Mothering the Perfectionism Right Out of Ya!

I recently came across a comic strip that I have since pinned to my cork board. The first scene depicts an exhausted housewife named Wanda, sporting the quintessential robe, slippers and baby tucked under her arm. She is peering out of her mini-blinds with a quote box above her that reads, "There's my stupid, perfect neighbor, Bunny, with her perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect body and perfect clothes! It's almost like she's trying to make me look like a dumpy old housewife or something!"

In the next scene, the frazzled new mom is looking in the mirror, above her are the words, "Ooooh! She's good."

Maybe your one of those moms who sort of forgot to work out after having a baby.You might as well donate your cute wardrobe to Goodwill for some one else to go to the movies in, because your robe and slippers have become your new dress code and should be listed as a requirement somewhere in the training books on motherhood.

And let's face it; the last movie you saw in the theatre was Titanic.

You may, however, be of the other lot: the obsessive, compulsive, anal retentive, hyper personality bunch - a perfectionist. Few would admit it, especially since perfectionism doesn't always look like Bunny's perfect hair or perfect clothes.

Maybe you take over when your husband is making mac and cheese or scrubbing the bathroom sink because, after all, he's just not doing it right. And by right, you mean the way you do it. Perhaps you find that each time you reach reasonable goals of post-baby weight loss, you still aren't satisfied with the results. Perfectionism can even be found in the way you parent, serving as cheerleader and chauffer to an ungodly multitude of extra-curricular involvements or never resting until that shelf of toys are sanitized and labeled -and preferably alphabetized.

The majority of moms probably flow some where in between the Wanda and the Bunny of the comic strip, bouncing back and forth in polar opposite directions every few weeks, or even every few hours. One day you may scrub the gunk off the kitchen sink, jog the block, return your library books on time, and write a thank-you note to your sister-in-law, all by lunchtime. Those mornings you are feeling productive and driven; a bona fide Type A.

Tomorrow, however, you might wake up feeling PMS-y and by noon you can't believe all you managed to do was put a fresh diaper on your kid, throw some cheerios on the table for them, and devour a large bowl of Hagan Dais for breakfast. You can almost hear the pendulum swinging. That's what motherhood will do to you: pry perfectionism and selfishness from your clinging grasp; force you to feel unprepared, embarrassed, or foolish about two thirds of the time. The other third you are getting a couple of hours of sleep. If you are Bunny, you are likely exhausted trying to keep up the façade, and if you are Wanda, you are so bewildered you wouldn't even know where to find the pieces of your coveted "former self", whether you've been a mom for two weeks or ten years!

The struggle is for balance, and maybe more importantly, contentment. Moms are particularly vulnerable to perfectionism because we can falsely believe that are kids are depending on it. The truth is, perfectionism by its very definition is an unattainable aim. It sets you up for failure, never delivering what it promises: perfection. It also exasperates those around you, especially your family, and robs you of the joy of the present. On the other hand, parenting with grace, self-acceptance, and reasonable goals will restore relationships as well as inner peace, and free you up to enjoy the fleeting time you have with your kids.