Mothered Children

Mothered chidren

At the end many screamed. Married men looked normal, not old and dark. I never saw them with children, aged or young. Even a suit to dress in comes shockingly for my demise. Building a body is like counting by numbers and resembling youth hood. Fat is a toxicity danger, who goes to a fat person for a first date? Non eager kinds can keep their selves occupied of a city dwelling and no more. I know my spending limits cannot afford a night out, a new skirt, a new manufactured home, a car, and a gym membership. I even bought a used mattress and blanket that appeared to be expensive and new. My own imagination spread wildly active energies around to the two bedroom duplex from dark to dusk.

All of the neighbors for five miles around , the homes closest to the highway, watched the news to learn of the chamber of commerce secretary's death. The older lady across the way told me he shot his self a few weeks afterward. My business plans as a minority owner could be stomped out quickly. But, I knew I was the youngest women in the county with a registered name and location. Although I had a father in business in the same state; it was my idea that sent me to list my home for profit. And it was the closest small operation to the secretary's home. But the club next door brought in thousands of customers over the weekend to drink and dance. I had stayed out of the doors of such places for months after a devastation settled in over a love interaction of me and no one I never knew, a man who owned a restaurant locally.

Loud horns, rap music, night calls, and fights too kept the parking lots more crowded than every home in the project - times a hundred or more. Years later I would sit in a home of another man I had come to know to read words of some language and and in English, too- of the Koran text. No dead were ever spoke of then, how could I have known the power of its poetry. It was the weekend and I would soon leave to go dance at a club nearby. I drove the man's car a night before, but got dropped at the door.

I would not know even, I had been abandoned, a woman with child. I sat up on the stage momentarily in a squat feeling ill. I left with money I did not have when I arrived, after numerous dances and songs played through huge speakers. I would have stayed in a schedule there then and not in a court. Lastly, I knew no ones names, and refused to drink.

Eternity is not for an exotic dancer. Other clubs farther into the city called me away from the man and his home. Music is constantly droned as naked bodies bathe in lights upon the stages. Important notes and the faces onto the bills offer the dancer her return. A life in the smoke egged at me and no more were the sounds becoming for my career.

Noise more commonly is spent by poor people in the streets to speak profanities. The lives of Muslims peoples stayed apart from my thoughts, even as a watched CNN's war coverage from my hotel room. Still wealthy men drive by in luxury cars, where their tinted windows hide their grey hair until its dyed and trimmed. I forgot another could keep me, and love me. My clothes grew old in a few days time and the maternity fashions were an expense I desired. I had no work now. I tried to call his home by phone- I tried to tell him in English- that he spoke a s second language- that I apologized. I feared he was another devastation to my love life. I feared he was an active, sexually involved con-artist that would mingle openly to hide not his age by his actual romance partner. I was bad at guessing out these emotions for the real ones.

At night I would stop and wonder if I again would hear from the Koran. Only by my dreams I see him again. I wrote a letter and held it in my box of pink and black images of a slender woman walking a large poodle. The haunting mentions over a large nation full of problemed women, without their child's fathers beckoned me as I would stare at the dogs on my box. I missed my own dog, that had had once walked down the sidewalks and in the grass fields behind the club next to my old home. If I had luck by now, I would own a home from winning a jackpot at the casinos. Money mattered from the small amounts in the thousands, I earned in a week. In a world of pornography I abstained and mingled only with the crafts of artists that sang after breathing in smoke of a tainted plant. My dreams were tampered with, and I was intoxicated nightly.

The dialogues stayed clear from would have been shared with those ladies dancing at the clubs. Did they know him?, my child's father.... Was there a call on their phone of me being near them? Never did I ask, but months later out of not sleeping I rang to tension of what could have been. Marriage was a tearful subject in mind. Of four children I bared, not one marriage united. Fear and fear alone drove me to religion.

I would return to work, a single mother with a growing belly to sit behind a desk and wear a headset atop of my head. A few nights I went to a shelter to sleep before work, when not even my family could let me stay along side of my toddler son. Dozen of women slept in a large room. The dorm's size, was the size of the office call center, where I worked for the next six months. I would move on to have so many nights alone inside a much smaller space, that I paid for, and locked the door when I left.

