Mothering a Daughter with ADHD

No one ever said being a parent was easy. As a mom to four with one more on the way, I know it isn't easy but with every challenge comes a new opportunity for growth and bonding. My oldest daughter and I have had many opportunities for bonding, particularly lately.

She's been "different" since she was a toddler- incredibly bright but stubborn and often difficult to manage. Where her siblings would say ok and complete a task, she had questions and then more questions. She's always been immature for her age- a feature that's frustrating when handling personal responsibilities but refreshing when it comes to boys and makeup.

She has always been an Honor Roll student and she's popular with her peers and heavy into extracurricular activities. She has more trophies than I've ever seen from a girl her age but she never feels like she's "good enough". We knew her self esteem was an issue, even when she was very young.

She always needed extra encouragement and we tried to show her as much love as possible. She needed extra reassurance and she often feared things that no one has any control over, like natural disasters or spontaneous death of a loved one.

As years went on, it became increasingly difficult to handle certain tasks. Getting ready for school in the morning took forever, no matter how much prep she did the night before. She was frequently late to go anywhere, and made the rest of the family late as well. She was disorganized and she loses things easily.

Homework was a battle and although she performed well in school, she was very inconsistent, often getting 100s and 30s in the same subject. She had trouble concentrating and often claimed she did not remember things the teacher had taught her or something she had read just previously in her lessons.

She's strongly opinionated and complains a lot- about everything! It seems no matter what she had, it wasn't enough. Pleasing her was difficult and being pleased with herself was impossible. She reacts strongly to criticism and often overacts to minor and major frustrations. If a friend forgot to call her like she said she would, she would determine "she hates me!"

Telling her to redo a chore that wasn't done correctly might turn into a full blown tantrum. She is passionate and stubborn, always wanting things her way and rarely seeing how that might affect others. She often negotiates her way out of trouble or manipulates people in her life- adults and peers.

At times we are like best friends and at other times, biggest enemies. Since we've learned more about what's causing her problems, we're friends much more often than we are fighting. There are rarely tantrums anymore and she's enjoying a more balanced manner of living life. So what has changed in her, you ask?

Absolutely nothing! While she is stubborn, highly emotional, easily frustrated, forgetful, disorganized and inconsistent she is also sensitive, compassionate, intelligent, determined, and beautiful. She didn't ask to have ADHD and she doesn't need me nagging her about her failures. She needs me to be a patient, loving, accepting and forgiving mother. She just needs me to be there for her.

We've learned together that there are many misconceptions about girls with ADHD. We've also noted that ADHD affects girls differently than boys. My daughter is just as frustrated by some of her behaviors as I am. Forgetting things is not passive-aggressive behavior. Emotional overreactions are not intentional signs of disrespect. Hyperactivity is not always displayed physically and sometimes if she seems she cannot stop talking -- it's because she really cannot stop talking.

ADHD girls are at a higher risk for depression, anxiety disorders and emotional disorders. They are also at a greater risk for addictive behaviors than boys with ADHD. Early parent intervention can reduce these risks.

Loving and effective parenting will build the bond between you and your ADHD daughter. Counseling and therapy can help your daughter learn how to organize, manage her time and compensate for the biological symptoms of ADHD but nothing can replace the love and understanding of her mother.