelt on the positives. "I love looking all the plants and flowers" delivered from the florist she told me.

My mother loves gardening and flowers. After she retired she took a photography course. I cropped one of the photos she took of flowers growing in the yard and turned it into a postage stamp with the words "Love Anna" on it. She often said, "Can you pick me up some stamps at the Post Office". She would tell me to get her "pretty stamps with flowers on them". I tell her she now has her very own pretty stamp with flowers on them". Unfortunately, Alzheimer's makes it impossible to know if she truly understands that her two hobbies, gardening and photography is what made that possible. Although Mother was unable to get her children to call her mother, or in my case, say "Mother, may I...", we learned a lot from her. She has never spent another Mothers Day alone.