A bus took me on a ride for hours to the office. The sounds of authors tones sat into my brain as I read books, so many that I could read a book in a day or two. On weekends, I borrowed DVD movies from any source and watched about 5 a week. Some were foreign, and some foreign films I watched came from Muslim countries. My space was mine and the pictures, mine. Inside of here I bought it all, even my maternity clothes. The music I heard, was played over a radio some man gave me. The music was the only soft and slow rhythm for my baby. On Sundays, I went more hours on a bus to a church; and read the bible and sang hymns of the bible. I was there pleased and settled emotionally, among many people in groups, with things to do each hour of the day.

Still I fear, and prayed them away. Soon I would need things for my baby son. By now, the men driving costly cars were so noticed I applied for a loan through my credit union. So that I too would drive again. I often remembered what a car I had last driven, it was many miles- many thousand miles away from me now. A positive outlook on this new part of my life required honesty. What else could I plan or one plan now- growing old? Well it didn't matter I failed my loan application and owed as a debtor many thousands of dollars.

The seasons changed. The temperature grew colder and I larger and fatter, too. My legal problems and the mess I found away from in the religion I followed argued terribly. My words were seldom and repetitive from the calls I made by the day, at night the apartment was quite and seemed smaller as I grew larger with child.

Less likely to ever read the bible, the words I heard that talked about God brought over the same joy I had known my fears were ending. A city so small compared to the one I left, and so limited to its day contained all these personality types that gathered around us. Less likely to question their separate whereabouts, another fear all on its own arose and labeled itself morality natured.

The outreach of these fellowships stayed with me and some Sundays the tinges of many countries would be spoken. Some nights, I slept, some nights not but for every day in my pregnancy- after six months, I grew plumper and rounder.

I returned months after his birth to the larger city where we were alone among dirty streets; and less of several fellowships. My only child stayed free from the noise and the dollars I owed; he grew as we were inseperatable. Talking among others seemed easier, but has no true pretense. Again many fashions I eagerly looked over. We would eat around a crowd until an assistance granted us funds to buy from a store.

If I had the motion to find that man who I thought I had seen only over a banquet of wealthy persons, we would not have been where we were. The fears returned and met each other, like well to do idles of city entertainment. Cruel words followed along many fellows that refused to admit the peace in their praises. Lightly would tears ever arise in my eyes. But, the odors of so many people in buses, and shelters kept us away when possible. Responsible to stay upright and feed a child, I changed my posture only as life demanded, for the carrying on of the day. A ghetto of laying persons held over every space of the street corner nearest to the dorms for women and men. I noticed what a great change delivered us apart from a home. The land of desert rose high heats that were opposite of those cold temperatures spent at public transportation spots back near the babe's home.

A government braised timidly to scorn those who lacked fellows. A gasp and jolt of emotions tore between the goals I found and the lives I never knew. Each two persons fueled on foods being fat or skinny by the impulse to ingest. Clubs and noise were a seldom spot but less likely to keep the fat ones. Quiet at the doors we walked by a few. Mild temperatures patrons who once swallowed drinks now rode buses or drove cars. Some did both and gave off a great illusion. The type of case those man had concerned my interests of a family kind lastly.

If first things come first, I forgot to make an important notice to my thoughts. Anger kept me quite always, and recycled again at unbelievable fathoms. Wild animals and snakes were scarce around a desert city. On farms homely welcoming accommodate their presence. How else would I have kept in doubt of matter and matters of a failing mind? Knowing to memory largely numbered amounts of peoples were family to me as a child. It was those family persons that first brought me to a desert. It was the same desert, older and renovated everywhere- a renovation filled my mind, by now. New streets, buildings, and attractions too. Starving people wandered every place, near the place a new image gained.

That washed out the horrid things those people were. Now each person had a reason to do horrid acts, a dirty city of fifth. New noise formed as a friend also so quite and rhythmic that I would listen again. New restaurants with unimaginable décor is the most common, a new place. That place was now every place. Places take time, daily work operates heavy machinery to construct such masterpieces sprang out during early falls. This place we could hear go together and hear songs. Formed belief over known despair kept me from love. One day at a crowd going to a bus a man grabbed me as I pushed my son along in a stroller. The first time a man hugged me romantically, and kissed both checks and tried to kiss my lips. He sat close to me; co close our legs were touching. I could smell his breath. It smelled like a dog's breathe, like beer, or maybe some strange breath.

Certainly he was a dark man, he appeared foreign but said he was American. That moment he urged to play at me and said no more before his arm held my side. I rushed off, doubted he took only charted buses. At least, he was a thin man confused a fat women, I thought. We parted as I queered toward where his partner hid near or far. And never more did reality feel apart from the screams I imagined to follow in the fellows I would meet.